New year

Well the campfire is burning, the bubbly is on ice and we're all about to party and by all I include the OCD! Ooohhhh the last blog of the year!!!

Sane me is looking forward to the new year, new year new start, but the ocd is looking at the year gone past and wondering if it can top it! A lot has happened in 2012, good and bad, and as much as I'd like to look back and see all the wonderful events, like my baby's first birthday or celebrating his christening with special family and friends, or spending time with loved ones, my ocd would like to spend the time contemplating where I've gone wrong, where the year went wrong, and what a terrible job I do. On top of that it would like to point out how next year will be full of the same. So is there any point celebrating the new year?

Celebrating new year means acknowledging the fact that another year has passed, that time is steadily marching forward whether I keep up or not. I read other peoples statuses on Facebook, all happy, glad of the year they've had and looking forward to a better one ahead and I'd like to join in (and I probably will, with a status thats well rehearsed and untruthfully cheerful), but I can't help thinking 'what will go wrong this year? What will screw up 2013?). It's not the best way to start a year, it's not the positive outlook I was hoping for, but the OCD has got the better of me!!

I have so many dreams for the coming year, but I feel that by even just wanting them I've already jinxed it. So I'm trying not to plan ahead, live day by day, but I can't help it, I can't help feeling a tiny bit optimistic (and even a little exited) that maybe 2013 will be a good year and that I will get some of the things I hope for (if not all). But again the OCD is nagging, 'all you'll get woman is what you deserve: nothing!!!! Would bother even thinking about it coz you won't get it, in fact there will be cruel and unusual things that not only stop you getting what you want, but make it even worse!!' Well thanks OCD, and a Bloody Happy New Year to You Too!!

It's not that I'm determined not to enjoy next year, I'm just worried that it will repeat some of the unnecessary harshness of this year, and I'm not sure how much more I can take.
So here are my aims for next year:
Spend every spare moment enjoying my time with my husband and son
Lose weight
Lose OCD (or at least try and get the reins back on it)
Be thankful for what I've got
Start taking my card making much more seriously and get on with it!!!
start looking after myself.

There are a few specific things that I'm wishing for for next year, but I'm not going to list them as they're personal to me and by writing them down I feel like I would jinx them and never get what I want. They're not unrealistic wants but I know that I might not get them, which is ok in one sense, as long as the ocd leaves them alone (which it won't).

But that's it, I'll celebrate the new year, in the hope I will be able to leave the past in this one and start looking forward. And even if my cheery celebrations are a mask hiding my fear of marching time and overwhelming OCD, maybe if I fake it enough I might start to actually mean it

So from my campsite of wild OCD and rambling thoughts, I wish you all a very Happy and Peaceful New Year x x x

The ocd before Christmas

Wishing all those who camp here with me a very merry Christmas. Will be seeing you all in the new year :)

For now I'll just leave you with my night before Christmas, enjoy.

Twas the night before Christmas

When all through my brain

Ocd was stirring

Like a runaway train

the children all tucked up

Safely in bed

Mum up fretting and

Cleaning instead

When out in the hallway

Hubby asked what is the matter

I answered with haste

Can't you see all the clutter

The family are coming

The house isn't done

There's so much to do

I won't be much fun

Riddled with guilt

That the day would go wrong

Ocd whistled

And rejoiced in its song

Come panic, come grief, 

Come guilt, come shame

Come dispair, come obsession

Come, anxiety and self blame

There in my brain

Lay ocd

Laughing and jeering

Not letting me be

With a laugh and a smile

And a wink of an eye

I knew I could wish

My Christmas goodbye

The festive good cheer

Of those all around

In my ocd brain

Could not be found

With a nod of the head

Ocd took flight

shouted Merry Christmas to all

Except you, good night!

Karma not calmer

Evening campers, how are we all. I've been very lapse in posting, so apologies.

