Karma not calmer

Evening campers, how are we all. I've been very lapse in posting, so apologies.

I'm obsessed with karma, or in my case bad karma. Obviously I'm a bad person, or so my brain informs me! All things happen for a reason, usually as a response to something you've said or done, cause and effect, so with that in mind (in an addled obsessed crazed mind) it means that everything that has happened has been an effect of something I have done, thus bad karma! Are you still with me?

I'm not the most optimistic person on the planet, but at the moment I feel like the glass is beyond half empty, it's well and truly empty, smashed and wine spilt all over the floor (which I will end up having to clean up myself, no doubt!). Maybe it's the OCD (it's the OCD) and maybe I'm concerntrating so much on the negatives I'm missing the positives, maybe. On the other hand maybe it's just all negative (hello OCD, welcome to the party). Is it still paranoia if they really are all out to get you? The last two weeks have given me the worst luck, and instead of brushing it off and getting on with it I've instead been looking for the trigger, and so far I've come up with this: I'm a bad person and it's all my fault (oh, OCD, I wasn't aware you were hosting the party!!!).

Writing this down I can see how dramatic it all sounds, but I genuinely believe that I must be a bad person? Why would karma punish a good person? This is not a new belief, it's one I've held for many years, and which has been enforced by many different situations and people throughout my life. Recently I had decided to just ignor this thought and get on with life, bad person or not, the last 2 weeks have made this a very difficult challenge. My brain is being twisted in different directions and new thoughts are starting to creep in. A bad person, I'm a bad person, but I don't want to be, so what should I do?

Oh I know I know (OCD, is jumping up and down waving a hand eagerly like that know-it-all at school) I should give in and try and always do the right thing, and I do this by pleasing all the people all of the time no matter the personal sacrifice. It's a great plan, can't see how that's gonna screw me over and make things worse, can you?????????? Damn my brain.

So what to do? I'm finally at a place in my life where I feel like a real adult able to make real decisions about what I want, and realising I don't have to please other people. I'm finally figuring out that I don't have to have that child's mentality of seeking approval and respecting those who couldn't care less about me. And the Wham (the mental sound affect, not the band), I'm right back at the beginning, making sure everyone's happy, even when they hurt me or upset me or disappoint. Bending over backward to make sure no one feels left out or unhappy. Why am I doing this? I'm doing it to change my karma, because the bad luck fairy is kicking my arse and I need a way to kill her!!!!!!!

Logically I know this will not end well for me, the cracks are already showing. The bad luck fairy has a smug grin on her face waiting for me to fail, and we both know I will. I say something or think something bad and then I'll get my comeuppance. OCD is a nightmare, it's got me in a tight hold, in a battle of good v's Evil, a battle that doesn't even exsist, only in the tiny dark corner of my mind. Yet I see my misfortune everywhere, and I'm slowly losing all the positives. I'm missing so much by focusing on so little.

For now I'm going to just hold on, get through the holidays, and then it's time for change!!! No idea what yet, but it's coming! There maybe casualties  of this war, and sacrifices to be made, but I intend to win this one.

So look out OCD, youve got 3 weeks to vacate the premises and then I'm coming in, all guns blazing.