Well, it is that time of year when we sit around and try and scare each other witless with tales of terror, yes it's Halloween, so sit tight, grab a pillow while I terrorise you with my own tales of horror mwah ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa.
After the (understandable) cancellation of a Halloween party, I decided rather than wallow in my own ocd misery and paranoia I would in fact organise a Halloween play date for bobo's friends! It seemed like a good idea, but in my enthusiasm to throw a wonderful Halloween tea party I completely forgot that my ocd and my house were against me. So what started as an ok week has slowly turned into an ocd hell, where I have been left trying to do it all last minute. Now don't get me wrong, I love hosting little tea parties, and having fun. But when you have a teething 18 month old and ocd it's a challenge. It's meant a late night tonight, and an early wake up call in the morning to get it all done, and I also have the added extra of making a pumpkin soup with the left overs from my jack o'lantern (which I might add looks pretty fine). It's all a screaming mess, well actually it's fine, I'm a screaming mess!
I have a list, in fact I have several lists, but right now while I'm writing this I have a list swimming around my head of things that need doing, but it's getting so bad I've already cleaned out the fridge, twice!! Problem is, the more I try to organise the less I get done, so now I have to get up early, panic and stress, do all the things that don't need doing, forget the stuff that does need doing, get myself in a tizz and then pretend I'm sane and relaxed when guests arrive! Easy lol
This week hasn't been to bad, I've had some very enjoy times, meeting up with friends and having fun with bobo, but even this has presented problems, case in point, the missing purse.
I arranged to meet up with a friend and her son for a play date at a local soft play center, I hate being late, sets my ocd off something rotten. So I leave in plenty of time and get there ridiculously early. We sit in the car waiting til it's time and then start getting ready to go in, check I've got my stuff: change bag? Check, keys? Check, purse? Che..... Hang on, I know it's in my bag somewhere, must have moved it to the other side, nope, maybe inside, nope. Well I must have moved it somewhere! And that's when the pit of my stomach dropped to a level so low I didn't even know it exsist ed, I did move my purse, it's in my other bag!!!!!! Omg, I don't have time to go home but I need my purse so I have to go home, but that will make me late, that will make me look like a horrible person who doesn't care about other people. Maybe I should just cancel!!! I just want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. How could I be that stupid?? I'm so stupid, so dumb its surprising anyone wants to be friends with me, I waste other people's time, how rude of me, I'm do inconsiderate, people shouldn't have to put up with the likes of me!!!!
So I finally make it, 10 minutes late, I didn't cancel, I refused too, for the sake of my son. And do you know what? We had a great time there. But later when I got home my brain just couldn't leave it alone!! So now before I leave the house I have another list bouncing around in my brain, a list of the things I need to take with me to stop me being s bad person
Another list, another weapon for the ocd. Take aim and fire. Direct hit. List list list list list list list, and when I finish writing this ill be writing a list of what needs doing when I get up, as if the unfinished list from today isn't enough, I need a list of lists just so I know what's going on!!
I'm drowning in lists, glug glug
Are you scared yet? Happy Halloween my dear campers x x x
Friday 26 October 2012
Friday 19 October 2012
Chocolate fuelled insanity.
Well its time for the weekly camp side chat. So gather round people.
What a week!! From tantrums to long drives to Sutton. My ocd has had a free trip on the rollercoaster of life, and now it's snacking on my paranoia :(
Now if your one of my friends that have recently cancelled I don't want you to take this personally, remember, the views held by my ocd brain are not those held by the rest of the establishment!! This is not your problem but mine.
Every time someone cancels on me (for good reason, I might add) I begin to slide down the ocd road of thought, it goes something like this:
Person cancels - I think 'that's a shame' - ocd perks up and says 'wonder why they are really cancelling?' - I answer 'because they had to' - ocd says 'maybe its you, they don't want to see you' - 'don't be stupid, why would they do that' - 'because you said something or did something to offend them' - 'did I?' - and now I start replaying every conversation, meeting, text, email etc to find some clue as to how I've offended them, and all the while I know it's not true, but the ocd is persistent. Worse still is when it's a group gathering, 'are you sure it's not just you they've cancelled, everyone else is going, they just don't want you there!!' stupid ocd!
So I'm feeling a little paranoid, and the ocd is niggling at me, trying to get me to react, and at the same time I have a 18 month old throwing the worlds longest and loudest tantrum at me. So that's it, even my baby hates me, it's because he knows what a terrible mother I am!
