Happy New Year

Well, it's that time of year, a time to have a glimpse of the past year and pass some much needed 20:20 vision judgement! So what did 2013 hold? A roller coaster of emotions, a lot to toing and froing to London, some happy moments, sad moments and possibly the most scary moment of my life to date. I can honestly say I would rather pull my toenails out with pliers than relive some of 2013.
A year of mixed blessings. I was lucky enough to witness a very good friend (and fellow warrior) finally find some happiness and get married, what a wonderful day that was, and such an emotional day to see her so happy :) I'm lucky to have her in my life and call her friend.

A wonderful holiday in March with my family was great fun, even with the snow and cold!! What a great time we had, a great time also for our bobo to spend quality time with his grandmum. We loved it and can't wait to do it again, and how lucky we are to be able to.........

The most dominating aspect of the year, and certainly the most challenging was the very unwelcome return of my mums breast cancer!! After 10 years it was a bolt out of the blue. My amazing mum fought hard and long, through 2 major operations and the emotional roller coaster and the unbelievable fact that she had to go through it again. What a wonderful woman she is. I think the women in our family have a strong fighting gene. We don't let things stop us or get in the way. We deal with what life throws at us and move on, stronger and wiser.
It was heartbreaking, to sit and watch my mother have to take on all this information, face another mastectomy and all that goes with it, but the one of the very worst moments was sitting in the waiting room after talking to the consultant and watching my mum trying not to cry. Even now it brings tears, my mum, the ever strong, find the humour in life, sitting in a grim waiting room trying not to cry. For the first time in 10 years I wished I wasn't an adult, wished I could be hidden from the horrors of life, shielded by my mum, comforted by her and told everything would be ok. Instead here I was, a grown woman trying to comfort her mother, to tell her everything would be ok, shielding her from my own worries and fears. Oh to be a child again, innocent to all this suffering and drama!!

But we did it, she did it. She fought on and in October she was given the all clear, no more treatment, no more cancer, finally it had come to an end. A huge relief to us all, I have my mum back and she is as funny and loving as ever, and all I hope was that I was a comfort and support to her when she needed it as she has always been to me!!

Through all this drama and stress I was lucky enough to have some of the most wonderful people around.

Firstly my magnificent, hard working, stupidly funny, exceedingly supportive, kind, caring husband. Poor hubby used all his holiday and more to look after our son while I went back and forth with mum, but he did much more than that. He gave me the support and love that I needed and a good kick up the bum when necessary! His words and actions always showing me that I was cared for and supported, showing me that I too am a fighter, that I have inherited that warrior gene (although I sometimes think he wishes I'd either move to the amazon or shut up and sit down lol).
He gave me strength when I thought I had none. This has been a tough year for us, but we are strong and he is my rock. I feel incredibly lucky to have him and my son.

My son has been a source of great humour and love this year, he has made even the most invariable days worth living for, his smile, his misunderstanding of minute (as in small, he says 'Joshie's newt' as he though I said 'my newt' so now 'Joshie's newt' means something very small lol). I live him so much and cannot imagine life without him. I love my cuddles and kisses, our snuggle time, but most of all, I love our family time together :) lucky lucky me!!!!

My friends, my amazing friends!! Well what can I say about them??? You're all crazy lol. What fantastic support and love you have shown me. What fun we have had. Thank you for the smiles, the laughter, the understanding. Thank you for keeping me company while I sat alone in the hospital waiting on news of mum, texting me and helping me through it. Having constant companions was a huge help!! Keeping me entertained with tales of another life, and still loving me despite my love of Elvis ;) you mean a lot to me, always will.

One particular friend I have special thanks for. I am lucky to call her best friend, she is amazing!!!!! I'm not gonna go on as I've already told her how wonderful she is, but without her I'd be lost. She has pulled my out of some messes, picked me up, dusted me off, told me off and put my head back on straight just before kicking my arse and telling me to get a grip. I love you!!!!!!! Thank you.

This year has been crazy. Sometimes we have to live through crazy to appreciate what is truly important in life, and I think I'm getting there. I might not be where I want to be, but I think I'm learning to be happy where I am!! So what for next year? Well, weddings, charity photo shoot, art, photography, parties, family, friends, holidays, adventure, but most of all living my life and learning to be me!!!

I leave you all with a new poem as we leave this old year

2013,
what a year
Of pain and joy
Laughter and fear
The very worst moments
Times that we cheered
Times that we cried
And smiled and feared
Challenges brought
Battles we won
Sitting and playing
Just having fun
Moments of silence
Moments of peace
Moments of chaos
Merriment and feast
2013
You're finished, you're done
I don't look back fondly
On what has gone on
Instead I look forward
Without any fear
And I think to myself
I'll have My New Year
No more excuse
No more what ifs
Instead count my blessings
Cherish my gifts
This next year will see me
Fight a good fight
This next year will see
My Phoenix take flight
A year filled with happiness
Laughter and cheer
So I say to you all
Have A Happy New Year


See you on the other side x x x

Challenging

Ok, so after a successful ocd awareness week challenging others perceptions of ocd, I decided it was time to challenge my perception of my ow ocd! I have 2 choices, I can control the ocd or it can control me, and so far the ocd has been more in control than I have, so it's time for a change, time to put myself first and take charge, and there is no better way to do that than to completely overload yourself with challenges.

I now have 3 challenges set for myself, each of which will challenge me and my ocd to the max. My first challenge is to get fit, lose weight and start running again. I used to love running, it was a chance to clear my head, push my body and improve my state of mind. Before having Bobo (in fact 1 week pregnant), with the help and encouragement of OCDUK I actually ran the British 10k, something I never believed I would do. But since then, motherhood and ocd have gotten in the way, so tonight I go running for the first time in 3 years. The anxiety of it is killing, what if I'm too slow, what if I make a fool of myself, what if I suck and everyone hates me? What if while I'm out doing something for myself, something bad happens to someone I love? It would be my fault for not being there to stop it or make things better! My ocd brain is screaming at me not to go, but I'm determined to do it, to get out there, work hard and start enjoying running again. I know it's going to be hard work physically and mentally, but if I don't do it I will never achieve my goals and it will just be another victory for the ocd, and I'm sick of ocd winning. Surely it's my turn!

The second challenge is to swim a mile in a lake, something I agreed to in a moment of sheer madness I think, but it serves 2 purposes, firstly raising much needed funds for OCDUK and secondly to challenge my ocd again. Swimming in a lake posses many problems for me, mainly being that I'm so unfit I can hardly swim 10 metres let alone a mile! On top of this is the fear of failure, the fear of turning up late, the fear of drowning and (yes, I know this one is stupid) the fear of fish swimming near me, bluugggghhhhhhh. I have no idea why, but being in the water with fish freaks me out, maybe I watched on too many piranha films lol. So for me this challenge is huge, but hopefully I won't be alone and it's all for a good cause.

