Yay, my blog remembered who I am this week and so no major dramas entering the campsite for me :)
Well my happy campers, how are we all? I hope I find you in good health (mentally and physically) because I think today's topic is going to get you exercising (even if that is getting up and walking away before reaching the end of my ramblings). Today we are going on a trek through the part of my brain known as 'shoulda known better' land, it's a rough terrain with hills and bumps and a few dark murky pools, but it's worth a trip to gain the experience and maybe learn a few things yourselves.
So tie your laces tightly, grab your backpacks and follow me....................................
This last month or so has been tough, emotionally, mentally and physically. I've thought of giving up a few times, thought of just saying to hell with it all and letting my life implode of it's own free will, but I haven't (well not yet) and at the moment I have found myself on a ledge, it's a comfortable place and I can see a way to climb out of the abyss and that gives me hope. I'm not kidding myself though, I'm still in the there and it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge, but for the mean time, I will keep looking up at the stars and hoping my escape is imminent.
Whilst perched here I've had time to think (tis a blessing and a curse), and I have realised that I have been taught some valuable lessons recently, so I think it's only fair to share them with you, so that you too can maybe get something from my experience.
1) As Dr House says "Things change, doesn't mean they get better". I agree. I often find myself waiting for things to change, for something to happen, but what if it did? would I be happy? Just because things change doesn't mean they are going to get any easier or make me any better, in fact (to be a complete pessimist), in my experience, when things change it usually makes my life more difficult or more of a challenge. There are of course exceptions to this rule, like the birth of my son, but in general, change does not equal good, just different. Maybe what needs to change is me.
2) Only ask a question if you already know the answer or don't care what the answer is. Might sound stupid, but I'm beginning to think this is a mighty important rule! Sometimes when we ask a question it's for reassurance (which if you have ocd, will be the reason for most of your questions, and reassurance is a no no!!!!!!!) You ask a question, not because you want to hear the truth, but because you want the other person to reassure you, to make you feel better, to make everything alright, but what if the answer doesn't? What if the other person doesn't care or understand what you need or misinterprets the question? What if the answer you get pushes you further into the abyss, or worse still, what if there is no answer? Maybe before asking questions, you should first ask yourself 'why am I asking?' It might save you some trouble. If you already know the answer, then you are asking for reassurance that you don't need, If you don't know the answer then you probably don't want to know it and therefore asking just seems dumb! Save yourself the trouble and heart ache, don't ask a question to which you don't want the truth!
3) If you hunt for ghosts you might end up seeing things that aren't there. Have you watched 'Most Haunted'? You're so busy searching for the truth that you start seeing it, only what you're actually seeing is an illusion, your brain playing tricks, trying to distract you. Maybe eventually you'll find your ghost, but most of us will only find disappointment that the noise was pipes in the floor board. Remember if you ask "is anybody there" and no one answers, it's probably true that no body's there.
4) What was isn't always what you remember! Rose tinted glasses my friends, rose tinted glasses. Sometimes when we look back and see that wonderful time we had, it's like looking across a desert and seeing an oasis, it's 99% likely it's a mirage. Do not be fooled.
5) Not every mistake is a bad one. See and you thought these were all going to be negative!! It's true, you might look back and think 'Damn, what the hell was I doing' but you know sometimes you can follow that up with 'Ok won't do that again, but it sure was fun'. But it also works the other way around, just because it was fun doesn't mean it wasn't a mistake. Don't do it again!
6) You can't always have what you want. Sometimes the trick is to want what you have! I have spent so long looking for change (see point 1) and worrying about all the problems and second guessing the future, I'd forgotten about what I already have. More fool me then. Sometimes you need to take a step back and look at what you already have, what you've already achieved. You'll be quite surprised, I know I was.
7) Self harming isn't always physical and isn't always exclusive. Sometimes when we want to self destruct we find it hard to do it alone, it's much easier to take people down with us, in case we get lonely on the way down! But it still leaves scars, you might not be able to see them, but they are there, and they usually stay.
8) You can have your cake and eat it, but it will make you fat and a bit sick!! It's true, you really can have it all, but you need to ask yourself 'do you want it all? is it worth it?' the answer is probably 'no'. Most of the time having enough is better than having it all.