I'm determined not to let the ocd get the better of me, instead I feed it chocolate, which works for a while, my ocd is like a petulant child, it's fine while your bribing it. But then I know I'm overweight and now I'm putting on more weight eating all this chocolate ('no wonder people don't want you around fatty' says the horrible ocd). It's fine, I'll just eat more chocolate, and before I know it I'm bingeing!!! It's time to stop, this is a disasterous road to be on, turn around and go back, do not carry on down this path!!!! Stop now, the signs are all there, you know how this ends. READ THE SIGNS!! 1mile to complete binge. 2 miles to guilt ridden purging. 3 miles to utter dispair at state your in. Final destination, self harm! NO!! We've come to far to start on this again. Put down the dairy milk and step away!!!
I wouldn't mind but we are only on Tuesday!
Tuesday turns out to be less then perfect. The clutch goes on the daddymobile and as a consequence I have to sacrifice the mummymobile! But this might be benificial. I can't go to the shops in the car, so no binging, unless I walk to the local shop, but that's unlikely, it's to cold.
Good, time to come up with a plan of action. No more ocd, no bingeing, no looking for the puzzle piece that's missing again (although I do believe from now on we will be buying solid one piece toys gggrrrrr). I'm done, I'm sick of myself!!!
Yeah right, puzzle piece was under the sofa! Guess how I knew that! And the bathroom is bleached to within an inch of its life. My hands are sore from cleaning and I can't get the house tidy enough, but I'm not bingeing, so success right? Maybe not
So it's Friday now, and I'm laying in a bed in a premier inn writing my blog which probably makes no sense, want to know why? Well firstly, it's because I'm using my phone and a terrible Internet connection, secondly it's because I have a thousand thoughts about how the house isn't going to survive my absence!!! I hate it, I wish I could just go away and enjoy myself, but I have to deal with this demon first. Need to stop worrying about all the ifs and buts, and relax. People leave their houses everyday and nothing happens!!! I need to let it go, after all I'm here to see friends and meet a new addition :) I can't wait, and no body has cancelled, and I'm excited. If only my brain would let go and enjoy!!!
Well that's it, the embers are dying and the campsite is dark. It's time to snuggle in your tents and get some sleep. It's another long ocd trek over the next week. Your going to need all your energy. I'm organising a Halloween, and my ocd is gonna make sure it scares me to death!!!
Good night, happy camping x x x
What a week!! From tantrums to long drives to Sutton. My ocd has had a free trip on the rollercoaster of life, and now it's snacking on my paranoia :(
Now if your one of my friends that have recently cancelled I don't want you to take this personally, remember, the views held by my ocd brain are not those held by the rest of the establishment!! This is not your problem but mine.
Every time someone cancels on me (for good reason, I might add) I begin to slide down the ocd road of thought, it goes something like this:
Person cancels - I think 'that's a shame' - ocd perks up and says 'wonder why they are really cancelling?' - I answer 'because they had to' - ocd says 'maybe its you, they don't want to see you' - 'don't be stupid, why would they do that' - 'because you said something or did something to offend them' - 'did I?' - and now I start replaying every conversation, meeting, text, email etc to find some clue as to how I've offended them, and all the while I know it's not true, but the ocd is persistent. Worse still is when it's a group gathering, 'are you sure it's not just you they've cancelled, everyone else is going, they just don't want you there!!' stupid ocd!
So I'm feeling a little paranoid, and the ocd is niggling at me, trying to get me to react, and at the same time I have a 18 month old throwing the worlds longest and loudest tantrum at me. So that's it, even my baby hates me, it's because he knows what a terrible mother I am!
I'm determined not to let the ocd get the better of me, instead I feed it chocolate, which works for a while, my ocd is like a petulant child, it's fine while your bribing it. But then I know I'm overweight and now I'm putting on more weight eating all this chocolate ('no wonder people don't want you around fatty' says the horrible ocd). It's fine, I'll just eat more chocolate, and before I know it I'm bingeing!!! It's time to stop, this is a disasterous road to be on, turn around and go back, do not carry on down this path!!!! Stop now, the signs are all there, you know how this ends. READ THE SIGNS!! 1mile to complete binge. 2 miles to guilt ridden purging. 3 miles to utter dispair at state your in. Final destination, self harm! NO!! We've come to far to start on this again. Put down the dairy milk and step away!!!
I wouldn't mind but we are only on Tuesday!
