OK, so I'm going to start with a joke!!
I know I know, you've probably heard it, but I think we can all do with a giggle, so here goes
You can never run through a campsite, you can only ran, because it's past tents
boom boom
Well it made me laugh anyway :)
So what's been happening around the campsite this last month? Well, thank you for asking. We've been having a bit of a festival with some entertainment tents, log fires and marshmallows. The festival was called Brainstock, with all the entertainment based in 3 different sets of tents:
Past tents
Present tents
Future tents
(can you see where this is going???)
You see, nothing here on the ocd campsite is ever straight forward, but sometimes we like to have a bit of fun, well the ocd does at any rate.
The festival was great, lots to do, in fact too much to do, so I didn't get to see everything. That's always the way though, isn't it? You never see it all, you never get the whole picture, it's all down to interpretation and experience. And even if you could see it all, would it make sense anyway? Needless to say, due to time restraints and other commitments I was forced to choose which tents to partake in and which I would have to miss out on.
It occurs to me, it's like a music festival and you have to choose which stage you want to watch, so you stick with what you know, or try something new and hope you enjoy it? Maybe start easy, this is my first Brainstock after all, maybe I'll stick to what I know and start off in the past tents and then if I have time move on to the future tents. Hhhhmmmmm but then I miss the present, should I be missing out on that? It's something I miss out on a lot, so maybe I should try something different, maybe try present and then back to the comfort of the past. But then I'd miss the future because I'd be spending to much time in the past tents.
OK so future followed by present? Ah but then the future tents can be very unreliable, and the line up isn't always what you are expecting, so then I would have wasted time there and missed a lot of the present and completely missed the past.
Choices choices. Which tents should I be picking? If only I could separate out my brain, my heart and my soul, as they would each be content going into their own sections.
My heart would love the future
My Brain would think the present is fantastic
And my soul would simply take flight in the past.
Or would they?
The more I think about it, the more I wonder which part of me is eager for which ticket, maybe my heart aches for the past and my brain would storm with delight in the future and my soul would quite simply like to meditate in the present. Oh no, maybe they all want all the tickets too and that's why I can't make a decision. It's easier to make a choice if you know what one part of you wants.
People always say "go with your gut" (I think that's your soul talking) or "follow your heart" or "listen to your brain", but what if all three are saying "I just don't know where I want to be" each of them telling the other to make a decision (I am, in general, very bad at making decisions, so it should be no surprise that my organs find it hard too!!!)
So, how to make a decision? Pros and Cons, that's what I'll do. I'll make a list of pros and con's for each tent and then pick one to stay in and enjoy. Right then, here goes:
Pros cons
Past tents I know it and it's comfy It can get quite
unhealthy and dark
Present tents It's alive and happening Can be a little scary
and unexpected
Future tents Can be planned and organised Doesn't always stick
to script, ad libs a lot
Well, hmmm, there we have it, a list. So on each one I'm liking the pros but totally hating the cons. It's not helped as much as I thought it would, but I can see now how each tent works, which is not something I've really thought about before.
I've organised a festival in my campground and now I'm unsure which of the area's I want to be in. Is this progress? Before all of this, while the beasts and bears were trashing the place I could have told you where I wanted to be in a heart beat, I would have run straight to the past tents and hidden out in a dark corner, seeking some kind of comfort in it, looking for clues as to what to do next, finding excuses to stay here, dwelling in the past, haunting my own background. Darkness and self pity the main attraction on stage with a warm up act of self hatred and denial.
As much as I'm still drawn to that tent, to the comfort of knowing what to expect, I'm not sure I belong there any more, or that I ever did. Maybe it's like being a Fleetwood Mac fan at an Iron Maiden concert, you might like the music, but you know you don't really belong there, and after a while even the music doesn't keep you there, so why stay?
Is that it, is this me leaving the concert? Am I moving away from the past tents? Is that why I'm finding it so hard to find out where to go? Have I just turned in to the festival version of a hobo?
I feel sad, as I'm writing this, it's dawning on me that I'm letting go, and I feel sad. I'm not entirely there yet, and I can't promise I won't sneak a peek once in a while, or that I won't sing along to one of the pasts catchy tunes, but I think its time. It's time to be a little scared and a little excited. I don't know if I belong in the present tents or the future tents, maybe I can decide that at the next brainstock, but I now know where I don't belong, and I think maybe I never did belong there.
I feel sad, I feel like I'm losing a part of me, that I'm grieving for an old friend, but that too will pass. Yes, there is past tents, and yes I have my memories, but I'm starting to feel like I don't have to visit that section of the festival any more, and in a way, that in it's self is a decision, and I'm mightily glad of that.