9) If it looks like a horse, smells like a horse and sounds like a horse, it's probably a Zebra. Just a thought, sometimes it really does turn out to be unexpected, so don't judge just because you think you know something or heard something. It's hard enough trying to cope with life, harder still when you throw in mental illness. Yes sometimes I make mistakes, sometimes I get it wrong, and trust me on those occasions I am quite capable of beating myself up (over and over and over and over..................), but hey, we're all human and we all make mistakes, sometimes I am a Zebra!
10) Sometimes you need to let go in order to hold on. OK, this one is easy. Imagine you are dangling from a rope under a rescue helicopter but your holding all your luggage and it's to heavy for them to pull you in, are you really gonna keep a hold of that stuff or are you going to ditch it all and get into the chopper? Same is true for life. Yes I can hold on to it all, but how can I move on? So maybe, just sometimes, it's OK to let go. And yes it's painful, and hurtful, and sometimes you have to let go of things that can mean the world to you. Sometimes you have to let go and you wonder how you will keep breathing, but you do. It hurts like hell and you're allowed to grieve, but sometimes you have to let go.
11) Friends are like stars; mysterious, beautiful and always there. I am so lucky to be blessed with wonderful friends, one in particular who has quite literally saved my life. I live my life in turmoil, in deep trenches of mental illness and yet when I look up I'm lucky enough to be surrounded with support and love. I feel guilt for what I put them through, for the hours, days, years, of having to put up with me, having to pick me up, dust me off and get me going again. I can't imagine my life without them. My friends, you are my stars, my reason to look up, and for that one special friend, you are my North Star, guiding me home when I am lost, you are the most precious of them all and I am eternally grateful to have you in my life and call you 'Friend'.
so on that note we return to camp, to the comfort of our tents and security of our campfire having survived another hike around the wilderness that I call 'brain'
Happy camping x x x
Tuesday 23 April 2013
Sunday 14 April 2013
Camp has re opened horray
Did you miss me????
Firstly I'd like to start with an apology, camp has been closed due to inclement (emotional) weather, and more recently (the last 20 minutes) because I couldn't remember my sodding password!!!!!
Anyway, the snow has melted, metaphorically and physically speaking, and spring is trying it's best to spring :) So it must be time for me to get myself in to gear, get the fires burning, the tents pitched and the marshmallows on sticks ready for my wonderful campers. Here goes................
As I started with an apology I might as well use it as topic of conversation today, it's been weighing on my mind for a couple of days and I think it's worth having a look at.
When you suffer from a mental health disorder (disorder? syndrome? what's pc?) you spend your time looking into your past, constantly dredging up the dead, or is that just me? well if it is just me then so be it. I have been told on numerous occasions that I need to start looking forward rather than backwards and I agree, but easier said then done. For those of you with out a rear view life mirror, it's incredibly hard not to be tempted to look back. Just 'going to take a quick glimpse' turns into a full on staring competition with your past, mean while you're not paying attention to what's ahead, veer off the road of life straight into a pile of dung. You might be alive but it's not pretty. So surely it's best to keep your eye on the road and your butt out off trouble. My OCD couldn't agree less, why look forward when there is much fun to be had looking back and torturing me with memories of guilt and hurt? And it's not just my guilt and hurt, it's guilt and hurt I've caused in others!
In some groups, such as addiction groups, or help groups, one of their steps is to apologise to those you've wronged, or hurt and I feel sometimes this might be a helpful step in moving forward mentally when my brain is continuously stuck in reverse (wow I need to let up on the motoring metaphors). But will it help?
There are those people who may have minor injuries due to my unintentional words or actions, people who may have been annoyed for 30 seconds and now can't even remember the incident, well I can, so I apologise.
Then there are those who have injuries that might require some kind of treatment, I hope I noticed that at the time and made sure that you were suitably treated, if not, I apologise and hope that we can sort it out, I'd hope that you would tell me and that I could help in some way, or at least give you my reasons for causing pain, because I'm almost sure I would never have done it on purpose (although there are a few cases and those people know who they are and this apology is not meant for them!!!!!).
And then there are those, who in my mind, probably needed major incident care, maybe an emotional equivalent of A&E, those who, even without intending, I hurt or damaged or derailed, and for those there can be no apology, because saying sorry will never be enough. For even though I had no intention of causing great hurt or destruction, I inevitable did, causing chaos and unnecessary anguish. Thinking I could ever have that affect on another's life, leaves me breathless with remorse for my actions. And although the waters may have calmed and the storm may be over, I can still see the scars of my actions, the consequences of what I have done. I may not be the only one to blame, but I'm the only one that can own up to my own feelings about it and know that there is no apology big enough.
