New year

Well the campfire is burning, the bubbly is on ice and we're all about to party and by all I include the OCD! Ooohhhh the last blog of the year!!!

Sane me is looking forward to the new year, new year new start, but the ocd is looking at the year gone past and wondering if it can top it! A lot has happened in 2012, good and bad, and as much as I'd like to look back and see all the wonderful events, like my baby's first birthday or celebrating his christening with special family and friends, or spending time with loved ones, my ocd would like to spend the time contemplating where I've gone wrong, where the year went wrong, and what a terrible job I do. On top of that it would like to point out how next year will be full of the same. So is there any point celebrating the new year?

Celebrating new year means acknowledging the fact that another year has passed, that time is steadily marching forward whether I keep up or not. I read other peoples statuses on Facebook, all happy, glad of the year they've had and looking forward to a better one ahead and I'd like to join in (and I probably will, with a status thats well rehearsed and untruthfully cheerful), but I can't help thinking 'what will go wrong this year? What will screw up 2013?). It's not the best way to start a year, it's not the positive outlook I was hoping for, but the OCD has got the better of me!!

I have so many dreams for the coming year, but I feel that by even just wanting them I've already jinxed it. So I'm trying not to plan ahead, live day by day, but I can't help it, I can't help feeling a tiny bit optimistic (and even a little exited) that maybe 2013 will be a good year and that I will get some of the things I hope for (if not all). But again the OCD is nagging, 'all you'll get woman is what you deserve: nothing!!!! Would bother even thinking about it coz you won't get it, in fact there will be cruel and unusual things that not only stop you getting what you want, but make it even worse!!' Well thanks OCD, and a Bloody Happy New Year to You Too!!

It's not that I'm determined not to enjoy next year, I'm just worried that it will repeat some of the unnecessary harshness of this year, and I'm not sure how much more I can take.
So here are my aims for next year:
Spend every spare moment enjoying my time with my husband and son
Lose weight
Lose OCD (or at least try and get the reins back on it)
Be thankful for what I've got
Start taking my card making much more seriously and get on with it!!!
start looking after myself.

There are a few specific things that I'm wishing for for next year, but I'm not going to list them as they're personal to me and by writing them down I feel like I would jinx them and never get what I want. They're not unrealistic wants but I know that I might not get them, which is ok in one sense, as long as the ocd leaves them alone (which it won't).

But that's it, I'll celebrate the new year, in the hope I will be able to leave the past in this one and start looking forward. And even if my cheery celebrations are a mask hiding my fear of marching time and overwhelming OCD, maybe if I fake it enough I might start to actually mean it

So from my campsite of wild OCD and rambling thoughts, I wish you all a very Happy and Peaceful New Year x x x

The ocd before Christmas

Wishing all those who camp here with me a very merry Christmas. Will be seeing you all in the new year :)

For now I'll just leave you with my night before Christmas, enjoy.

Twas the night before Christmas

When all through my brain

Ocd was stirring

Like a runaway train

the children all tucked up

Safely in bed

Mum up fretting and

Cleaning instead

When out in the hallway

Hubby asked what is the matter

I answered with haste

Can't you see all the clutter

The family are coming

The house isn't done

There's so much to do

I won't be much fun

Riddled with guilt

That the day would go wrong

Ocd whistled

And rejoiced in its song

Come panic, come grief, 

Come guilt, come shame

Come dispair, come obsession

Come, anxiety and self blame

There in my brain

Lay ocd

Laughing and jeering

Not letting me be

With a laugh and a smile

And a wink of an eye

I knew I could wish

My Christmas goodbye

The festive good cheer

Of those all around

In my ocd brain

Could not be found

With a nod of the head

Ocd took flight

shouted Merry Christmas to all

Except you, good night!

Karma not calmer

Evening campers, how are we all. I've been very lapse in posting, so apologies.

I'm obsessed with karma, or in my case bad karma. Obviously I'm a bad person, or so my brain informs me! All things happen for a reason, usually as a response to something you've said or done, cause and effect, so with that in mind (in an addled obsessed crazed mind) it means that everything that has happened has been an effect of something I have done, thus bad karma! Are you still with me?

I'm not the most optimistic person on the planet, but at the moment I feel like the glass is beyond half empty, it's well and truly empty, smashed and wine spilt all over the floor (which I will end up having to clean up myself, no doubt!). Maybe it's the OCD (it's the OCD) and maybe I'm concerntrating so much on the negatives I'm missing the positives, maybe. On the other hand maybe it's just all negative (hello OCD, welcome to the party). Is it still paranoia if they really are all out to get you? The last two weeks have given me the worst luck, and instead of brushing it off and getting on with it I've instead been looking for the trigger, and so far I've come up with this: I'm a bad person and it's all my fault (oh, OCD, I wasn't aware you were hosting the party!!!).

Writing this down I can see how dramatic it all sounds, but I genuinely believe that I must be a bad person? Why would karma punish a good person? This is not a new belief, it's one I've held for many years, and which has been enforced by many different situations and people throughout my life. Recently I had decided to just ignor this thought and get on with life, bad person or not, the last 2 weeks have made this a very difficult challenge. My brain is being twisted in different directions and new thoughts are starting to creep in. A bad person, I'm a bad person, but I don't want to be, so what should I do?

Oh I know I know (OCD, is jumping up and down waving a hand eagerly like that know-it-all at school) I should give in and try and always do the right thing, and I do this by pleasing all the people all of the time no matter the personal sacrifice. It's a great plan, can't see how that's gonna screw me over and make things worse, can you?????????? Damn my brain.

So what to do? I'm finally at a place in my life where I feel like a real adult able to make real decisions about what I want, and realising I don't have to please other people. I'm finally figuring out that I don't have to have that child's mentality of seeking approval and respecting those who couldn't care less about me. And the Wham (the mental sound affect, not the band), I'm right back at the beginning, making sure everyone's happy, even when they hurt me or upset me or disappoint. Bending over backward to make sure no one feels left out or unhappy. Why am I doing this? I'm doing it to change my karma, because the bad luck fairy is kicking my arse and I need a way to kill her!!!!!!!

Logically I know this will not end well for me, the cracks are already showing. The bad luck fairy has a smug grin on her face waiting for me to fail, and we both know I will. I say something or think something bad and then I'll get my comeuppance. OCD is a nightmare, it's got me in a tight hold, in a battle of good v's Evil, a battle that doesn't even exsist, only in the tiny dark corner of my mind. Yet I see my misfortune everywhere, and I'm slowly losing all the positives. I'm missing so much by focusing on so little.

For now I'm going to just hold on, get through the holidays, and then it's time for change!!! No idea what yet, but it's coming! There maybe casualties  of this war, and sacrifices to be made, but I intend to win this one.

So look out OCD, youve got 3 weeks to vacate the premises and then I'm coming in, all guns blazing.