My 3rd challenge is organising a photo shoot to raise money for OCDUK. In my head I've got it all planned, but I fear my need for perfection and my ocd are starting to unravel the threads! I'm already panicking, what if I make a huge mess of it? What if it's so badly organised that everyone ends up angry and disappointed? What if no one turns out? What if I write some thing wrong in an email or say something wrong ? What if it's not perfect for everyone? What if what if what if................... My ocd is spinning with delight at this, probably because this one is most important to me. This is my baby and I want it to go well so that we all have fun and raise money and make it a great relaxing day!! I know my friends are there to help, I have an amazing photographer who is understanding and patient, and the support of my wonderful husband. But I still fear the worst, I fear my ocd!
But isn't that the point? To feel the fear and do it anyway. I don't want to be a sufferer any more, I want to be a warrior. I want to fight against ocd, not just for myself, but for everyone affected by it. I might not be able to win the war, but I can fight and hopefully conquer some ground.

I suppose it all comes down to how I deal with my ocd and whether or not I survive my first run tonight!  

Home sweet home

Hey folks, are we all sitting comfortably around the campfire? Well, I think it's time for a sing song,

       "Hhhhhoooommmeeeeee,
        home on the .................."

Oh wait, where is home?

       "Home, Noun
        The place or a place
        where one lives.
        A house or dwelling.
        A family or other group
        living in a house or
        other place.
        A persons country, city
       etc esp viewed as a
       birthplace, a residence
       during ones early years,
       or a place dear to one"
                    Collins Dictionary

There are more definitions, but I'm not sure sports analogies are going to be very useful here.

When a person thinks of home, they usually think of the place they live now, the place they have settled, made a nest, called home. Others think of the place they grew up, no matter where they live, when they return to their birthplace they consider it returning home. Some consider it the country they are from. When returning from holiday or working abroad, they are coming home. Whatever the case, home is usually a place of comfort and security. But what if you don't get that sense from the word 'home', what if, like me, you are a nomad?

I call where I live now 'home' as a generic term, mainly as it's shorter to say "I'm off home" then "I'm going back to the place where I live now". But I never get a sense of settling, of putting down roots. In fact, for me, it's the opposite. I'm always waiting to move on, to get going again. It sounds awful, I know. Here I am, married with a family, and I'm saying I don't feel at home! Don't get me wrong, I love what I have here, and it's no reflection on my family, I just don't like to put down roots or 'making myself at home'. I'm not comfortable staying in one place or not being able to move on. I don't like becoming attached to things because no matter what, eventually you become unattached!!!!!!!

I've always been a nomad, maybe because it means you don't have to work do hard to fit in if you are always moving on. To me, that notion is fantastic. I hate the fact that I have always felt like I don't fit, that I have to try harder then everyone else. I become a chameleon, changing to fit in with every occasion, to make everyone happy. Surely it's easier and less exhausting to keep moving, to purposely be the outsider, because it's painful to be the outsider in your own home!

Home for many is a place to run to when things get tough or you need help or comfort. In these times my instinct is to run away from, not to, home. Maybe that makes me a coward or selfish, but for me it's a way to defend myself, to protect myself against harm. Running away gives me a chance to breath, to get my head straight. That way I can bury the pain deep, hide my weakness and come back fighting. Is this not the way everyone reacts? No? Just me then!!!

As an ocd sufferer I am constantly searching for perfection, another cause of anguish when it comes to 'home'. Home, for me, is where everything should be perfect, has to be right, and the problem is that I can never make home perfect because no matter what I do to make home perfect, I will never be perfect and therefore home will never be perfect with me in it! So instead I shy away from home, always itching to move again, to start off again on another adventure!

Is it any wonder I called this blog a campsite and not a home, or office or other permanent structure?? Maybe even my ocd doesn't feel 'at home'!

I'm still hopeful that one day all this running and adventure will bring me back to where I belong, that one day this long trek will bring me back home!

The week that was OCD Awareness Week!

So this is it, the end of OCD Awareness Week. Was it a success? Was it worth it? Well for Ocduk.org, I hope so, as for me, most definitely. I've had conversations with people that have then wanted to learn more, found out that I have inspired and educated, discovered that I have truly amazing friends and family, and found I can be talked into the most stupid ideas (that don't even involve chocolate!!!!).
I'm proud that I am able to make a difference, even a small one, because I hope that the small changes will ripple out to become one huge change in the perception and treatment of OCD and it's sufferers. So much has already changed, but we need to be greedy, we need to be unafraid of asking for more. We deserve more!
With that in mind, we must not forget what is already being done, the changes that are already afoot. This week saw products being rebranded and saw people standing bravely together to make themselves heard. Many of my friends sporting an OCD Awareness Week banner on their Facebook pages, not because the sufferer from it, but because they believe in, a support, me. What a wonderful thing that is, to know so many care and appreciate me, I hope they know how much I appreciate them!!  And while we are on the subject, I want to show my appreciation for a man called Ashley Fulwood and his truly amazing charity www.ocduk.org. He and the charity do some outstanding work, including organising OCD Awareness Week, as well as support sufferers and guide them in the direction of help! This Charity and it's members are life changing, in fact they are life saving! I know this because they saved my life. They are always there when I need them, not to reassure (because we know that's a no no) but to support and help me, to even listen to my awful whinging and moaning!! I only wish there was more I could do to repay them.

You might think that now the week is over you won't have to listen to me bang on and on and on about OCD, but you'd be wrong. What this week has taught me, more then anything, is that it's an ongoing battle, that I must never give up on myself or on changing others perception of this mental illness. Sometimes it's easier to close your eyes to it, to joke about it, but it's time to change, it's time to get the word out,

OCD is a serious mental illness. It can be overcome with the right treatment and the right attitude. People with OCD have enough to deal with without being stigmatised, judged, humiliated or laughed at. Change a perception and we can change the world!

Poem

Today I wrote a poem in the style of a very famous poet, Dr Seuss!

Ocd I am
Ocd I am
But I do not like to wash my hands
I don't flick switches
Touch my nose
Nor line my pencils
Up in rows
I do not turn the handle twice
Nor insist on certain grains of rice
I do not clean
And bleach
And scrub
I do not live inside my tub
There's more to it
You must see
Than having things in groups of 3
Ocd I am
Ocd I am
I wish that you would understand

 I'm but 1 voice amongst millions, 1 star amongst a universe, 1 pebble in an ocean, but I believe the smallest can make the biggest difference!! Let's make that difference, let's help people to understand the seriousness of mental illness. Support OCD Awareness Week and spread the word

Thank you x

The Beautiful Freak

First of all let me just clarify, I do not think people with OCD or any other mental illness are freaks! Good, now we've got that established let me tell you about this 'beautiful freak'.

One of my favourite songs is Eel's 'Beautiful Freak', has been for a long time, but recently the words have taken on new meaning (something I'm sure Eels didn't intend was for this song to be about me or my OCD lol). One of the verses goes:

 

"Some  people think you have a problem,

But that problem lies only with them,

Just 'cause you are not like the others"

 

and that got me to wondering. Is the OCD what makes me a 'Beautiful Freak' and is the problem theirs and not mine?

 

OCD is a serious mental illness, I know this because it almost cost me everything. It's hard to explain to someone without OCD exactly how it feels, especially when their conception is already swayed by the media's blatant misrepresentation. I mean who wants to be labelled OCD, isn't that just jumping on the bandwagon? It's just so fashionable right now to be 'A little bit OCD'. Well what's the next fashion? I'm a little bit armless? I'm a little bit schizophrenic? No, I'm not being flippant. Why is it OK to generalise, marginalise and even homourise one disability or mental illness and not another? Is it fear of the freak, using humour as a defence? Or do people generally think it's humorous to be mentally ill?

