Oops, sorry campers, I went for a hike in the ocd forest and got myself a bit lost, has taken me a couple of weeks but I'm back and ready to start our lovely fireside stories once again. So grab your blankets, snuggle round and I shall begin...........
The ocd forest is very large and very diverse, it's full of wonderfully imaginative ways to keep you trapped, and I'll be first to admit, I'm a little gullible when it comes to my ocd, in fact if my ocd told me that the word gullible had been removed from the dictionary I'd probably go and look. I'm an easy target. It doesn't help that I'm sleep deprived due to a change in sleeping arrangements with our 19 month old son, we've moved him into his own room and he's deciding to check I'm there every couple of hours *sigh*
Lack of sleep means more time to think, which is great, until you realise that everything, every thought can be misinterpreted by ocd. I'm in a slump. I'm talking myself round in circles about nothing in particular, it's ridiculous.
One of my (many) problems is making decisions, or making the right decision. This will blow your mind, what happens to the decision you didn't make? At the moment my mind is obsessed with this. Simple example, I chose pork for lunch today, but what if I'd chosen beef? Would dinner have been earlier? If so does that mean I wouldn't have finished the dinning area? Etc etc etc. but now I'm replaying ever decision I've ever made, trying to figure out the out come to all the other decisions I didn't make. It a very dangerous game.
Ocd is full of what ifs, but my mind is flirting with danger checking out all the ifs. It will be my own sorry fault if my brain explodes!!! It's a ripple effect, you get trapped, well and truly entrenched, because one thought leads to another. All decisions lead to other decisions, so what if you had chosen something else? What would have been the knock on sessions you didn't get to make? If you'd known what the other decisions were would you have made the initial decision? But most of all, when you close one door, where does it go? What happens to that decision? Does it split off into a parallel universe where your alter ego makes the opposite choice and now lives a slightly different (or completely different) version of your life? If so how many other universes are there?
I hope there are alternate realities, because then hopefully in one of them I'm making all the right choices!
My brain is so stuffed with this nonsense about all of my decisions it's difficult to think. Every time I'm making a choice I feel the small burn of anxiety in the pit of my stomach because I know when I make a decision the other choice is lost forever!!!! Just thinking about it is making me tense up.
Well that's it from me tonight. I'm tired and need to get some shut eye before bobo comes and wakes me at some ridiculous hour of the morning that I didn't even know it existed!
Night night and happy camping, and I promise, no more long hikes in the woods ;)