Tuesday turns out to be less then perfect. The clutch goes on the daddymobile and as a consequence I have to sacrifice the mummymobile! But this might be benificial. I can't go to the shops in the car, so no binging, unless I walk to the local shop, but that's unlikely, it's to cold.
Good, time to come up with a plan of action. No more ocd, no bingeing, no looking for the puzzle piece that's missing again (although I do believe from now on we will be buying solid one piece toys gggrrrrr). I'm done, I'm sick of myself!!!
Yeah right, puzzle piece was under the sofa! Guess how I knew that! And the bathroom is bleached to within an inch of its life. My hands are sore from cleaning and I can't get the house tidy enough, but I'm not bingeing, so success right? Maybe not
So it's Friday now, and I'm laying in a bed in a premier inn writing my blog which probably makes no sense, want to know why? Well firstly, it's because I'm using my phone and a terrible Internet connection, secondly it's because I have a thousand thoughts about how the house isn't going to survive my absence!!! I hate it, I wish I could just go away and enjoy myself, but I have to deal with this demon first. Need to stop worrying about all the ifs and buts, and relax. People leave their houses everyday and nothing happens!!! I need to let it go, after all I'm here to see friends and meet a new addition :) I can't wait, and no body has cancelled, and I'm excited. If only my brain would let go and enjoy!!!
Well that's it, the embers are dying and the campsite is dark. It's time to snuggle in your tents and get some sleep. It's another long ocd trek over the next week. Your going to need all your energy. I'm organising a Halloween, and my ocd is gonna make sure it scares me to death!!!
Good night, happy camping x x x
Friday 12 October 2012
Aware of Ocd Awareness week
Right, if we are all seated comfortably around the campfire I'll begin.
As this is my first entry I will try and take it slowly, and be interesting(ish). But if i suddenly stray off on a ramble, or speed up, feel free to comment :)
This week has been OCD awareness week, held by OCDUK, a charity I can not give enough praise too. they asked if some of us sufferes would keep a diary as our facebook statues for the week, and of course, as an avid supporter of such a worthy cause I accepted their challenge. What I wasn't expecting was to become so aware of my own OCD! I thought I'd been doing particularly well, but you have to admit you have a problem when you convince yourself a wooden puffer fish will cure you (it's a long story, but my son lost a piece of a puzzle and I couldn't control my brain til it was found, which lead to a long and thorough search of the house and the finding of a previous toy that I had also become obsessed about). I had turned the week into a competition, me V's the ocd, and so far the ocd was winning. How was this possible, I'm fine, I don't have a problem, do I? As long as everything is in it's right place, everything goes how I mentally plan it, and the house is secure, oh yes and people stay away from edges of platforms and roads, oh and I'm not late for anything and, and, and, and ........... ok, might have a slight issue.
Things came to a head today in my brain when a random thought almost lead to me screaming at one of bobo's teachers, all because my ocd got the better of me :( Here's what happened:
Even when I leave the house, my brain stays at home. It stays behind to do all the checks that it thinks I might not have done properly, is the door locked? Is the oven off? Are my hair straighteners unplugged? (mentally checking even though I know full well I've not had time to use my hair straighteners in over a week!!). Did I drive to the class ok? Did I run anyone over? Finally my brain has made it to my location and it's starting to catch up. Then I realise someone has been talking to me, and I've been answering, but I've not really been paying attention. OMG, they must think I'm terrible, that I don't care. If they think I'm like this, what do they think I'm like with bobo (our 18 month old son)? Do they think I neglect him, don't pay him the attention he deserves? So now I'm over compensating, giving bobo all my attention, verging on spoiling him, and as I glance up I can see the teacher looking my way and suddenly I'm riddled with guilt, and shame and anger, and I'm on the verge of yelling 'Don't look at me like that, I don't neglect him, I love him. How could you even think I'd neglect him????' And there it is, it wasn't her that thought it at all, it was me, or rather that hideous monster, OCD, which is sitting smuggly in my brain saying "gotcha". I'd like to say this is a one off occurrence, but it's not, it's my life!
so there you have it, it's been a very OCD aware week, giving me plenty of things to think about (or maybe obsess about). I'll leave it at that, demands of motherhood and ocd are dragging me away from the warm glow of the campfire, plus I think any more and I might scare you good campers away.
so good night for now, and remember, it's not about switching lights, worrying about contamination or having to have things just so. OCD is a real illness, with real consequences, so if you get a chance to pass on the message, please do, or check out OCDUK for more information.