 

Misrepresentation of OCD is often born out of misunderstanding, here is an example of a conversation I once had, I'm sure most sufferers will be familiar:

 

me: "I have OCD"

other: "oh, really, well at least your house is nice and tidy"

me: "no my house is a disorganised mess!"

other: "but you've got OCD, I don't understand"

me: "obviously you don't"

other "but surely it means you are obsessed with being neat and tidy?"

me: "no, it means I have obsessive compulsive disorder. It means that my brain is constantly on the go, it means that I am constantly in a state of anxiety about illogical things. My house is in a mess because it's so exhausting making everything perfect I spend most of my time sat in a corner crying that I'll never be good enough and that I can't make everything perfect!!! Plus there's some other stuff too"

other: "oh, I thought it was just washing your hands and stuff"

me: "you probably think I like flicking light switches too?"

other: "oh, don't you do that then?"

me: "aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrr" *head in hands*

 

If no one speaks up and raises awareness, how can we correct the situation?

 

I'm just as guilty, nearly 10 years ago I sat in a doctors office and was diagnosed with OCD, and I'll be honest, my first thought was "I don't repetitively wash my hands". That's all I knew about obsessive compulsive disorder. I went straight home and google google googled myself sick on anything about OCD, which looking back now, was not the brightest idea I'd ever had. But during this search I came across a little but very informative charity called ocduk.org, and what a difference that made. Armed with proper information I was able to get the help I needed. So now it's time to inform the world.

 

To give people a better understanding of OCD is to change their perception of this illness. No more flippant comments or stigma. No more fashion label. Just a full understanding of this debilitating, cruel illness. I was asked about OCD this week and once they heard about my experiences and the charity, they wanted to go and find out about it, to become better informed. I only wish more people were like that. I've had my fair share of rudeness or flippant comments made. I've even lost friends and I've been hurt and upset, trying to figure out what to do, how to make them feel better about it. But then I realised, that's just the OCD talking!

 

All we can do is try to educate people about this illness and be there to support other sufferers when they are ready, to show them there are more of us and that they are not alone. It's time to get the word out, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a serious mental illness. It's not a quirk or a life style choice. We do not choose to act or think the way we do, and no one will ever understand each individuals actions or reasons behind them. So it's time for less judgement and more tolerance. And even if after the world is educated, people still have a problem or choose to ignore the seriousness of it, well, then I just need to remember: I'm not like all of the others, I might be a beautiful freak, but that's their problem, Ive got enough of my own!!





It's Serious

Here is a poem I wrote in support of OCD Awareness Week. It's called "It's Serious". Enjoy

I have obsessive compulsive disorder,
It really is a pain,
To have to change my routines,
I'd rather keep it the same.

It's stressful when it's running
Freely round my mind,
Convincing me that I am wrong,
Or stupid or unkind.

It hurts my very soul
When I feel my fears come true,
Even though I know deep down
That they very rarely do.

It causes so much anguish
To those who care for me,
To see the one they love
Be tortured so easily.

My brain is out to get me,
To ruin and abuse,
But the thing that I find hardest
Is peoples constant misuse.

'A little bit OCD'
Does not even come near
To the horrors of a sufferer,
The thoughts that we all fear.

It's not a fashion label
It's not quirky nor a joke,
It's not a comical retort
To idly be spoke.

It's not to be taken lightly
Or judged or stigmatised,
It's a serious mental illness,
It's about time it's recognised!

OCD Awareness Week

Just imagine being told everyday that you are worthless, stupid, incompetent.

Just imagine being screamed at every day

Just imagine being called ugly and fat.

Just imagine being tortured with images of harm you could do to others

Just imagine being told everyday that those you love are going to leave you

Just imagine being starved

Just imagine being imprisoned in your own house

Can you imagine it?

Now imagine the person doing this to you is you!!!

OCD is not a quirk, it's a serious and sometimes fatal illness. It's time this condition was taken seriously!

Please support #ocdawarenessweek and ocduk.org and help those who suffer or care for a sufferer by raising awareness and understanding. It's hard to live with ocd, it's hard to live with someone with ocd. It's easy to turn a blind eye or make a joke!!

I'm a long time sufferer of OCD. When I was originally diagnosed I didn't have a clue what it meant or where to turn. Then I discovered a little charity www.ocduk.org and they literally changed my life. The support and help I have revived has been amazing. 

I wish there was more I could do to support them, to show my appriciation of all their support, but for now this is my contribution. Trying to raise awareness. Trying to get others to see just how bad this illness can be. To try to get some understanding for those who suffer. 

I'm not out of the woods yet, but with help and support I'm at least on the path. Occasionally I still lose my way, sometimes I stumble far from the path, but on those days I know I'm surrounded by support and guidance, I know deep down I will make it back eventually. 

I wish I didn't feel like this, I wish I could think slowly and logically rather than the million voices spinning around my head, but for now I'll just settle for knowing there is help. But for some, that knowledge isn't there, for some, they are still stubbing aimlessly through the dark woods. And that is why OCD Awareness Week is so important!

Please, if nothing else, share this blog and shine a little ocd knowledge around the world

Thank you x

Starlight, star bright.

I've had a bit of alone time recently, and contrary to popular belief, I've actually quite enjoyed it, but it has given me time to think!!

I've used my time very unwisely, instead of doing the million things I needed to do, I did the one thing that any self respecting girl on her own would do- I curled up on the sofa with a drink, some ice cream and a couple of DVDs, ahhhh heaven. With toddler asleep and husband away, what else is a girl to do? I indulged in an old love, Sex and the City!! It's been a while.
Now you think you know where this is going, and maybe you're all not dirty minded so you might be right. While the film focuses mainly on sex and love, there is always the subtext 'Friendship', and it has got me thinking about my friendships and about what friendship really is.

A while ago I wrote a little bit about how my friends are like stars, my reason to look up when I'm feeling so down, and that hasn't changed. My true friends really are like stars, precious and beautiful and priceless. But like stars, friends come in catagories.

Firstly, there is the Class O star, the rarest and most luminescent of all the stars. The friendship equivalent is a best friend, that 1 in a million person who knows you so well they can read your soul. The person who can tell you the truth even if it hurts, the person who is always there no matter if they think you are wrong or right. This is the person who picks up the pieces when you are broken, carefully puts them back together again with gentleness and kindness and then tells you to get your arse in gear and get over yourself! This is the person who knows all your secrets, but who's lips will forever remain sealed without judgement (well maybe just an incy wincy bit of judgement!!) My best friend really is the brightest star, even when her faith in herself wanes, she still shines bright to guide me. And dare I step out of line, she will go supernova on me!!!! I love her beauty, her intelligence, her humour and her ability to make others feel better. My only wish is that we lived closer, who knew a southerner and a northerner could become such good friends???? Aye aye aye lol

The next class of star is A (I'm not doing this in order of star catagory, rather friend catagory). Class A is 'among the more common naked eye stars' (Wikipedia's words, not mine). Class  A friends are not 'common' in that sense, but they are the easiest to see, my close friends I surround myself with, the ones I can rely on, who I know will be there for me. These friends are special, if the were an M&S (careful to put those to letters the right way round otherwise gives whole different meaning to these friends!!!!) advert, it would say 'these aren't just any friends, these are specially hand picked friends. Vibrant and full of colour'. These are friends who make me laugh, who lend a hand, who tell me stories of their adventures or share their woes. Everyday I am grateful for their existence, as they make everyday that much easier to cope with. Just knowing they are there makes all the difference.