I'm obsessed with karma, or in my case bad karma. Obviously I'm a bad person, or so my brain informs me! All things happen for a reason, usually as a response to something you've said or done, cause and effect, so with that in mind (in an addled obsessed crazed mind) it means that everything that has happened has been an effect of something I have done, thus bad karma! Are you still with me?

I'm not the most optimistic person on the planet, but at the moment I feel like the glass is beyond half empty, it's well and truly empty, smashed and wine spilt all over the floor (which I will end up having to clean up myself, no doubt!). Maybe it's the OCD (it's the OCD) and maybe I'm concerntrating so much on the negatives I'm missing the positives, maybe. On the other hand maybe it's just all negative (hello OCD, welcome to the party). Is it still paranoia if they really are all out to get you? The last two weeks have given me the worst luck, and instead of brushing it off and getting on with it I've instead been looking for the trigger, and so far I've come up with this: I'm a bad person and it's all my fault (oh, OCD, I wasn't aware you were hosting the party!!!).

Writing this down I can see how dramatic it all sounds, but I genuinely believe that I must be a bad person? Why would karma punish a good person? This is not a new belief, it's one I've held for many years, and which has been enforced by many different situations and people throughout my life. Recently I had decided to just ignor this thought and get on with life, bad person or not, the last 2 weeks have made this a very difficult challenge. My brain is being twisted in different directions and new thoughts are starting to creep in. A bad person, I'm a bad person, but I don't want to be, so what should I do?

Oh I know I know (OCD, is jumping up and down waving a hand eagerly like that know-it-all at school) I should give in and try and always do the right thing, and I do this by pleasing all the people all of the time no matter the personal sacrifice. It's a great plan, can't see how that's gonna screw me over and make things worse, can you?????????? Damn my brain.

So what to do? I'm finally at a place in my life where I feel like a real adult able to make real decisions about what I want, and realising I don't have to please other people. I'm finally figuring out that I don't have to have that child's mentality of seeking approval and respecting those who couldn't care less about me. And the Wham (the mental sound affect, not the band), I'm right back at the beginning, making sure everyone's happy, even when they hurt me or upset me or disappoint. Bending over backward to make sure no one feels left out or unhappy. Why am I doing this? I'm doing it to change my karma, because the bad luck fairy is kicking my arse and I need a way to kill her!!!!!!!

Logically I know this will not end well for me, the cracks are already showing. The bad luck fairy has a smug grin on her face waiting for me to fail, and we both know I will. I say something or think something bad and then I'll get my comeuppance. OCD is a nightmare, it's got me in a tight hold, in a battle of good v's Evil, a battle that doesn't even exsist, only in the tiny dark corner of my mind. Yet I see my misfortune everywhere, and I'm slowly losing all the positives. I'm missing so much by focusing on so little.

For now I'm going to just hold on, get through the holidays, and then it's time for change!!! No idea what yet, but it's coming! There maybe casualties  of this war, and sacrifices to be made, but I intend to win this one.

So look out OCD, youve got 3 weeks to vacate the premises and then I'm coming in, all guns blazing.

I'm back!!!!

Oops, sorry campers, I went for a hike in the ocd forest and got myself a bit lost, has taken me a couple of weeks but I'm back and ready to start our lovely fireside stories once again. So grab your blankets, snuggle round and I shall begin...........

The ocd forest is very large and very diverse, it's full of wonderfully imaginative ways to keep you trapped, and I'll be first to admit, I'm a little gullible when it comes to my ocd, in fact if my ocd told me that the word gullible had been removed from the dictionary I'd probably go and look. I'm an easy target. It doesn't help that I'm sleep deprived due to a change in sleeping arrangements with our 19 month old son, we've moved him into his own room and he's deciding to check I'm there every couple of hours *sigh*

Lack of sleep means more time to think, which is great, until you realise that everything, every thought can be misinterpreted by ocd. I'm in a slump. I'm talking myself round in circles about nothing in particular, it's ridiculous.

