In a fight or flight situation my instinct is to run!! You're never going to catch me ghost hunting or searching for serial killers, I have enough trouble in my life without seeking it out. But what if you run straight in to trouble????
Well that's what friends are for!! Some are there to distract you, some are there to comfort you and some are there to keep you on the straight and narrow and kick your arse when necessary.
I feel sorry for my friends. The ones who try and distract me inevitably end up hurt or in trouble or both! The ones who try to comfort me often end up feeling rejected by my coldness or at a loss of how to console someone who seems emotionally void. Then there are those who keep me in check, I feel sorry for them coz it's a bloody hard job when my flight instinct kicks in.
I wish I could find betters ways of dealing with things other than the choices I have given myself, but that's how I am. I believe I have 3 choices; firstly shut down and be practical. In this instant, no matter the pain, you are not allowed to cry or show weakness. You must get on and do what needs doing. Any show of weakness will get you killed or worse, hurt!!! Don't get hurt, that's the main objective to my life now, and weakness leads to hurt!!!!
In fact hurt first, inflict the first damage, put the walls up and push everyone out. Be nasty, be vicious, make others feel bad so that they hate you and leave. That way it's your choice and you can't get hurt. Attack those who you feel the most about first! Hit first and hit hard and what ever you do, DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS
Second choice: run away. Run and keep running, run for your life. Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man. Only problem with this is I can never outrun myself. I could run forever but I'll always catch up!! I can never out run the pain and hurt, so maybe that's not a great option. Plus I'm a parent now. How can I run, how can I teach Bobo that this is a healthy reaction to life???
And anyway where would I run?? Probably straight into option 3....
Option 3: Hit the red button, a world of self destruct and self harm!!! Keep everything held in and then release it in bursts of self annihilation!!! Unfortunately it sometimes involves taking others with me :(
Self harm is something I've struggled with for years, fortunately I've been able to manage it for the last couple of years although the urge is always there. What people don't realise or understand is that self harm comes in many forms, it's not just about cutting, it's anything that causes harm to the self, like risky behaviour or drinking etc. there are so many ways to self harm of destruct they can quite simply creep up on you and convince you to join in.
This is what I do, this is how I cope when I'm stressed, this is what I put everyone through!!!
So yes, my family and friends have a lot to put up with when I'm stressed, and I can see why I end up labeled 'cold' or 'bitch'. But everyone has coping mechanisms and these are mine.
I'm lucky to have such strong friends, and if I hurt you or call you names, or make you feel like you've done something wrong, trust me, it's not you, it's me. The more I hurt you the more I'm hurting. The more I'm shutting down, the more I'm holding in. The more I'm trying to push you away, the closer I need you.
One day I'll learn a healthy way to cope with life, until then, I'm running scared!
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