Friend's don't let you Fail.

Hello campers, how are we all? Well what do you know, 2 blogs in 2 days!!!!

Yesterday was a bad day, everything found a way to irritate me, including myself. I have so much going on at the moment, a very active toddler, a house to look after, a new card making business (check it out, go to bobo cards page on Facebook and hit like, I know shameless plug!!) and mental health issues, it's a wonder the OCD hasn't kicked in sooner or harder!

So what have I learnt? absolutely nothing.

Well that's not strictly true, I've learnt that I hate my computer and that I don't have the patients for it to be that slow. I've learnt that my son is as stubborn as I am, if not a bit more so and I've learnt I'm rubbish at being a domestic goddess! (today I also learnt a song about shaking peanuts to get elephants out of trees, thanks Disney channel). But most of all I have learnt that I have incredible friends (although to be honest I already knew that). I have great friends who will put their faith in my business and trust me to make cards for them, even in other languages (turns out I remember nothing from the French classes I did turn up for). I have friends who are there to listen to me whinge and moan about my nice life, and most of all I have friends who tell me to buck up, or in the words of my toddler, 'Man Up'. And for them, I am very very grateful.

Stephen Fry said "1in4 people, like me, have a mental health problem. Many more people have a problem with that." and it's true. I have lost friends (although I wonder if 'friend' is the right term for them considering?), I've had friends distance themselves from me since finding out, still hear from them, like the odd like on Facebook and a merry Christmas once a year (although how many times do you get merry Christmas in one year? but you know what I mean). So now I'm much more wary about who I make friends with in a way to defend myself, because I don't need the extra pressure of false friends. The friends I do have are very understanding and extremely tolerant, which just goes to strengthen my belief in them, because if I was them, I'm not sure I'd be friends with me!!!!!

But why do people have such a problem with mental health issues? I mean, I'm still me, I still act the same as I always have, just now I have a reason for my behaviour (I'd say excuse, but sometimes there is not excuse for my behaviour, only an explanation). I didn't suddenly grow to heads, or start eating small children. And I didn't wake up one morning and think "I know, I think I'll have OCD now as my life is way to boring". So what makes it so different when you learn someone has something wrong with them. Would they behave the same if I turned up with an arm or leg missing? Maybe. Is it embarrassment, not knowing what to say? Is it Shame? Not wanting to be associated with a crazy person? What?

I think it's very sad that people can't look beyond a label, and what makes it sadder is that some people don't even try to understand, or become more informed about it. Why? Rash judgement and fear just grow the stigma about mental health issues, creates a self fulfilling prophecy, the more people stigmatise it, the more others will judge it. Yes I have OCD, Yes, I suffer from a mental illness, but that's not who I am (and I'm aware how hard that is to accept, some days I have trouble seeing the difference too). I have a mental illness, but who I am is quite different. I'm a mother, a wife, a daughter, and sister, a friend. Yes, sometimes I need a little more help the others, sometimes I struggle to leave my house, sometimes I wish the world would slow down so my head could catch up, but that doesn't make me any less then everyone else. We all need help at some point in our lives, some more than others. Does it matter that I spent 3 weeks on a ward for the mental ill? Not to those who matter, and if it matters to you, then I'm afraid I can't let you matter to me.

Should you have children when you have a mental illness? That is actually a question someone asked me before I had my beautiful son. Really?????? Should you have a child if your disabled? Missing limbs? Blind? Deaf? Of course you should, if that's what you want to do.
I struggled when I was pregnant, worrying about how my OCD would affect my baby, about how I could protect him from it, but after he was born I realised something very important. Firstly, I didn't need to protect him from my OCD, I needed to protect him against those who judge it! And secondly, after worrying about how he would be affected, I didn't take in to account how he would affect me OCD! Suddenly I was able to see it (doesn't mean I can always control it, it's a tricky little creature, this OCD) and some days, when the dark clouds are storming in my brain, and all I see is bleakness, I look up to see this beautiful 2 year old smiling at me or pulling faces, making mummy laugh, and suddenly those dark clouds, although still there, don't seem so daunting. Even this morning, after such a trying day yesterday, where I was ready to give up, I'd been in a manic mood all day and then the depression hit at the same time the terrible 2's hit my son, after all that, he still made me smile. He made me stand in the middle of the lounge and 'shake my peanuts!!' and you know what? As well as getting the elephant out of the tree (you had to be there I think), it got me out of my dark mood. Now there is a slightly happier mummy, and a happy bobo (because mummy is happier).
As he grows up, I hope he learns to accept people for who they are, not what they suffer from. I know he's going to have a lot to deal with growing up with a mentally unstable mother, but I also know (from experience) that it doesn't mean his life has to be any different from anyone else, that he has to miss out, because I know I will do everything in my power to make sure of it. And yes there will be bad days, and days where he resents me because of my illness, and I have to accept that. But I also accept that he will love me in the same way I love him, and that my beautiful boy will grow up in a loving home where he is cared for and taught the values of respect and tolerance. And yes some day's I feel like I'm failing as a mother (and the OCD just loves it), but then I'm assured by my 'not so mentally challenged' mummy friends that they feel that way too, Phew what a relief, if we are failing then we are all doing it together!

So yes, I have a mental illness, and yes sometimes I will write a blog that is all doom and gloom and end of world, but other days I will write a blog like this, that I hope informs and enlightens. And sometimes I will write a blog that is just plain nonsense, because I have nothing else to say, but hey, that's just me, and that's all I can be. If you don't like me because I have a mental illness, that's your problem and you can keep it because I have enough of my own. For those who love me for being me, I appreciate and love you all more then you could possibly know, and you will never fully comprehend how much it means to me that you care.

Happy camping my little OCD followers :)

Failure

I don't need others to point out my failings, I'm quite capable of pointing them out myself!! 

How many ways can I fail? More to the point, how many ways can I perceive I'm failing? As a mother? Quite a bit, today was a true example. 2 hour tantrum and I lost it and so I lost control of the situation and it spiralled out of control. And who lost out? I did, I ended up not having dinner and feeling more guilt than ever before. It's ridiculous, why am I not able to cope? I hate myself right now, it's been such a long day and at the end of it I feel defeated. The baby defeated me, the computer defeated me, the cooking even defeated me, how pathetic! And then I add to my own guilt, my own suffering, because after days like this I question having another child (don't worry, it's a long way off anyway). I'd love for Bobo to have a sibling but I just don't think I would cope! I really am pathetically weak.

And on top of it all I let myself down all the time, I can't stick to a diet, I can't find my motivation to exercise, I don't get on with the work I should be doing, I don't keep the house orderly. In fact I can sum it up a lot quicker if I said I'm failing as a mother, I'm failing as a wife, I'm failing as a woman and I'm failing as a human being!!

And yes some of this probably is my ocd getting the better of me, so that means its just another area of failure!!. 

I tell myself that tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I will get back on track, but first I have to get through the night!

I'm sorry, this is such s miserable blog, but to be honest, I don't care, I've had a miserable day.