And then there are my family, who I think may be in need of long stay intensive care, having to put up with the actions and words of a crazed woman who can never do anything right. Again for them there can be no apology big enough to cover the wide scope of actions and reactions I have set into motion, for those already done and for those I will do in the future, for them I can only hope that they are stronger than me and can hold on to the edges of my sanity, pulling me back. That is their job, one that I regret and that I will always feel guilt over.
Having OCD isn't easy for anyone, least those who suffer the consequences of it. I fear I will forever be looking over my shoulder and looking back, dredging old rivers of emotion, sometimes finding treasure but mostly finding old boots.
Did it make me feel better apologising? No, but maybe it made you feel better, and maybe that's the point. I can't change the past but maybe I can change all of our futures, and if an apology helps then please consider this your apology.
Anyway, about that snow.................................................................................................................
Happy Camping my wonderful people and I will see you all soon x
Firstly I'd like to start with an apology, camp has been closed due to inclement (emotional) weather, and more recently (the last 20 minutes) because I couldn't remember my sodding password!!!!!
Anyway, the snow has melted, metaphorically and physically speaking, and spring is trying it's best to spring :) So it must be time for me to get myself in to gear, get the fires burning, the tents pitched and the marshmallows on sticks ready for my wonderful campers. Here goes................
As I started with an apology I might as well use it as topic of conversation today, it's been weighing on my mind for a couple of days and I think it's worth having a look at.
When you suffer from a mental health disorder (disorder? syndrome? what's pc?) you spend your time looking into your past, constantly dredging up the dead, or is that just me? well if it is just me then so be it. I have been told on numerous occasions that I need to start looking forward rather than backwards and I agree, but easier said then done. For those of you with out a rear view life mirror, it's incredibly hard not to be tempted to look back. Just 'going to take a quick glimpse' turns into a full on staring competition with your past, mean while you're not paying attention to what's ahead, veer off the road of life straight into a pile of dung. You might be alive but it's not pretty. So surely it's best to keep your eye on the road and your butt out off trouble. My OCD couldn't agree less, why look forward when there is much fun to be had looking back and torturing me with memories of guilt and hurt? And it's not just my guilt and hurt, it's guilt and hurt I've caused in others!
In some groups, such as addiction groups, or help groups, one of their steps is to apologise to those you've wronged, or hurt and I feel sometimes this might be a helpful step in moving forward mentally when my brain is continuously stuck in reverse (wow I need to let up on the motoring metaphors). But will it help?
There are those people who may have minor injuries due to my unintentional words or actions, people who may have been annoyed for 30 seconds and now can't even remember the incident, well I can, so I apologise.
Then there are those who have injuries that might require some kind of treatment, I hope I noticed that at the time and made sure that you were suitably treated, if not, I apologise and hope that we can sort it out, I'd hope that you would tell me and that I could help in some way, or at least give you my reasons for causing pain, because I'm almost sure I would never have done it on purpose (although there are a few cases and those people know who they are and this apology is not meant for them!!!!!).
And then there are those, who in my mind, probably needed major incident care, maybe an emotional equivalent of A&E, those who, even without intending, I hurt or damaged or derailed, and for those there can be no apology, because saying sorry will never be enough. For even though I had no intention of causing great hurt or destruction, I inevitable did, causing chaos and unnecessary anguish. Thinking I could ever have that affect on another's life, leaves me breathless with remorse for my actions. And although the waters may have calmed and the storm may be over, I can still see the scars of my actions, the consequences of what I have done. I may not be the only one to blame, but I'm the only one that can own up to my own feelings about it and know that there is no apology big enough.
And then there are my family, who I think may be in need of long stay intensive care, having to put up with the actions and words of a crazed woman who can never do anything right. Again for them there can be no apology big enough to cover the wide scope of actions and reactions I have set into motion, for those already done and for those I will do in the future, for them I can only hope that they are stronger than me and can hold on to the edges of my sanity, pulling me back. That is their job, one that I regret and that I will always feel guilt over.
Having OCD isn't easy for anyone, least those who suffer the consequences of it. I fear I will forever be looking over my shoulder and looking back, dredging old rivers of emotion, sometimes finding treasure but mostly finding old boots.
Did it make me feel better apologising? No, but maybe it made you feel better, and maybe that's the point. I can't change the past but maybe I can change all of our futures, and if an apology helps then please consider this your apology.
Anyway, about that snow.................................................................................................................
Happy Camping my wonderful people and I will see you all soon x
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