One of my (many) problems is making decisions, or making the right decision. This will blow your mind, what happens to the decision you didn't make? At the moment my mind is obsessed with this. Simple example, I chose pork for lunch today, but what if I'd chosen beef? Would dinner have been earlier? If so does that mean I wouldn't have finished the dinning area? Etc etc etc. but now I'm replaying ever decision I've ever made, trying to figure out the out come to all the other decisions I didn't make. It a very dangerous game.

Ocd is full of what ifs, but my mind is flirting with danger checking out all the ifs. It will be my own sorry fault if my brain explodes!!! It's a ripple effect, you get trapped, well and truly entrenched, because one thought leads to another. All decisions lead to other decisions, so what if you had chosen something else? What would have been the knock on sessions you didn't get to make? If you'd known what the other decisions were would you have made the initial decision? But most of all, when you close one door, where does it go? What happens to that decision? Does it split off into a parallel universe where your alter ego makes the opposite choice and now lives a slightly different (or completely different) version of your life? If so how many other universes are there?

I hope there are alternate realities, because then hopefully in one of them I'm making all the right choices!

My brain is so stuffed with this nonsense about all of my decisions it's difficult to think. Every time I'm making a choice I feel the small burn of anxiety in the pit of my stomach because I know when I make a decision the other choice is lost forever!!!! Just thinking about it is making me tense up.

Well that's it from me tonight. I'm tired and need to get some shut eye before bobo comes and wakes me at some ridiculous hour of the morning that I didn't even know it existed!

Night night and happy camping, and I promise, no more long hikes in the woods ;)

Spooktacular!

Well, it is that time of year when we sit around and try and scare each other witless with tales of terror, yes it's Halloween, so sit tight, grab a pillow while I terrorise you with my own tales of horror mwah ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa.

After the (understandable) cancellation of a Halloween party, I decided rather than wallow in my own ocd misery and paranoia I would in fact organise a Halloween play date for bobo's friends! It seemed like a good idea, but in my enthusiasm to throw a wonderful Halloween tea party I completely forgot that my ocd and my house were against me. So what started as an ok week has slowly turned into an ocd hell, where I have been left trying to do it all last minute. Now don't get me wrong, I love hosting little tea parties, and having fun. But when you have a teething 18 month old and ocd it's a challenge. It's meant a late night tonight, and an early wake up call in the morning to get it all done, and I also have the added extra of making a pumpkin soup with the left overs from my jack o'lantern (which I might add looks pretty fine). It's all a screaming mess, well actually it's fine, I'm a screaming mess!

I have a list, in fact I have several lists, but right now while I'm writing this I have a list swimming around my head of things that need doing, but it's getting so bad I've already cleaned out the fridge, twice!! Problem is, the more I try to organise the less I get done, so now I have to get up early, panic and stress, do all the things that don't need doing, forget the stuff that does need doing, get myself in a tizz and then pretend I'm sane and relaxed when guests arrive! Easy lol

This week hasn't been to bad, I've had some very enjoy times, meeting up with friends and having fun with bobo, but even this has presented problems, case in point, the missing purse.

I arranged to meet up with a friend and her son for a play date at a local soft play center, I hate being late, sets my ocd off something rotten. So I leave in plenty of time and get there ridiculously early. We sit in the car waiting til it's time and then start getting ready to go in, check I've got my stuff: change bag? Check, keys? Check, purse? Che..... Hang on, I know it's in my bag somewhere, must have moved it to the other side, nope, maybe inside, nope. Well I must have moved it somewhere! And that's when the pit of my stomach dropped to a level so low I didn't even know it exsist ed, I did move my purse, it's in my other bag!!!!!! Omg, I don't have time to go home but I need my purse so I have to go home, but that will make me late, that will make me look like a horrible person who doesn't care about other people. Maybe I should just cancel!!! I just want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. How could I be that stupid?? I'm so stupid, so dumb its surprising anyone wants to be friends with me, I waste other people's time, how rude of me, I'm do inconsiderate, people shouldn't have to put up with the likes of me!!!!