Class B stars are bright but burn quickly. These are friends that are in the past, not forgotten, but who time has separated from us. Friendships that, while great and beneficial at the time, were for some reason unsustainable. Their friendship may have past, but their impact is still visible. For everyone we ever come into contact with leaves a lasting impression, as do we on them!

Then there is the G class, the most famous of these being our sun. The friendship equivalent is that person who thinks the world revolves around them. We all know someone like that, or used to. Maybe they were someone you tolerated, or maybe a 'frenemy'. Sometimes these friends can be useful, you can learn from their mistakes. I often wonder if that friend is me??? I hope not, I hope I'm not that selfish. Yes I can be a bit 'in my own head', but I like to think I'm there for others too! I hope it's just the ocd encouraging those thoughts and not the fact I've turned into a class G pain in the arse!!

And then there are fake stars, you know, shooting stars. Turns out they're not stars after all, just hurtling bits of rock pretending to be stars. Isn't it funny that when we see one we make a wish? 'Oh a shooting star, make a wish', pinning your wish to a fake, to a piece of space debris that is burning up in the atmosphere into nothingness. The fake friend, smiling all the time they are stabbing you in the back. We shall call them Debris friends, because that's what they are, rubbish. It's a shame that we are disillusioned to it, too busy ohhing and ahhing at the prettiness of it till it is too late.

I wonder which star you all think you are?? I know who is who, I know which ones of you shine and bring light into my life. You are my friends, part of my soul, no matter how much influence you think you have on my life, no matter whether you think you're a good friend or not, if I've chosen you to be, and remain, friends, then there must be something rather special about you. Each of you bring something different into my life, each of you are unique. I feel very lucky to have the friends I have. It makes all the difference in the world!!

Even when you can't see them, stars are always there, surrounding us. So twinkle on my beautiful friends.

Are you hearing me correctly?

Well well well, a mid week post. Just shaking it up a little.

Thought I'd take us on a tour of lies and misunderstandings (or misinterpretations), so here we go.........


There are many different types of lie, such as the mean lie: 'I've never like you anyway' or the little white lie 'I didn't eat all the chocolate', or the kind lie 'no, your bum doesn't look big in that' and so on and so on. Everyday we say and hear lies, it's part of human nature. With out lies the world would be a miserable place, I mean imagine if you were told your bum really did look big in that!!! But what if we are not telling the lie, but hearing it instead? What do we really hear? What do we really take from others words? How do we translate the words that tumble from their mouth to our ear?

Some times you hear what you want to because you need to, it makes you feel better, even if logically you know it doesn't make sense.

Some times we let people spin us a line and allow ourselves to believe it because it makes us feel wanted, even special. As if their words can magically make everthing ok, fill that void, the ache, maybe even brighten the darkness!

Some times we read to much in to things, a comment idly made, a song lyric, a touch, a look, a note, a text. Some times it's a positive thing, sometimes you only read negativity. But in either case you can be wrong.

These are the times when you are at a loss, when you feel strangely at sea and you will take what you can get, or beat yourself up for not being good enough. We allow others to influence our lives, change our moods, skew our judgement with the most ambiguous information. turning and twisting it to our own intention. Some times the giver doesn't even realise they've done it, that they have given you this gift/curse, their intentions being quite innocent. Other times they know too well what they have done and watch with eager eyes to see events unfold, for you to react in a bid to make themselves feel better or worse.

Each of us are capable of bringing so much delight or pain into our own lives simply my misinterpreting another, mishearing or just allowing in another's words or thoughts or emotions.

But what happens when someone is honest, when they say/do something that brings such delight as to flip your stomach, or such pain as to have you doubled over? To raise your soul or crush it? What happens when you take that information and accuse them of spinning you a line, of misrepresenting it? When you accuse them of only saying what they think you want to hear? Are we so cynical that we can no longer take anyone at face value?

Some times it's easier to believe its all a lie, to believe they span you line, that you read to much into it, than to admit to the reality of the feelings or emotions it stirred. Easier then having to face up to what you can never have or give.

Some times it's better to pretend that the reality of it all is not real, because, lets face it, everyone lies.......


Don't they?????????????????

The ultimate 'I want' list (revised)

Ok due to a technical hitch, half the blog went hiking off and never came back, so here it is again, this time with the missing bits :)

The ultimate 'I want' list



I want a functioning brain

And a working body

A happy family

And joyful friends

The perfect job 

And the perfect house

Swimming in money

And a holiday or two

I want someone that cleans

And someone that cooks

Someone that drives 

And a fancy car

I want a functioning brain

And a working body

But most importantly 

I WANT IT ALL!



And really, why shouldn't I? Why can't we have our cake and eat it?



I think to a certain point we can have it all, or at least everything we want. It's about finding the perfect balance and knowing what we truly want. What I want is everything, but what I truly want is simple, I want to be happy. And why shouldn't I be? I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful baby, a loving mother and great friends, surely that's enough? But for me it's never enough, as a bond song once said 'The World Is Not Enough', maybe Mr Bond has OCD too!! My problem is that as much as I have the wonderful family, it's not perfect, because I am not perfect. Because I will never be perfect, no matter how hard I try. Because once I reach my target, I'll just move my target 😏 my mum told me the other day that I 'set the bar too high' for myself, but why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I stretch myself to reach that ultimate perfection. You don't tell a pole vaulter that he's set the bar to high, you tell him to jump higher! In fact the Olympic slogan is "Citius, Altius, Fortius" meaning: faster, higher, stronger. And we don't tell athletes they are running to fast or jumping to high, do we? 'Oiiiii Bolt, slow it down, you're pushing yourself to far and to fast' 'Oiiii Wiggins, stop peddling so fast, your setting yourself up to fail'. The only way you can achieve more is to push yourself and challenge yourself. To demand more from yourself, for all intents and purposes, I am an Olympic OCDer! I will set that bar higher, and you never know, one day I might clear it!



So we can have everything that we truly inherently want, but what about the stuff we want, the missed opportunities, the other choices we didn't choose? What do we do with them? 

I hate making a decision because once you choose one thing, you shut the door to the other!!! But what if I want both, both choices at the same time? What would happen if I chose both? Would the world implode? Would the known universe come crashing down around us? In a sense yes. My universe would fracture by the sheer force of choosing and maintaining two things at once. One of your choices will over power the other eventually and leave you in a mess without either of your choices, and that would be sad 😪. Are you following me on this one? Or have you given up hope that I'll ever make sense and made the choice to stop reading?



Ok so here is a simple example: someone offers me either chocolate or vanilla ice cream, but I only have one bowl. Now I can choose the velvety creaminess of the vanilla, or the rich sweetness of the chocolate. But being the fat pig that I am, I order both. To begin with this works fine, a mouthful of yummy vanilla followed by a mouthful of yummy chocolate mmmmm, but as I carry on, the ice creams begin to melt and merge and I can't keep my ice creams in order. All I end up with is a weak  chocolate mess. I no longer have my velvety vanilla as the chocolate has over powered it, but by doing so the richness of the chocolate has been diluted. Now nothing tastes as good!!! 



