Aware of Ocd Awareness week

Right, if we are all seated comfortably around the campfire I'll begin.

As this is my first entry I will try and take it slowly, and be interesting(ish). But if i suddenly stray off on a ramble, or speed up, feel free to comment :)

This week has been OCD awareness week, held by OCDUK, a charity I can not give enough praise too. they asked if some of us sufferes would keep a diary as our facebook statues for the week, and of course, as an avid supporter of such a worthy cause I accepted their challenge. What I wasn't expecting was to become so aware of my own OCD! I thought I'd been doing particularly well, but you have to admit you have a problem when you convince yourself a wooden puffer fish will cure you (it's a long story, but my son lost a piece of a puzzle and I couldn't control my brain til it was found, which lead to a long and thorough search of the house and the finding of a previous toy that I had also become obsessed about). I had turned the week into a competition, me V's the ocd, and so far the ocd was winning. How was this possible, I'm fine, I don't have a problem, do I? As long as everything is in it's right place, everything goes how I mentally plan it, and the house is secure, oh yes and people stay away from edges of platforms and roads, oh and I'm not late for anything and, and, and, and ........... ok, might have a slight issue.

Things came to a head today in my brain when a random thought almost lead to me screaming at one of bobo's teachers, all because my ocd got the better of me :( Here's what happened:

Even when I leave the house, my brain stays at home. It stays behind to do all the checks that it thinks I might not have done properly, is the door locked? Is the oven off? Are my hair straighteners unplugged? (mentally checking even though I know full well I've not had time to use my hair straighteners in over a week!!). Did I drive to the class ok? Did I run anyone over? Finally my brain has made it to my location and it's starting to catch up. Then I realise someone has been talking to me, and I've been answering, but I've not really been paying attention. OMG, they must think I'm terrible, that I don't care. If they think I'm like this, what do they think I'm like with bobo (our 18 month old son)? Do they think I neglect him, don't pay him the attention he deserves? So now I'm over compensating, giving bobo all my attention, verging on spoiling him, and as I glance up I can see the teacher looking my way and suddenly I'm riddled with guilt, and shame and anger, and I'm on the verge of yelling 'Don't look at me like that, I don't neglect him, I love him. How could you even think I'd neglect him????' And there it is, it wasn't her that thought it at all, it was me, or rather that hideous monster, OCD, which is sitting smuggly in my brain saying "gotcha". I'd like to say this is a one off occurrence, but it's not, it's my life!

so there you have it, it's been a very OCD aware week, giving me plenty of things to think about (or maybe obsess about). I'll leave it at that, demands of motherhood and ocd are dragging me away from the warm glow of the campfire, plus I think any more and I might scare you good campers away.

so good night for now, and remember, it's not about switching lights, worrying about contamination or having to have things just so. OCD is a real illness, with real consequences, so if you get a chance to pass on the message, please do, or check out OCDUK for more information.

Happy camping :)