So tense you can call me a campsite

OK, so I'm going to start with a joke!!
I know I know, you've probably heard it, but I think we can all do with a giggle, so here goes


You can never run through a campsite, you can only ran, because it's past tents

boom boom

Well it made me laugh anyway :)

So what's been happening around the campsite this last month? Well, thank you for asking. We've been having a bit of a festival with some entertainment tents, log fires and marshmallows. The festival was called Brainstock, with all the entertainment based in 3 different sets of tents:

Past tents

Present tents

Future tents

(can you see where this is going???)

You see, nothing here on the ocd campsite is ever straight forward, but sometimes we like to have a bit of fun, well the ocd does at any rate.

The festival was great, lots to do, in fact too much to do, so I didn't get to see everything. That's always the way though, isn't it? You never see it all, you never get the whole picture, it's all down to interpretation and experience. And even if you could see it all, would it make sense anyway? Needless to say, due to time restraints and other commitments I was forced to choose which tents to partake in and which I would have to miss out on.

It occurs to me, it's like a music festival and you have to choose which stage you want to watch, so you stick with what you know, or try something new and hope you enjoy it? Maybe start easy, this is my first Brainstock after all, maybe I'll stick to what I know and start off in the past tents and then if I have time move on to the future tents. Hhhhmmmmm but then I miss the present, should I be missing out on that? It's something I miss out on a lot, so maybe I should try something different, maybe try present and then back to the comfort of the past. But then I'd miss the future because I'd be spending to much time in the past tents.
OK so future followed by present? Ah but then the future tents can be very unreliable, and the line up isn't always what you are expecting, so then I would have wasted time there and missed a lot of the present and completely missed the past.

Choices choices. Which tents should I be picking? If only I could separate out my brain, my heart and my soul, as they would each be content going into their own sections.
My heart would love the future
My Brain would think the present is fantastic
And my soul would simply take flight in the past.

Or would they?

The more I think about it, the more I wonder which part of me is eager for which ticket, maybe my heart aches for the past and my brain would storm with delight in the future and my soul would quite simply like to meditate in the present. Oh no, maybe they all want all the tickets too and that's why I can't make a decision. It's easier to make a choice if you know what one part of you wants.

People always say "go with your gut" (I think that's your soul talking) or "follow your heart" or "listen to your brain", but what if all three are saying "I just don't know where I want to be" each of them telling the other to make a decision (I am, in general, very bad at making decisions, so it should be no surprise that my organs find it hard too!!!)

So, how to make a decision? Pros and Cons, that's what I'll do. I'll make a list of pros and con's for each tent and then pick one to stay in and enjoy. Right then, here goes:


                                       Pros                                                         cons

Past tents             I know it and it's comfy                            It can get quite
                                                                                             unhealthy and dark

Present tents         It's alive and happening                           Can be a little scary
                                                                                                and unexpected

Future tents          Can be planned and organised                 Doesn't always stick
                                                                                              to script, ad libs a lot



Well, hmmm, there we have it, a list. So on each one I'm liking the pros but totally hating the cons. It's not helped as much as I thought it would, but I can see now how each tent works, which is not something I've really thought about before.

I've organised a festival in my campground and now I'm unsure which of the area's I want to be in. Is this progress? Before all of this, while the beasts and bears were trashing the place I could have told you where I wanted to be in a heart beat, I would have run straight to the past tents and hidden out in a dark corner, seeking some kind of comfort in it, looking for clues as to what to do next, finding excuses to stay here, dwelling in the past, haunting my own background. Darkness and self pity the main attraction on stage with a warm up act of self hatred and denial.

As much as I'm still drawn to that tent, to the comfort of knowing what to expect, I'm not sure I belong there any more, or that I ever did. Maybe it's like being a Fleetwood Mac fan at an Iron Maiden concert, you might like the music, but you know you don't really belong there, and after a while even the music doesn't keep you there, so why stay?

Is that it, is this me leaving the concert? Am I moving away from the past tents? Is that why I'm finding it so hard to find out where to go? Have I just turned in to the festival version of a hobo?

I feel sad, as I'm writing this, it's dawning on me that I'm letting go, and I feel sad. I'm not entirely there yet, and I can't promise I won't sneak a peek once in a while, or that I won't sing along to one of the pasts catchy tunes, but I think its time. It's time to be a little scared and a little excited. I don't know if I belong in the present tents or the future tents, maybe I can decide that at the next brainstock, but I now know where I don't belong, and I think maybe I never did belong there.

