I was hoping to start this new years blog on a positive note, but it seems the ocd, and life itself has other ideas.
My hopes and dreams that I spoke about are slowly being killed off one by one, and all I can do is stand by as each one is marched out into the courtyard, tied to a post, blindfolded and then mercilessly gunned down before my very eyes. I fear that every last dream and hope will eventually suffer this cruel fate, and there is very little I can do. Some of it is my own doing, I might as well have shot them myself, others are the unfortunate victims of circumstance and the rest are casualties of many different battles. All in all, it's not going well :(
I wish that I could say I have hope, but a tiny piece of me knows that hope has probably already been tried and convicted of crimes against ocd, and is awaiting execution. This is becoming a civil war, one that is taking to much and causing me to think of surrender. There are outside influences as well, which all seem to be against me, or is that just my paranoia? Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you!!
There were certain points of this year that I had been looking forward to, that have now had to be cancelled due to circumstances beyond my control, but that doesn't make me any less hurt or disappointed!!!! I get the impression that I'm expected to just accept the situation and get on with it, not show any disappointment. Well tough!!!!!!!!!! I am disappointed, I keep being disappointed, and to be honest, I'm sick of being disappointed. I'm sick of this situation, I've had enough. The problem is, I don't see a way out! Well I do but I see too many ways out and my brain hurts from trying to consider them all. I can't live my life in this vortex of confusion and anxiety, it's making me sick. I don't know what to do, I don't know how I should feel. I don't know anything anymore.
I hate the fact I have started this year on such a melodramatically lost note, so to end I have written a poem, it has no title as I don't believe if deserves I one! Happy camping x x x
I mustn't feel tired, or disappointed, or sad.
Instead I must be happy and cheerful and glad.
I mustn't wallow or scream or cry.
Instead I must smile and wipe my eyes dry.
I mustn't show rage or anger or dread.
Instead I must keep it all in my head.
I mustn't let others see my despair.
Instead I must show kindness and care.
I mustn't show hurt or pain or fear.
Instead I must pretend I'm not here.
