Ok, so after a successful ocd awareness week challenging others perceptions of ocd, I decided it was time to challenge my perception of my ow ocd! I have 2 choices, I can control the ocd or it can control me, and so far the ocd has been more in control than I have, so it's time for a change, time to put myself first and take charge, and there is no better way to do that than to completely overload yourself with challenges.
I now have 3 challenges set for myself, each of which will challenge me and my ocd to the max. My first challenge is to get fit, lose weight and start running again. I used to love running, it was a chance to clear my head, push my body and improve my state of mind. Before having Bobo (in fact 1 week pregnant), with the help and encouragement of OCDUK I actually ran the British 10k, something I never believed I would do. But since then, motherhood and ocd have gotten in the way, so tonight I go running for the first time in 3 years. The anxiety of it is killing, what if I'm too slow, what if I make a fool of myself, what if I suck and everyone hates me? What if while I'm out doing something for myself, something bad happens to someone I love? It would be my fault for not being there to stop it or make things better! My ocd brain is screaming at me not to go, but I'm determined to do it, to get out there, work hard and start enjoying running again. I know it's going to be hard work physically and mentally, but if I don't do it I will never achieve my goals and it will just be another victory for the ocd, and I'm sick of ocd winning. Surely it's my turn!
The second challenge is to swim a mile in a lake, something I agreed to in a moment of sheer madness I think, but it serves 2 purposes, firstly raising much needed funds for OCDUK and secondly to challenge my ocd again. Swimming in a lake posses many problems for me, mainly being that I'm so unfit I can hardly swim 10 metres let alone a mile! On top of this is the fear of failure, the fear of turning up late, the fear of drowning and (yes, I know this one is stupid) the fear of fish swimming near me, bluugggghhhhhhh. I have no idea why, but being in the water with fish freaks me out, maybe I watched on too many piranha films lol. So for me this challenge is huge, but hopefully I won't be alone and it's all for a good cause.
My 3rd challenge is organising a photo shoot to raise money for OCDUK. In my head I've got it all planned, but I fear my need for perfection and my ocd are starting to unravel the threads! I'm already panicking, what if I make a huge mess of it? What if it's so badly organised that everyone ends up angry and disappointed? What if no one turns out? What if I write some thing wrong in an email or say something wrong ? What if it's not perfect for everyone? What if what if what if................... My ocd is spinning with delight at this, probably because this one is most important to me. This is my baby and I want it to go well so that we all have fun and raise money and make it a great relaxing day!! I know my friends are there to help, I have an amazing photographer who is understanding and patient, and the support of my wonderful husband. But I still fear the worst, I fear my ocd!
But isn't that the point? To feel the fear and do it anyway. I don't want to be a sufferer any more, I want to be a warrior. I want to fight against ocd, not just for myself, but for everyone affected by it. I might not be able to win the war, but I can fight and hopefully conquer some ground.
I suppose it all comes down to how I deal with my ocd and whether or not I survive my first run tonight!
If one more person tells me I'm brave I swear I'll head-butt them! I'm NOT brave!!! I never asked or volunteered for what has happened to me I only get on with living around it. However, Harriet, you have taken this challenge upon yourself and have already proved that you are winning this battle of yours. You are indeed a hero! Don't be afraid of succeeding either - living without having to combat ocd is also a scary thought but one hopefully in the future you will be able to tackle. Go my girl and enjoy your life. You deserve it, you have earned it. All 3 of you have your own demons to conquer and some may be harder than others to overcome but the fact that you are all fighters just goes to prove that maybe I did something right for you all whilst you were in my care! Remember to bend a little too. Blowing in the wind is not too difficult and sometimes to step back and empathies is instructional as well as welcoming. And try not to confront upset and hurt with aggression. Although you may need to protect yourself, pushing people away isn't really what you want. " I don't want a cuddle!!" Ring a bell?? The people that love you want to cuddle you and kiss it better. Sometimes it helps just to let them do it and sink into the security and warmth of their love and protection. Always remember, my baby, you are not alone in this world and never will be. Carry on fighting and taking on challenges. This helps you grow and empower yourself but also remember you will always be a hero to me and those who love you! X
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