I feel sad, I feel like I'm losing a part of me, that I'm grieving for an old friend, but that too will pass. Yes, there is past tents, and yes I have my memories, but I'm starting to feel like I don't have to visit that section of the festival any more, and in a way, that in it's self is a decision, and I'm mightily glad of that.

The bear truth of where I have been

Helllooooooooo, anybody there????? 

*pokes head out from hiding place*

Phew, they’ve gone, well at least for now.

Sorry folks, camp closed down for a while due to an infestation of brain beasts. We had the common variety anxiety bears, they like to come into the camp and worry at it. Then there were the grizzly ocd bears who got in to everything and made a right old mess of the camp ground. And while all this was going on, those sneaky little depression critters snuck in to the tents and made nests. All in all it left the site in a state of absolute chaos and on the brink of destruction!!

The good news is that park rangers have been deployed, most of the bears have been or are in the process of being rehomed in new locations away from the site and those pesky critters have been chased out by vermin control. Humane traps are being laid and the campsite is being rebuilt, hopefully this time with better defences!! I’m currently in the process of learning how the early detection warning siren works J

So how did this happen, how did these pests get in? Well that’s easy, they used stealth. A cunning strategic mix of acceptance and sneak! Like everything in life, if you allow it to become the norm then it becomes the norm.

Let me explain.

So there we are, sitting around the campfire, enjoying some slow roasted marshmallows, comfortable and drowsy, listening to the sounds that surround us every day, when all of a sudden we hear an unusual sort of sound, a low snuffling sort of sound. The sound comes closer and closer and we all sit still waiting to see what’s coming.............

Then it stops

Ok, all back to our marshmallows, panic over. We laugh a little, half out of nervousness, something we don’t know and don’t entirely trust had tried to enter our peaceful camp, but it’s ok now, it’s gone. And we carry on as normal.

The next night we hear it again, and again we stop roasting our marshmallows and we listen, waiting half in curiosity, half in anxiety. What is it? What is waiting for us just out of view? And just like that it disappears again.

After a few nights of the same snuffling we stop paying attention, oh there it is again, never mind, let’s just carry on roasting and telling stories.

We are now comfortable with that sound, with the unknown, skulking around the perimeter of our campsite, never showing itself but making itself known. We stop paying attention to it, stop noticing it altogether; it becomes just another background noise until.........................

Wasn’t it just one snuffling before? When did it become lots of snuffling and branch breaking? When did the sounds start coming from all around us? But we’re alright though, I mean, it’s not like they are causing us any harm, right?

All the time we believe that whatever it is will stay on the boundary, just out of sight. More dangerously we believe that it is only one type of creature. It hasn’t occurred to us that there might be more than one type of bear stalking these woods!!

So happily we camp, we carry on our everyday business, all the time aware that something isn’t right, but all the time ignoring it in the hope it goes away. But it doesn’t go away; in fact it does something unexpected........

A BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a bear in camp, quick, run, hide, panic, oh no, I can’t remember what to do if a bear comes in to camp!! I know I’ve been told, and even shown, but in the heat of the moment I can’t remember what to do. But wait a minute; the bear looks a bit confused too. It’s just standing there, watching us fleeing, probably wondering what we are doing.

Then the bear just turns and walks away.

We thank our lucky stars. That was close; we gather around the fire and compare notes. But in the confusion we all seem to have different stories. Was the bear angry or sad, scary or not. It’s all so jumbled even I’m not sure of my own feelings about the bear.

The next day the bear comes again. This time we wearily move out of its way, but there is less panic, more curiosity. I mean, it’s not even like the bear seems to mind us.

The bear comes every day and eventually even starts to feel like part of the camp. We’ve even started to feed the bear, encourage its attendance, even, dare I say it, started to like the bear. I wonder if you can train a bear??? I mean if it was a pet bear it wouldn’t be so dangerous, would it? Once you get control of it it can work for you, couldn’t it?

We start to find the bear a comfort

We forget the bear is dangerous

Until one day..........................................................................................

So yes, camp was brought to its knees, was brought to the brink of destruction, but the worst part is, I can’t blame the bears.

After all, I invited them in