Happy camping :)
As this is my first entry I will try and take it slowly, and be interesting(ish). But if i suddenly stray off on a ramble, or speed up, feel free to comment :)
This week has been OCD awareness week, held by OCDUK, a charity I can not give enough praise too. they asked if some of us sufferes would keep a diary as our facebook statues for the week, and of course, as an avid supporter of such a worthy cause I accepted their challenge. What I wasn't expecting was to become so aware of my own OCD! I thought I'd been doing particularly well, but you have to admit you have a problem when you convince yourself a wooden puffer fish will cure you (it's a long story, but my son lost a piece of a puzzle and I couldn't control my brain til it was found, which lead to a long and thorough search of the house and the finding of a previous toy that I had also become obsessed about). I had turned the week into a competition, me V's the ocd, and so far the ocd was winning. How was this possible, I'm fine, I don't have a problem, do I? As long as everything is in it's right place, everything goes how I mentally plan it, and the house is secure, oh yes and people stay away from edges of platforms and roads, oh and I'm not late for anything and, and, and, and ........... ok, might have a slight issue.
Things came to a head today in my brain when a random thought almost lead to me screaming at one of bobo's teachers, all because my ocd got the better of me :( Here's what happened:
Even when I leave the house, my brain stays at home. It stays behind to do all the checks that it thinks I might not have done properly, is the door locked? Is the oven off? Are my hair straighteners unplugged? (mentally checking even though I know full well I've not had time to use my hair straighteners in over a week!!). Did I drive to the class ok? Did I run anyone over? Finally my brain has made it to my location and it's starting to catch up. Then I realise someone has been talking to me, and I've been answering, but I've not really been paying attention. OMG, they must think I'm terrible, that I don't care. If they think I'm like this, what do they think I'm like with bobo (our 18 month old son)? Do they think I neglect him, don't pay him the attention he deserves? So now I'm over compensating, giving bobo all my attention, verging on spoiling him, and as I glance up I can see the teacher looking my way and suddenly I'm riddled with guilt, and shame and anger, and I'm on the verge of yelling 'Don't look at me like that, I don't neglect him, I love him. How could you even think I'd neglect him????' And there it is, it wasn't her that thought it at all, it was me, or rather that hideous monster, OCD, which is sitting smuggly in my brain saying "gotcha". I'd like to say this is a one off occurrence, but it's not, it's my life!
so there you have it, it's been a very OCD aware week, giving me plenty of things to think about (or maybe obsess about). I'll leave it at that, demands of motherhood and ocd are dragging me away from the warm glow of the campfire, plus I think any more and I might scare you good campers away.
so good night for now, and remember, it's not about switching lights, worrying about contamination or having to have things just so. OCD is a real illness, with real consequences, so if you get a chance to pass on the message, please do, or check out OCDUK for more information.
Happy camping :)
Thursday 11 October 2012
Welcome campers :)
Hello, and welcome to ocd camp, a place where my mind is free to wonder through obsessive compulsive disorder, and maybe take a few people with me, to inform, challenge, and maybe amuse just a little.
Let me introduce myself, I'll be your camp leader, I have over 15 years experience with ocd, living with it on a daily basis. It has seen me in some really dark places, but has also shown me the humourous side of a mental illness too. It can be very challenging and deceptive, it can turn your whole life upside down in a flash.
Many trivialise it as a quirk or just someone being fussy, so I'm here to guide you through and show you just what a mental illness can do to a person
So grab your mental rucksack, pitch your virtual tents and come sit around the campfire of insanity.
I'll be around at least once a week (probably on a friday night, such is my thrilling social life) to make sure your kept updated with all the need to know ocd events of my life and to answer any questions you may have.
Happy camping :)
Let me introduce myself, I'll be your camp leader, I have over 15 years experience with ocd, living with it on a daily basis. It has seen me in some really dark places, but has also shown me the humourous side of a mental illness too. It can be very challenging and deceptive, it can turn your whole life upside down in a flash.
Many trivialise it as a quirk or just someone being fussy, so I'm here to guide you through and show you just what a mental illness can do to a person
So grab your mental rucksack, pitch your virtual tents and come sit around the campfire of insanity.
I'll be around at least once a week (probably on a friday night, such is my thrilling social life) to make sure your kept updated with all the need to know ocd events of my life and to answer any questions you may have.
Happy camping :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)