So I finally make it, 10 minutes late, I didn't cancel, I refused too, for the sake of my son. And do you know what? We had a great time there. But later when I got home my brain just couldn't leave it alone!! So now before I leave the house I have another list bouncing around in my brain, a list of the things I need to take with me to stop me being s bad person
Another list, another weapon for the ocd. Take aim and fire. Direct hit. List list list list list list list, and when I finish writing this ill be writing a list of what needs doing when I get up, as if the unfinished list from today isn't enough, I need a list of lists just so I know what's going on!!

I'm drowning in lists, glug glug

Are you scared yet? Happy Halloween my dear campers x x x

Chocolate fuelled insanity.

Well its time for the weekly camp side chat. So gather round people.

What a week!! From tantrums to long drives to Sutton. My ocd has had a free trip on the rollercoaster of life, and now it's snacking on my paranoia :(

Now if your one of my friends that have recently cancelled I don't want you to take this personally, remember, the views held by my ocd brain are not those held by the rest of the establishment!! This is not your problem but mine.

Every time someone cancels on me (for good reason, I might add) I begin to slide down the ocd road of thought, it goes something like this:

Person cancels - I think 'that's a shame' - ocd perks up and says 'wonder why they are really cancelling?' - I answer 'because they had to' - ocd says 'maybe its you, they don't want to see you' - 'don't be stupid, why would they do that' - 'because you said something or did something to offend them' - 'did I?' - and now I start replaying every conversation, meeting, text, email etc to find some clue as to how I've offended them, and all the while I know it's not true, but the ocd is persistent. Worse still is when it's a group gathering, 'are you sure it's not just you they've cancelled, everyone else is going, they just don't want you there!!'  stupid ocd!

So I'm feeling a little paranoid, and the ocd is niggling at me, trying to get me to react, and at the same time I have a 18 month old throwing the worlds longest and loudest tantrum at me. So that's it, even my baby hates me, it's because he knows what a terrible mother I am!

I'm determined not to let the ocd get the better of me, instead I feed it chocolate, which works for a while, my ocd is like a petulant child, it's fine while your bribing it. But then I know I'm overweight and now I'm putting on more weight eating all this chocolate ('no wonder people don't want you around fatty' says the horrible ocd). It's fine, I'll just eat more chocolate, and before I know it I'm bingeing!!! It's time to stop, this is a disasterous road to be on, turn around and go back, do not carry on down this path!!!! Stop now, the signs are all there, you know how this ends. READ THE SIGNS!! 1mile to complete binge. 2 miles to guilt ridden purging. 3 miles to utter dispair at state your in. Final destination, self harm! NO!! We've come to far to start on this again. Put down the dairy milk and step away!!!

I wouldn't mind but we are only on Tuesday!

Tuesday turns out to be less then perfect. The clutch goes on the daddymobile and as a consequence I have to sacrifice the mummymobile! But this might be benificial. I can't go to the shops in the car, so no binging, unless I walk to the local shop, but that's unlikely, it's to cold.
Good, time to come up with a plan of action. No more ocd, no bingeing, no looking for the puzzle piece that's missing again (although I do believe from now on we will be buying solid one piece toys gggrrrrr). I'm done, I'm sick of myself!!!

Yeah right, puzzle piece was under the sofa! Guess how I knew that! And the bathroom is bleached to within an inch of its life. My hands are sore from cleaning and I can't get the house tidy enough, but I'm not bingeing, so success right? Maybe not

So it's Friday now, and I'm laying in a bed in a premier inn writing my blog which probably makes no sense, want to know why? Well firstly, it's because I'm using my phone and a terrible Internet connection, secondly it's because I have a thousand thoughts about how the house isn't going to survive my absence!!! I hate it, I wish I could just go away and enjoy myself, but I have to deal with this demon first. Need to stop worrying about all the ifs and buts, and relax. People leave their houses everyday and nothing happens!!! I need to let it go, after all I'm here to see friends and meet a new addition :) I can't wait, and no body has cancelled, and I'm excited. If only my brain would let go and enjoy!!!