So I guess the moral is, yes you can have it all, but you'll just end up with a sticky messy milkshake, and no one wants that, do they?

The ultimate 'I want' list

Well my happy campers, after a long summer, the campsite has now reopened and is ready for business 😃 it's been a while, but the tents are pitched, the campfire is roaring and its time to roast some marshmellowy thoughts!!

The ultimate 'I want' list

I want a functioning brain

And a working body

A happy family

And joyful friends

The perfect job 

And the perfect house

Swimming in money

And a holiday or two

I want someone that cleans

And someone that cooks

Someone that drives 

And a fancy car

I want a functioning brain

And a working body

But most importantly 

I WANT IT ALL!

And really, why shouldn't I? Why can't we have our cake and eat it?

So we can have everything that we truly inherently want, but what about the stuff we want, the missed opportunities, the other choices we didn't choose? What do we do with them? 

I hate making a decision because once you choose one thing, you shut the door to the other!!! But what if I want both, both choices at the same time? What would happen if I chose both? Would the world implode? Would the known universe come crashing down around us? In a sense yes. My universe would fracture by the sheer force of choosing and maintaining two things at once. One of your choices will over power the other eventually and leave you in a mess without either of your choices, and that would be sad 😪. Are you following me on this one? Or have you given up hope that I'll ever make sense and made the choice to stop reading?

Ok so here is a simple example: someone offers me either chocolate or vanilla ice cream, but I only have one bowl. Now I can choose the velvety creaminess of the vanilla, or the rich sweetness of the chocolate. But being the fat pig that I am, I order both. To begin with this works fine, a mouthful of yummy vanilla followed by a mouthful of yummy chocolate mmmmm, but as I carry on, the ice creams begin to melt and merge and I can't keep my ice creams in order. All I end up with is a weak  chocolate mess. I no longer have my velvety vanilla as the chocolate has over powered it, but by doing so the richness of the chocolate has been diluted. Now nothing tastes as good!!! 

So I guess the moral is, yes you can have it all, but you'll just end up with a sticky messy milkshake, and no one wants that, do they?

The angry storm

Hey campers, things are about to get mighty stormy, so tether down your tents good and tight and follow me if you dare..........


A majestic arc of power strewn across the darkened sky - this is how I describe lightning

the occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud, accompanied by a bright flash and typically also thunder - this is how the Oxford dictionary describes lightning 

What's my point I hear you cry, well it's this.

Sometimes when you analyse things, take them apart, prod and poke them and see how they work, they lose their magic! The beautiful mystery that surrounds them fades and all you're left with is a bunch of molecules rubbing and causing voltage or some such. 

The same can be said of the past, or of relationships, the more you pick at them, the more mechanical and less beautiful they become, until in the end all you see is the machinery, the ugly mechanics, not the wonderful outcomes or memories that it all holds

But then I question whether I'm too naive? I often wonder do I need to know how it works, or can I just enjoy the beauty of it? Well the lightning is amazing, beautiful, mysterious, awe inspiring, it almost makes you want too stand on a tall hill and try and catch it, try and be part of its power, to join with it, to feels its incredible charge. But knowing exactly how it works tells me that if I did do that I'd be a pile of frazzled ashes, so sometimes knowing the mechanics stops us from doing something incredibly stupid or dangerous, or bad for our health. And yes it might take away some of the mystery, it might not seem as magnificent,  but maybe you can still hold on to some of the beauty while admiring the mechanics? 

What if we ignored the danger, would we definitely becomes crispy bacon? Would you take that chance to experience something amazingly breathtaking? Or would you stay inside, shut yourself away and wait for the storm to pass?

Is it better to ignore it than to watch it from afar, longing to join in and knowing you can't? To pretend it doesn't exist, or to see it just as an 'occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud' and pretend it holds no beauty?

I need my world to hold beauty, to be a world of mystery, to hold such wonders, but reality seems to clash with it somehow. Recent events seem to cloud my view, darken the horizons. Instead of a vista of wonder and light, I feel like I look out on a landscape of overflowing darkness. I want to live in a world where I can sit in harmony like an angel, spreading my wings on a warm morning breeze, yet here I stand like a maleficent creature overlooking all that I have made, the demons that I myself have bore, growing more powerful everyday with thoughts of anger and vengeance. Wanting to rip every star from the sky and darken the universe, to rip galaxies apart to vent my own frustrations and anger. An anger that swells from the very pit of my soul.  

Recent events have put my spirit in to turmoil, from knowing there is still beauty in the world and that we just have to work hard to get through this moment, to wanting to use my powers for evil. I'm so angry at the universe that I physically want to punish it! But I can't, so instead I'll punish myself and those closed to me. If I must feel like I'm in hell, then why not become the devil? At least own it!!!! And maybe it's time that I did. If the universe will cause me so much hurt and anger why not use it to my own advantage? Why not turn this hell into my own playground, with my own rules? Maybe it's time I gave karma a taste of its own medicine. 

Someone told me 'god only gives you as much as he thinks you can handle' well, his plan is about to backfire!!!

I can sit and mope about not being able to play with the lightning or I can be inspired by its magnificent power!!! So I'm making a choice, now it's all about me! 

I thought being this angry at the world would make me weaker, make me small and vulnerable, but it hasn't,  if anything it's done the opposite, it's made me stronger, given me an inner power I never knew existed. It's made me more selfish, but it's what I need. Now it's all about me, what I need to be as a mother, what I need to be as a daughter, but most of all, what I need to be as me. 

I need to be me, and if that means being selfish or detached. Then so be it. I'm putting up my defences, I might not be able to play with the lightning but I'm gonna get damn close to it!!! 

I've always worried what other people think, what they will say. Well no more, now they can worry what I think or say. I'm not going to fight to be in people's lives, if they want to be in mine, let them fight to be, and if they don't then I don't want them in my life!!!!! 

I might no be able to play with lightning but I'm gonna bloody stir up a storm!!!!!!

'When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by

Like New Year's Eve, tonight's underway

But tomorrow you'll wake up afraid of the day

'Cause underneath the scars of your broken dreams

An undone war still wages and stings

You fear the year will blow

Like a breeze through a rainbow

You swear it's there, but you can't grab a hold

So you sit and cry and wonder why, why...

When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by

So many cities and windows and lives

And through each one there's a soul that strives to survive

So pay no mind, my sorrow's fine

The day is a live and that's why I cry

It's a New Year's toast, grab your list to conspire

The last snake hissed as he was thrown in the fire

You've come far, and though you're far from the end

You don't mind where you are, cause you know where you've been' - 

Carbon Leaf 'let your troubles roll by'

Running Scared!

Wow what a couple of weeks it's been and not in a good way, but I've learnt something about myself, so maybe it's not all bad!!

In a fight or flight situation my instinct is to run!! You're never going to catch me ghost hunting or searching for serial killers, I have enough trouble in my life without seeking it out. But what if you run straight in to trouble???? 

Well that's what friends are for!! Some are there to distract you, some are there to comfort you and some are there to keep you on the straight and narrow and kick your arse when necessary.

