OCD Awareness Week

Just imagine being told everyday that you are worthless, stupid, incompetent.

Just imagine being screamed at every day

Just imagine being called ugly and fat.

Just imagine being tortured with images of harm you could do to others

Just imagine being told everyday that those you love are going to leave you

Just imagine being starved

Just imagine being imprisoned in your own house

Can you imagine it?

Now imagine the person doing this to you is you!!!

OCD is not a quirk, it's a serious and sometimes fatal illness. It's time this condition was taken seriously!

Please support #ocdawarenessweek and ocduk.org and help those who suffer or care for a sufferer by raising awareness and understanding. It's hard to live with ocd, it's hard to live with someone with ocd. It's easy to turn a blind eye or make a joke!!

I'm a long time sufferer of OCD. When I was originally diagnosed I didn't have a clue what it meant or where to turn. Then I discovered a little charity www.ocduk.org and they literally changed my life. The support and help I have revived has been amazing. 

I wish there was more I could do to support them, to show my appriciation of all their support, but for now this is my contribution. Trying to raise awareness. Trying to get others to see just how bad this illness can be. To try to get some understanding for those who suffer. 

I'm not out of the woods yet, but with help and support I'm at least on the path. Occasionally I still lose my way, sometimes I stumble far from the path, but on those days I know I'm surrounded by support and guidance, I know deep down I will make it back eventually. 

I wish I didn't feel like this, I wish I could think slowly and logically rather than the million voices spinning around my head, but for now I'll just settle for knowing there is help. But for some, that knowledge isn't there, for some, they are still stubbing aimlessly through the dark woods. And that is why OCD Awareness Week is so important!

Please, if nothing else, share this blog and shine a little ocd knowledge around the world

Thank you x

Starlight, star bright.

I've had a bit of alone time recently, and contrary to popular belief, I've actually quite enjoyed it, but it has given me time to think!!

I've used my time very unwisely, instead of doing the million things I needed to do, I did the one thing that any self respecting girl on her own would do- I curled up on the sofa with a drink, some ice cream and a couple of DVDs, ahhhh heaven. With toddler asleep and husband away, what else is a girl to do? I indulged in an old love, Sex and the City!! It's been a while.
Now you think you know where this is going, and maybe you're all not dirty minded so you might be right. While the film focuses mainly on sex and love, there is always the subtext 'Friendship', and it has got me thinking about my friendships and about what friendship really is.

A while ago I wrote a little bit about how my friends are like stars, my reason to look up when I'm feeling so down, and that hasn't changed. My true friends really are like stars, precious and beautiful and priceless. But like stars, friends come in catagories.

Firstly, there is the Class O star, the rarest and most luminescent of all the stars. The friendship equivalent is a best friend, that 1 in a million person who knows you so well they can read your soul. The person who can tell you the truth even if it hurts, the person who is always there no matter if they think you are wrong or right. This is the person who picks up the pieces when you are broken, carefully puts them back together again with gentleness and kindness and then tells you to get your arse in gear and get over yourself! This is the person who knows all your secrets, but who's lips will forever remain sealed without judgement (well maybe just an incy wincy bit of judgement!!) My best friend really is the brightest star, even when her faith in herself wanes, she still shines bright to guide me. And dare I step out of line, she will go supernova on me!!!! I love her beauty, her intelligence, her humour and her ability to make others feel better. My only wish is that we lived closer, who knew a southerner and a northerner could become such good friends???? Aye aye aye lol

The next class of star is A (I'm not doing this in order of star catagory, rather friend catagory). Class A is 'among the more common naked eye stars' (Wikipedia's words, not mine). Class  A friends are not 'common' in that sense, but they are the easiest to see, my close friends I surround myself with, the ones I can rely on, who I know will be there for me. These friends are special, if the were an M&S (careful to put those to letters the right way round otherwise gives whole different meaning to these friends!!!!) advert, it would say 'these aren't just any friends, these are specially hand picked friends. Vibrant and full of colour'. These are friends who make me laugh, who lend a hand, who tell me stories of their adventures or share their woes. Everyday I am grateful for their existence, as they make everyday that much easier to cope with. Just knowing they are there makes all the difference.

Class B stars are bright but burn quickly. These are friends that are in the past, not forgotten, but who time has separated from us. Friendships that, while great and beneficial at the time, were for some reason unsustainable. Their friendship may have past, but their impact is still visible. For everyone we ever come into contact with leaves a lasting impression, as do we on them!

Then there is the G class, the most famous of these being our sun. The friendship equivalent is that person who thinks the world revolves around them. We all know someone like that, or used to. Maybe they were someone you tolerated, or maybe a 'frenemy'. Sometimes these friends can be useful, you can learn from their mistakes. I often wonder if that friend is me??? I hope not, I hope I'm not that selfish. Yes I can be a bit 'in my own head', but I like to think I'm there for others too! I hope it's just the ocd encouraging those thoughts and not the fact I've turned into a class G pain in the arse!!

