How many ways can I fail? More to the point, how many ways can I perceive I'm failing? As a mother? Quite a bit, today was a true example. 2 hour tantrum and I lost it and so I lost control of the situation and it spiralled out of control. And who lost out? I did, I ended up not having dinner and feeling more guilt than ever before. It's ridiculous, why am I not able to cope? I hate myself right now, it's been such a long day and at the end of it I feel defeated. The baby defeated me, the computer defeated me, the cooking even defeated me, how pathetic! And then I add to my own guilt, my own suffering, because after days like this I question having another child (don't worry, it's a long way off anyway). I'd love for Bobo to have a sibling but I just don't think I would cope! I really am pathetically weak.
And on top of it all I let myself down all the time, I can't stick to a diet, I can't find my motivation to exercise, I don't get on with the work I should be doing, I don't keep the house orderly. In fact I can sum it up a lot quicker if I said I'm failing as a mother, I'm failing as a wife, I'm failing as a woman and I'm failing as a human being!!
And yes some of this probably is my ocd getting the better of me, so that means its just another area of failure!!.
I tell myself that tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I will get back on track, but first I have to get through the night!
I'm sorry, this is such s miserable blog, but to be honest, I don't care, I've had a miserable day.
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