I feel sorry for my friends. The ones who try and distract me inevitably end up hurt or in trouble or both! The ones who try to comfort me often end up feeling rejected by my coldness or at a loss of how to console someone who seems emotionally void. Then there are those who keep me in check, I feel sorry for them coz it's a bloody hard job when my flight instinct kicks in.

I wish I could find betters ways of dealing with things other than the choices I have given myself, but that's how I am. I believe I have 3 choices; firstly shut down and be practical. In this instant, no matter the pain, you are not allowed to cry or show weakness. You must get on and do what needs doing. Any show of weakness will get you killed or worse, hurt!!! Don't get hurt, that's the main objective to my life now, and weakness leads to hurt!!!!

In fact hurt first, inflict the first damage, put the walls up and push everyone out. Be nasty, be vicious, make others feel bad so that they hate you and leave. That way it's your choice and you can't get hurt. Attack those who you feel the most about first! Hit first and hit hard and what ever you do, DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS 

Second choice: run away. Run and keep running, run for your life. Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man. Only problem with this is I can never outrun myself. I could run forever but I'll always catch up!! I can never out run the pain and hurt, so maybe that's not a great option. Plus I'm a parent now. How can I run, how can I teach Bobo that this is a healthy reaction to life??? 

And anyway where would I run?? Probably straight into option 3....

Option 3: Hit the red button, a world of self destruct and self harm!!! Keep everything held in and then release it in bursts of self annihilation!!! Unfortunately it sometimes involves taking others with me :(  

Self harm is something I've struggled with for years, fortunately I've been able to manage it for the last couple of years although the urge is always there. What people don't realise or understand is that self harm comes in many forms, it's not just about cutting, it's anything that causes harm to the self, like risky behaviour or drinking etc. there are so many ways to self harm of destruct they can quite simply creep up on you and convince you to join in.

This is what I do, this is how I cope when I'm stressed, this is what I put everyone through!!!

So yes, my family and friends have a lot to put up with when I'm stressed, and I can see why I end up labeled 'cold' or 'bitch'. But everyone has coping mechanisms and these are mine.

I'm lucky to have such strong friends, and if I hurt you or call you names, or make you feel like you've done something wrong, trust me, it's not you, it's me. The more I hurt you the more I'm hurting. The more I'm shutting down, the more I'm holding in. The more I'm trying to push you away, the closer I need you.

One day I'll learn a healthy way to cope with life, until then, I'm running scared!

Friend's don't let you Fail.

Hello campers, how are we all? Well what do you know, 2 blogs in 2 days!!!!

Yesterday was a bad day, everything found a way to irritate me, including myself. I have so much going on at the moment, a very active toddler, a house to look after, a new card making business (check it out, go to bobo cards page on Facebook and hit like, I know shameless plug!!) and mental health issues, it's a wonder the OCD hasn't kicked in sooner or harder!

So what have I learnt? absolutely nothing.

Well that's not strictly true, I've learnt that I hate my computer and that I don't have the patients for it to be that slow. I've learnt that my son is as stubborn as I am, if not a bit more so and I've learnt I'm rubbish at being a domestic goddess! (today I also learnt a song about shaking peanuts to get elephants out of trees, thanks Disney channel). But most of all I have learnt that I have incredible friends (although to be honest I already knew that). I have great friends who will put their faith in my business and trust me to make cards for them, even in other languages (turns out I remember nothing from the French classes I did turn up for). I have friends who are there to listen to me whinge and moan about my nice life, and most of all I have friends who tell me to buck up, or in the words of my toddler, 'Man Up'. And for them, I am very very grateful.

Stephen Fry said "1in4 people, like me, have a mental health problem. Many more people have a problem with that." and it's true. I have lost friends (although I wonder if 'friend' is the right term for them considering?), I've had friends distance themselves from me since finding out, still hear from them, like the odd like on Facebook and a merry Christmas once a year (although how many times do you get merry Christmas in one year? but you know what I mean). So now I'm much more wary about who I make friends with in a way to defend myself, because I don't need the extra pressure of false friends. The friends I do have are very understanding and extremely tolerant, which just goes to strengthen my belief in them, because if I was them, I'm not sure I'd be friends with me!!!!!

But why do people have such a problem with mental health issues? I mean, I'm still me, I still act the same as I always have, just now I have a reason for my behaviour (I'd say excuse, but sometimes there is not excuse for my behaviour, only an explanation). I didn't suddenly grow to heads, or start eating small children. And I didn't wake up one morning and think "I know, I think I'll have OCD now as my life is way to boring". So what makes it so different when you learn someone has something wrong with them. Would they behave the same if I turned up with an arm or leg missing? Maybe. Is it embarrassment, not knowing what to say? Is it Shame? Not wanting to be associated with a crazy person? What?

I think it's very sad that people can't look beyond a label, and what makes it sadder is that some people don't even try to understand, or become more informed about it. Why? Rash judgement and fear just grow the stigma about mental health issues, creates a self fulfilling prophecy, the more people stigmatise it, the more others will judge it. Yes I have OCD, Yes, I suffer from a mental illness, but that's not who I am (and I'm aware how hard that is to accept, some days I have trouble seeing the difference too). I have a mental illness, but who I am is quite different. I'm a mother, a wife, a daughter, and sister, a friend. Yes, sometimes I need a little more help the others, sometimes I struggle to leave my house, sometimes I wish the world would slow down so my head could catch up, but that doesn't make me any less then everyone else. We all need help at some point in our lives, some more than others. Does it matter that I spent 3 weeks on a ward for the mental ill? Not to those who matter, and if it matters to you, then I'm afraid I can't let you matter to me.

Should you have children when you have a mental illness? That is actually a question someone asked me before I had my beautiful son. Really?????? Should you have a child if your disabled? Missing limbs? Blind? Deaf? Of course you should, if that's what you want to do.
I struggled when I was pregnant, worrying about how my OCD would affect my baby, about how I could protect him from it, but after he was born I realised something very important. Firstly, I didn't need to protect him from my OCD, I needed to protect him against those who judge it! And secondly, after worrying about how he would be affected, I didn't take in to account how he would affect me OCD! Suddenly I was able to see it (doesn't mean I can always control it, it's a tricky little creature, this OCD) and some days, when the dark clouds are storming in my brain, and all I see is bleakness, I look up to see this beautiful 2 year old smiling at me or pulling faces, making mummy laugh, and suddenly those dark clouds, although still there, don't seem so daunting. Even this morning, after such a trying day yesterday, where I was ready to give up, I'd been in a manic mood all day and then the depression hit at the same time the terrible 2's hit my son, after all that, he still made me smile. He made me stand in the middle of the lounge and 'shake my peanuts!!' and you know what? As well as getting the elephant out of the tree (you had to be there I think), it got me out of my dark mood. Now there is a slightly happier mummy, and a happy bobo (because mummy is happier).
As he grows up, I hope he learns to accept people for who they are, not what they suffer from. I know he's going to have a lot to deal with growing up with a mentally unstable mother, but I also know (from experience) that it doesn't mean his life has to be any different from anyone else, that he has to miss out, because I know I will do everything in my power to make sure of it. And yes there will be bad days, and days where he resents me because of my illness, and I have to accept that. But I also accept that he will love me in the same way I love him, and that my beautiful boy will grow up in a loving home where he is cared for and taught the values of respect and tolerance. And yes some day's I feel like I'm failing as a mother (and the OCD just loves it), but then I'm assured by my 'not so mentally challenged' mummy friends that they feel that way too, Phew what a relief, if we are failing then we are all doing it together!