Well that's it, the embers are dying and the campsite is dark. It's time to snuggle in your tents and get some sleep. It's another long ocd trek over the next week. Your going to need all your energy. I'm organising a Halloween, and my ocd is gonna make sure it scares me to death!!!

Good night, happy camping x x x

Aware of Ocd Awareness week

Right, if we are all seated comfortably around the campfire I'll begin.

As this is my first entry I will try and take it slowly, and be interesting(ish). But if i suddenly stray off on a ramble, or speed up, feel free to comment :)

This week has been OCD awareness week, held by OCDUK, a charity I can not give enough praise too. they asked if some of us sufferes would keep a diary as our facebook statues for the week, and of course, as an avid supporter of such a worthy cause I accepted their challenge. What I wasn't expecting was to become so aware of my own OCD! I thought I'd been doing particularly well, but you have to admit you have a problem when you convince yourself a wooden puffer fish will cure you (it's a long story, but my son lost a piece of a puzzle and I couldn't control my brain til it was found, which lead to a long and thorough search of the house and the finding of a previous toy that I had also become obsessed about). I had turned the week into a competition, me V's the ocd, and so far the ocd was winning. How was this possible, I'm fine, I don't have a problem, do I? As long as everything is in it's right place, everything goes how I mentally plan it, and the house is secure, oh yes and people stay away from edges of platforms and roads, oh and I'm not late for anything and, and, and, and ........... ok, might have a slight issue.

Things came to a head today in my brain when a random thought almost lead to me screaming at one of bobo's teachers, all because my ocd got the better of me :( Here's what happened:

Even when I leave the house, my brain stays at home. It stays behind to do all the checks that it thinks I might not have done properly, is the door locked? Is the oven off? Are my hair straighteners unplugged? (mentally checking even though I know full well I've not had time to use my hair straighteners in over a week!!). Did I drive to the class ok? Did I run anyone over? Finally my brain has made it to my location and it's starting to catch up. Then I realise someone has been talking to me, and I've been answering, but I've not really been paying attention. OMG, they must think I'm terrible, that I don't care. If they think I'm like this, what do they think I'm like with bobo (our 18 month old son)? Do they think I neglect him, don't pay him the attention he deserves? So now I'm over compensating, giving bobo all my attention, verging on spoiling him, and as I glance up I can see the teacher looking my way and suddenly I'm riddled with guilt, and shame and anger, and I'm on the verge of yelling 'Don't look at me like that, I don't neglect him, I love him. How could you even think I'd neglect him????' And there it is, it wasn't her that thought it at all, it was me, or rather that hideous monster, OCD, which is sitting smuggly in my brain saying "gotcha". I'd like to say this is a one off occurrence, but it's not, it's my life!

so there you have it, it's been a very OCD aware week, giving me plenty of things to think about (or maybe obsess about). I'll leave it at that, demands of motherhood and ocd are dragging me away from the warm glow of the campfire, plus I think any more and I might scare you good campers away.

so good night for now, and remember, it's not about switching lights, worrying about contamination or having to have things just so. OCD is a real illness, with real consequences, so if you get a chance to pass on the message, please do, or check out OCDUK for more information.

Happy camping :)

Welcome campers :)

Hello, and welcome to ocd camp, a place where my mind is free to wonder through obsessive compulsive disorder, and maybe take a few people with me, to inform, challenge, and maybe amuse just a little.
Let me introduce myself, I'll be your camp leader, I have over 15 years experience with ocd, living with it on a daily basis. It has seen me in some really dark places, but has also shown me the humourous side of a mental illness too. It can be very challenging and deceptive, it can turn your whole life upside down in a flash.
Many trivialise it as a quirk or just someone being fussy, so I'm here to guide you through and show you just what a mental illness can do to a person

So grab your mental rucksack, pitch your virtual tents and come sit around the campfire of insanity.
I'll be around at least once a week (probably on a friday night, such is my thrilling social life) to make sure your kept updated with all the need to know ocd events of my life and to answer any questions you may have.

Happy camping :)