The angry storm

Hey campers, things are about to get mighty stormy, so tether down your tents good and tight and follow me if you dare..........


A majestic arc of power strewn across the darkened sky - this is how I describe lightning

the occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud, accompanied by a bright flash and typically also thunder - this is how the Oxford dictionary describes lightning 

What's my point I hear you cry, well it's this.

Sometimes when you analyse things, take them apart, prod and poke them and see how they work, they lose their magic! The beautiful mystery that surrounds them fades and all you're left with is a bunch of molecules rubbing and causing voltage or some such. 

The same can be said of the past, or of relationships, the more you pick at them, the more mechanical and less beautiful they become, until in the end all you see is the machinery, the ugly mechanics, not the wonderful outcomes or memories that it all holds

But then I question whether I'm too naive? I often wonder do I need to know how it works, or can I just enjoy the beauty of it? Well the lightning is amazing, beautiful, mysterious, awe inspiring, it almost makes you want too stand on a tall hill and try and catch it, try and be part of its power, to join with it, to feels its incredible charge. But knowing exactly how it works tells me that if I did do that I'd be a pile of frazzled ashes, so sometimes knowing the mechanics stops us from doing something incredibly stupid or dangerous, or bad for our health. And yes it might take away some of the mystery, it might not seem as magnificent,  but maybe you can still hold on to some of the beauty while admiring the mechanics? 

What if we ignored the danger, would we definitely becomes crispy bacon? Would you take that chance to experience something amazingly breathtaking? Or would you stay inside, shut yourself away and wait for the storm to pass?

Is it better to ignore it than to watch it from afar, longing to join in and knowing you can't? To pretend it doesn't exist, or to see it just as an 'occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud' and pretend it holds no beauty?

I need my world to hold beauty, to be a world of mystery, to hold such wonders, but reality seems to clash with it somehow. Recent events seem to cloud my view, darken the horizons. Instead of a vista of wonder and light, I feel like I look out on a landscape of overflowing darkness. I want to live in a world where I can sit in harmony like an angel, spreading my wings on a warm morning breeze, yet here I stand like a maleficent creature overlooking all that I have made, the demons that I myself have bore, growing more powerful everyday with thoughts of anger and vengeance. Wanting to rip every star from the sky and darken the universe, to rip galaxies apart to vent my own frustrations and anger. An anger that swells from the very pit of my soul.  

Recent events have put my spirit in to turmoil, from knowing there is still beauty in the world and that we just have to work hard to get through this moment, to wanting to use my powers for evil. I'm so angry at the universe that I physically want to punish it! But I can't, so instead I'll punish myself and those closed to me. If I must feel like I'm in hell, then why not become the devil? At least own it!!!! And maybe it's time that I did. If the universe will cause me so much hurt and anger why not use it to my own advantage? Why not turn this hell into my own playground, with my own rules? Maybe it's time I gave karma a taste of its own medicine. 

Someone told me 'god only gives you as much as he thinks you can handle' well, his plan is about to backfire!!!

I can sit and mope about not being able to play with the lightning or I can be inspired by its magnificent power!!! So I'm making a choice, now it's all about me! 

I thought being this angry at the world would make me weaker, make me small and vulnerable, but it hasn't,  if anything it's done the opposite, it's made me stronger, given me an inner power I never knew existed. It's made me more selfish, but it's what I need. Now it's all about me, what I need to be as a mother, what I need to be as a daughter, but most of all, what I need to be as me. 

I need to be me, and if that means being selfish or detached. Then so be it. I'm putting up my defences, I might not be able to play with the lightning but I'm gonna get damn close to it!!! 

I've always worried what other people think, what they will say. Well no more, now they can worry what I think or say. I'm not going to fight to be in people's lives, if they want to be in mine, let them fight to be, and if they don't then I don't want them in my life!!!!! 

I might no be able to play with lightning but I'm gonna bloody stir up a storm!!!!!!

'When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by

Like New Year's Eve, tonight's underway

But tomorrow you'll wake up afraid of the day

'Cause underneath the scars of your broken dreams

An undone war still wages and stings

You fear the year will blow

Like a breeze through a rainbow

You swear it's there, but you can't grab a hold

So you sit and cry and wonder why, why...

When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by

So many cities and windows and lives

And through each one there's a soul that strives to survive

So pay no mind, my sorrow's fine

The day is a live and that's why I cry

It's a New Year's toast, grab your list to conspire

The last snake hissed as he was thrown in the fire

You've come far, and though you're far from the end

You don't mind where you are, cause you know where you've been' - 

Carbon Leaf 'let your troubles roll by'

Running Scared!

Wow what a couple of weeks it's been and not in a good way, but I've learnt something about myself, so maybe it's not all bad!!

In a fight or flight situation my instinct is to run!! You're never going to catch me ghost hunting or searching for serial killers, I have enough trouble in my life without seeking it out. But what if you run straight in to trouble???? 

Well that's what friends are for!! Some are there to distract you, some are there to comfort you and some are there to keep you on the straight and narrow and kick your arse when necessary.

I feel sorry for my friends. The ones who try and distract me inevitably end up hurt or in trouble or both! The ones who try to comfort me often end up feeling rejected by my coldness or at a loss of how to console someone who seems emotionally void. Then there are those who keep me in check, I feel sorry for them coz it's a bloody hard job when my flight instinct kicks in.

I wish I could find betters ways of dealing with things other than the choices I have given myself, but that's how I am. I believe I have 3 choices; firstly shut down and be practical. In this instant, no matter the pain, you are not allowed to cry or show weakness. You must get on and do what needs doing. Any show of weakness will get you killed or worse, hurt!!! Don't get hurt, that's the main objective to my life now, and weakness leads to hurt!!!!

In fact hurt first, inflict the first damage, put the walls up and push everyone out. Be nasty, be vicious, make others feel bad so that they hate you and leave. That way it's your choice and you can't get hurt. Attack those who you feel the most about first! Hit first and hit hard and what ever you do, DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS 

Second choice: run away. Run and keep running, run for your life. Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man. Only problem with this is I can never outrun myself. I could run forever but I'll always catch up!! I can never out run the pain and hurt, so maybe that's not a great option. Plus I'm a parent now. How can I run, how can I teach Bobo that this is a healthy reaction to life??? 

And anyway where would I run?? Probably straight into option 3....

Option 3: Hit the red button, a world of self destruct and self harm!!! Keep everything held in and then release it in bursts of self annihilation!!! Unfortunately it sometimes involves taking others with me :(  

Self harm is something I've struggled with for years, fortunately I've been able to manage it for the last couple of years although the urge is always there. What people don't realise or understand is that self harm comes in many forms, it's not just about cutting, it's anything that causes harm to the self, like risky behaviour or drinking etc. there are so many ways to self harm of destruct they can quite simply creep up on you and convince you to join in.

This is what I do, this is how I cope when I'm stressed, this is what I put everyone through!!!

So yes, my family and friends have a lot to put up with when I'm stressed, and I can see why I end up labeled 'cold' or 'bitch'. But everyone has coping mechanisms and these are mine.

I'm lucky to have such strong friends, and if I hurt you or call you names, or make you feel like you've done something wrong, trust me, it's not you, it's me. The more I hurt you the more I'm hurting. The more I'm shutting down, the more I'm holding in. The more I'm trying to push you away, the closer I need you.

One day I'll learn a healthy way to cope with life, until then, I'm running scared!