So yes, I have a mental illness, and yes sometimes I will write a blog that is all doom and gloom and end of world, but other days I will write a blog like this, that I hope informs and enlightens. And sometimes I will write a blog that is just plain nonsense, because I have nothing else to say, but hey, that's just me, and that's all I can be. If you don't like me because I have a mental illness, that's your problem and you can keep it because I have enough of my own. For those who love me for being me, I appreciate and love you all more then you could possibly know, and you will never fully comprehend how much it means to me that you care.

Happy camping my little OCD followers :)

Failure

I don't need others to point out my failings, I'm quite capable of pointing them out myself!! 

How many ways can I fail? More to the point, how many ways can I perceive I'm failing? As a mother? Quite a bit, today was a true example. 2 hour tantrum and I lost it and so I lost control of the situation and it spiralled out of control. And who lost out? I did, I ended up not having dinner and feeling more guilt than ever before. It's ridiculous, why am I not able to cope? I hate myself right now, it's been such a long day and at the end of it I feel defeated. The baby defeated me, the computer defeated me, the cooking even defeated me, how pathetic! And then I add to my own guilt, my own suffering, because after days like this I question having another child (don't worry, it's a long way off anyway). I'd love for Bobo to have a sibling but I just don't think I would cope! I really am pathetically weak.

And on top of it all I let myself down all the time, I can't stick to a diet, I can't find my motivation to exercise, I don't get on with the work I should be doing, I don't keep the house orderly. In fact I can sum it up a lot quicker if I said I'm failing as a mother, I'm failing as a wife, I'm failing as a woman and I'm failing as a human being!!

And yes some of this probably is my ocd getting the better of me, so that means its just another area of failure!!. 

I tell myself that tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I will get back on track, but first I have to get through the night!

I'm sorry, this is such s miserable blog, but to be honest, I don't care, I've had a miserable day.

The world today

Oh dear campers, I think I might make you all feel very down today. I've been thinking about the state of the world and recent events have put my mind into overdrive, so here it is:

I can't fathom the world today, is that just me? It's causing my ocd to bounce off the walls and lead me to believe that having a baby was the most selfish thing I've ever done, and maybe it was. Maybe it's what every parent thinks, but I'm starting to have panic attacks when I think about the world my child will grow into. It seems to be a very depressing future, a world where fighting and greed and selfishness win out over goodness, honesty and kindness. Where outer beauty and thinness is valued over inner beauty and intelligence. Where objects are valued over humans, where antisocial ways of life are the norm. You no longer need to leave your house for anything. I worry that my child will never know the pleasure of playing out with friends, will never understand the value of respect, will never be able to experience life to its fullest, and that's only if you think positively that the planet will last that long! We are slowly killing the planet with deforestation and landfill, with hatred and war, with greed for oil, gold, land, power. We are happy to sacrifice other human brings for the greater cause of wealth and power. Nuclear war is imminent, global warming and flooding are imminent, the end of the world is nigh!!!!! My goodness you could really get depressed thinking about this stuff!!!!

But what if instead my child is one of many who will change the world, to make it a better place, a nicer place. A place where they value human life over wealth or power. A place where people work together for the greater good. That could happen, so maybe  I have nothing to worry about. 

I can't accept that the world is that bad, but I can't help the thoughts flying around in my head, telling me what an awful future my poor baby has, and I fret that there is nothing I can do. It makes me so angry that the world can be so hateful and dangerous when we are all the same species, we are all human. why can't we all get along? 

Eventually something has to give, I just hope and pray that it all works out for the best and we don't end up destroying ourselves over religion or power or wealth.

Maybe everyone needs to take a step back, yes you can have your own beliefs, but how about believing in humanity? 

There is so much more I could say about this, so many more worries, but instead I'll just leave you with a poem,

I don't agree

I don't agree with fighting

When we're capable of talking,

I don't agree with hating

When we're capable of loving.

I don't agree with hunger

When we're capable of feeding

I don't agree with greed

When we're capable of sharing

I don't agree with war

When we're capable of peace

I don't agree with misery

When we're capable of happiness

I don't agree with lies

When we're capable of honesty

I don't agree with nastiness

When we're capable of nicety

I don't agree with pain

When we're capable of healing

I don't agree with hostility

When we're capable of hospitality

I don't agree with selfishness

When we're capable of selflessness

I don't agree with enemy

When we're capable of friendship.

Anyway, cheer up, there's alway tomorrow (I hope)

Happy camping x

The girl in the room

Tonight is story time around the campfire, so get yourself comfy.

Once upon a time, a young woman found herself in the depths of despair, surrounded by strangers, locked on a ward without hope or deliverance. It was the darkest time of her life. Everyday she would wonder the hall, the garden and the kitchen aimlessly searching for peace, for solitude, everyday she found none. Everyday was the same, wake in despair, drown it out with meds, eat what little she could to spare disapproving looks, and sleep only to wake back to despair. Everyday seeing the same walls, the same people, the same darkness. Until one day, whilst wondering, pondering how to get through another day, she heard a small sob from behind a closed door, gentle she knocked and opened the door. There, sitting on the bed, was a wane blonde beautiful young woman, her head buried deep with in her hands, her slender body heaving with every sob, her skin so pale she seemed almost a ghost. "Are you ok?" she asked the girl in the room, she waited but there came no answer. Quietly she closed the door and walked away, back to her own dark thoughts. The next morning she passed the door, again she heard the sobbing, again she knocked and asked "are you ok?", again there came no answer. Later on that day, the young woman saw the girl in the room, sitting quietly by herself in the garden, her ghostlike presents hardly noted by anyone. After a few minutes she disappeared, unnoticed to all except the young woman. The next morning there was no sobbing, this time she knocked and looked in, there she sat, the girl in the room. "come out and sit in the garden" the young woman requested, she held out her hand and was surprised when the ghostlike figure stood and followed her out, her head bowed down. Together they sat in the garden barely saying a word, but both knowing they were no longer alone in the darkness. After that the two women spent everyday chatting, or just sitting together in the garden drawing or watching the world go by, both knowing that even in the darkness they had each other to guide the way.

One day the young woman, feeling her soul would burst, that the darkness would never pass, began to cry. She cried and cried, now that she had started she couldn't stop. Sat alone on a bench, struggling to catch a breath between every heart wrenching cry, face drowned in tears, the darkness overwhelming. Suddenly a hand touched hers, she looked up to see the girl in the room sitting beside her on the bench and she realised in that moment, that she truely wasn't alone, that somebody cared. In that moment the girl in the room saved her.

5 years later the young woman stood with tears in her eyes, clapping and smiling, feeling honoured to be amongst the wedding guests of the girl in the room. No longer ghostlike, there she stood, proud and smiling on the happiest of days. Seeing her smile, seeing her happy, seeing her surrounded by love and people who cared reminded the young woman of the love and care she had found in their friendship. Finally they were both happy, both knew hope, and although they knew their journeys through the darkness still had someway to go, it was easier now that they had their friendship to hold on to, to guide them through, no matter distance or time. And most of all, they both believed in the future.

To the girl in the room, thank you for saving my life. I wish you all the happiness and joy in the world x x x

Fact or Fiction?

