Chocolate fuelled insanity.

Well its time for the weekly camp side chat. So gather round people.

What a week!! From tantrums to long drives to Sutton. My ocd has had a free trip on the rollercoaster of life, and now it's snacking on my paranoia :(

Now if your one of my friends that have recently cancelled I don't want you to take this personally, remember, the views held by my ocd brain are not those held by the rest of the establishment!! This is not your problem but mine.

Every time someone cancels on me (for good reason, I might add) I begin to slide down the ocd road of thought, it goes something like this:

Person cancels - I think 'that's a shame' - ocd perks up and says 'wonder why they are really cancelling?' - I answer 'because they had to' - ocd says 'maybe its you, they don't want to see you' - 'don't be stupid, why would they do that' - 'because you said something or did something to offend them' - 'did I?' - and now I start replaying every conversation, meeting, text, email etc to find some clue as to how I've offended them, and all the while I know it's not true, but the ocd is persistent. Worse still is when it's a group gathering, 'are you sure it's not just you they've cancelled, everyone else is going, they just don't want you there!!'  stupid ocd!

So I'm feeling a little paranoid, and the ocd is niggling at me, trying to get me to react, and at the same time I have a 18 month old throwing the worlds longest and loudest tantrum at me. So that's it, even my baby hates me, it's because he knows what a terrible mother I am!

I'm determined not to let the ocd get the better of me, instead I feed it chocolate, which works for a while, my ocd is like a petulant child, it's fine while your bribing it. But then I know I'm overweight and now I'm putting on more weight eating all this chocolate ('no wonder people don't want you around fatty' says the horrible ocd). It's fine, I'll just eat more chocolate, and before I know it I'm bingeing!!! It's time to stop, this is a disasterous road to be on, turn around and go back, do not carry on down this path!!!! Stop now, the signs are all there, you know how this ends. READ THE SIGNS!! 1mile to complete binge. 2 miles to guilt ridden purging. 3 miles to utter dispair at state your in. Final destination, self harm! NO!! We've come to far to start on this again. Put down the dairy milk and step away!!!

I wouldn't mind but we are only on Tuesday!

Tuesday turns out to be less then perfect. The clutch goes on the daddymobile and as a consequence I have to sacrifice the mummymobile! But this might be benificial. I can't go to the shops in the car, so no binging, unless I walk to the local shop, but that's unlikely, it's to cold.
Good, time to come up with a plan of action. No more ocd, no bingeing, no looking for the puzzle piece that's missing again (although I do believe from now on we will be buying solid one piece toys gggrrrrr). I'm done, I'm sick of myself!!!

Yeah right, puzzle piece was under the sofa! Guess how I knew that! And the bathroom is bleached to within an inch of its life. My hands are sore from cleaning and I can't get the house tidy enough, but I'm not bingeing, so success right? Maybe not

So it's Friday now, and I'm laying in a bed in a premier inn writing my blog which probably makes no sense, want to know why? Well firstly, it's because I'm using my phone and a terrible Internet connection, secondly it's because I have a thousand thoughts about how the house isn't going to survive my absence!!! I hate it, I wish I could just go away and enjoy myself, but I have to deal with this demon first. Need to stop worrying about all the ifs and buts, and relax. People leave their houses everyday and nothing happens!!! I need to let it go, after all I'm here to see friends and meet a new addition :) I can't wait, and no body has cancelled, and I'm excited. If only my brain would let go and enjoy!!!

Well that's it, the embers are dying and the campsite is dark. It's time to snuggle in your tents and get some sleep. It's another long ocd trek over the next week. Your going to need all your energy. I'm organising a Halloween, and my ocd is gonna make sure it scares me to death!!!

Good night, happy camping x x x