Good afternoon campers, the fire is lit, the marshmallows are toasting, it's time to begin.....

Do you remember when.........? Of course you do, the question should be 'do you remember correctly?'. Do you remember it how I do? Do you remember it positively or negatively? Do you remember it vaguely or in all it's glorious detail? Do you remember it how you wanted it to be?

Memory is a very tricky thing, it can bring joy or pain, it can drive you nuts, it can be 'it's just on on the tip of my tongue' frustratingly annoying. It can be missing. Sometimes I wish mine was missing! Other times I feel that's an awful thing to wish.

Part of my condition is being able to recall almost all conversations I've ever had, it's a blessing and a curse. Comes in handy when you need to remember something important, not so handy when your ocd uses it to replay negative things or unkind words I've spoken, or to recall conversations from the past that cause you to pick fights with people in the present!!! I replay these things again and again in my head, buzzing quietly in the back of my mind like constant background noise. Not every conversation, just a select few at a time. They buzz and buzz and buzz, whirring round and round slowly getting louder and louder and louder until finally there they are, front and centre. This might take minutes, hours, days, even months, but eventually I'll crack and BOOM, there they are. Some times I can tuck them safely away in my brains basement, still aware they are there, but not having to deal with them. Sometimes I sit and worry about it, allow it to make me frown for a while and then finally shake it off. Other times I let it get the better of me, let it make the decisions, rake over old ground. I allow it to guide me into trouble and chaos, allow it to pick fights with people (who have no idea why!) try to get answers about past conversations that others can't even remember. Allows me to torture myself, to inflict pain deep within my soul, to suffocate my sanity. But are my memories right? Did I even have these conversations? Or is it all a figment of my sick and twisted ocd mind?

What if I ask someone why they said/did something and they deny it? Is it my memory at fault or theirs? Are they protecting themselves, have they genuinely forgotten, are they denying it to be mean or is my brain playing a deranged game with me? 

What if I imagined it all? Am I now so crazy I'm making up the past???

So I try and say nothing, let it whirl around till I can bury it back deep inside, lurking, waiting, ready for its next great escape. And the times it does escape, well I add those conversations to the basement too, I just hope this basement is big enough!

It's not just conversations though, my brain finds new ways to play with my sanity. 

My mum asked me the other day if I remembered an event in my past involving my dad, and I thought about it and no, I honestly couldn't remember, so then she asked what I do remember about him, and I have to confess not a lot, I seem to have wiped him from the memory banks! My brain did such a good job that it even convinced me that he wasn't there on trips we took as a family, that my mother assures me he was on!! Ok I don't get on with the man (I find it odd calling him dad in fact) but I was 16 when he left, surely he left some kind of impression in that time? If it wasn't for the fact the rest of my family had seen him, I'd go as far to say he doesn't even exist!! Maybe he doesn't and my family are having one of those mass hallucinations!!! But then that doesn't explain the man in the photos! Hmm maybe he does exist after all. The real question is, is my brain just being perverse or is it protecting me? If its protecting me, what from?

Considering my  superpower of conversation recall, I can only recollect one conversation I had with my father and that's the last one we ever had, it didn't end well!!!  But in 16 years we must have spoken? Must have had one moment where one of us made the other laugh or even smile?

That gets me thinking, how many other people have I wiped from my memory??? Why do some stay and others not make the cut? I'd like to say it depends on how they've treated me but then I think a lot more would be missing!! Maybe it has to do with how I treated them, or maybe my brain is trying to protect me after all. It's not doing a great job!!!!

So I guess I'll never know what's fact and what's fiction, whether it's protection or torture. So what to do? Maybe I keep burying it, hoping I'll keep it all contained and that will be good enough, but then I have to accept that occasionally there will be a breakout and I'll have to deal with the consequences as they occur.

 It might be all in my head, but sometimes my head leaks!

So on that note, I'm off to don my rose tinted glasses and bathe in the warmth of a slightly oblique past.

Happy camping x x x

Say it how it is!

Well, hello campers, thought that today I would take you on a little ponder about honesty and the ultimate question. So join me, and if you can, answer truthfully :)

Wouldn't it be better if everyone was honest about how they felt? I don't mean openly wondering around making random statements "oh I love that colour flower" "yuk I hate that car" etc, I mean if someone asked you a direct question, like 'how are you' or 'how do you feel about...?' that you gave them an honest answer.

Don't get me wrong, I'm as bad as the next person. 'How am I feeling' "erm fine", is that true? If I was find would my soul be screaming out in pain?would my brain be hurtling around quicker then the earth spins around the sun,? would I be writing this blog? But it's etiquette, we are conditioned to be polite and not burden each other with the mundane, with our own perceived problems, and maybe that's a good thing. Sometimes we ask the question out of politeness, to make small talk, and therefore it's only right to give the formal quick response 'I'm fine thank you, and you?'. Sometimes we ask out of reassurance 'are you ok' I make sure everything is ok, again to get a quick fix answer 'yes I'm fine thanks'.

 But what if you want a real response, what if you desperately seek an answer, the truth? What if your question 'how are you?' is a genuine question? Maybe the question isn't honest, maybe we use 'how are you' to convey other messages, private, secret messages that you hope the other person will translate. 'how are you' can become genuine concern or 'I miss you' or 'why?' or 'talk to me' or any other message you dare not ask. But herein lays the problem. You might be sending secret messages and the person receiving it doesn't know, to them 'how are you' is simply that, and you will receive a simple answer 'fine thanks, you?' or worse still what if the question really is 'how are you' and it gets mistranslated and opens a whole can of worms?

Language is a tricky thing, it leads us into many difficult situations, trying to untangle hidden meaning when there isn't any, missing hidden meaning when it's there. The wrong people misinterpreting the wrong hidden message, the right people missing the message all together. So surely it's better to be truthful, when someone asks 'how are you?' and your not 'fine' then tell them, if they don't want to hear it then they shouldn't have asked, they should have just said 'hi' and left it at that.
Why should we hide what we feel? I'm not saying put it all out there, you can be selective, not telling everyone everything, but why shouldn't we be honest to the people that we desperately want to be honest to? Why shouldn't we be able to ask questions that leave awkward silences, hurtful replies, happy smiles? We have become so conditioned to protect ourselves from pain, that maybe linguistically we are becoming numb. No longer able to ask the questions that we want, no longer able to hear the answers we need. But you know what they say, no pain no gain. If no one ever hurts your feelings how can you expect anyone to make you feel anything? (does that make sense?) if we never ask for an honest answer and never ask an honest question then we can never be surprised by the outcome, but also if we never answer a question honestly then we can never surprise anyone either, it works both ways. If we deny the truth or use humour as a defence then aren't we robbing each other of something, of part of an honest relationship. No matter whether you're friends, acquaintances or lovers, each relationship should demand an aspect of honesty and respect (linguistically speaking). It might be that the person you're asking is on the defencive or feels they don't want to face the truth or hurt you with the truth, but does that mean they shouldn't answer truthfully? . Some times honesty is the best policy, but use your judgement, and remember sometimes the answer to 'how are you?' really is 'fine thanks'

The real problem is, none of us are mind readers, we will never know what goes on in someone else's brain or heart unless they say it out loud in a clear, simple, no hidden context, way or write it in a blog!

So, how are you?