And then there are fake stars, you know, shooting stars. Turns out they're not stars after all, just hurtling bits of rock pretending to be stars. Isn't it funny that when we see one we make a wish? 'Oh a shooting star, make a wish', pinning your wish to a fake, to a piece of space debris that is burning up in the atmosphere into nothingness. The fake friend, smiling all the time they are stabbing you in the back. We shall call them Debris friends, because that's what they are, rubbish. It's a shame that we are disillusioned to it, too busy ohhing and ahhing at the prettiness of it till it is too late.

I wonder which star you all think you are?? I know who is who, I know which ones of you shine and bring light into my life. You are my friends, part of my soul, no matter how much influence you think you have on my life, no matter whether you think you're a good friend or not, if I've chosen you to be, and remain, friends, then there must be something rather special about you. Each of you bring something different into my life, each of you are unique. I feel very lucky to have the friends I have. It makes all the difference in the world!!

Even when you can't see them, stars are always there, surrounding us. So twinkle on my beautiful friends.

Are you hearing me correctly?

Well well well, a mid week post. Just shaking it up a little.

Thought I'd take us on a tour of lies and misunderstandings (or misinterpretations), so here we go.........


There are many different types of lie, such as the mean lie: 'I've never like you anyway' or the little white lie 'I didn't eat all the chocolate', or the kind lie 'no, your bum doesn't look big in that' and so on and so on. Everyday we say and hear lies, it's part of human nature. With out lies the world would be a miserable place, I mean imagine if you were told your bum really did look big in that!!! But what if we are not telling the lie, but hearing it instead? What do we really hear? What do we really take from others words? How do we translate the words that tumble from their mouth to our ear?

Some times you hear what you want to because you need to, it makes you feel better, even if logically you know it doesn't make sense.

Some times we let people spin us a line and allow ourselves to believe it because it makes us feel wanted, even special. As if their words can magically make everthing ok, fill that void, the ache, maybe even brighten the darkness!

Some times we read to much in to things, a comment idly made, a song lyric, a touch, a look, a note, a text. Some times it's a positive thing, sometimes you only read negativity. But in either case you can be wrong.

These are the times when you are at a loss, when you feel strangely at sea and you will take what you can get, or beat yourself up for not being good enough. We allow others to influence our lives, change our moods, skew our judgement with the most ambiguous information. turning and twisting it to our own intention. Some times the giver doesn't even realise they've done it, that they have given you this gift/curse, their intentions being quite innocent. Other times they know too well what they have done and watch with eager eyes to see events unfold, for you to react in a bid to make themselves feel better or worse.

Each of us are capable of bringing so much delight or pain into our own lives simply my misinterpreting another, mishearing or just allowing in another's words or thoughts or emotions.

But what happens when someone is honest, when they say/do something that brings such delight as to flip your stomach, or such pain as to have you doubled over? To raise your soul or crush it? What happens when you take that information and accuse them of spinning you a line, of misrepresenting it? When you accuse them of only saying what they think you want to hear? Are we so cynical that we can no longer take anyone at face value?

Some times it's easier to believe its all a lie, to believe they span you line, that you read to much into it, than to admit to the reality of the feelings or emotions it stirred. Easier then having to face up to what you can never have or give.

Some times it's better to pretend that the reality of it all is not real, because, lets face it, everyone lies.......


Don't they?????????????????

The ultimate 'I want' list (revised)

Ok due to a technical hitch, half the blog went hiking off and never came back, so here it is again, this time with the missing bits :)

The ultimate 'I want' list



I want a functioning brain

And a working body

A happy family

And joyful friends

The perfect job 

And the perfect house

Swimming in money

And a holiday or two

I want someone that cleans

And someone that cooks

Someone that drives 

And a fancy car

I want a functioning brain

And a working body

But most importantly 

I WANT IT ALL!



And really, why shouldn't I? Why can't we have our cake and eat it?



I think to a certain point we can have it all, or at least everything we want. It's about finding the perfect balance and knowing what we truly want. What I want is everything, but what I truly want is simple, I want to be happy. And why shouldn't I be? I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful baby, a loving mother and great friends, surely that's enough? But for me it's never enough, as a bond song once said 'The World Is Not Enough', maybe Mr Bond has OCD too!! My problem is that as much as I have the wonderful family, it's not perfect, because I am not perfect. Because I will never be perfect, no matter how hard I try. Because once I reach my target, I'll just move my target 😏 my mum told me the other day that I 'set the bar too high' for myself, but why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I stretch myself to reach that ultimate perfection. You don't tell a pole vaulter that he's set the bar to high, you tell him to jump higher! In fact the Olympic slogan is "Citius, Altius, Fortius" meaning: faster, higher, stronger. And we don't tell athletes they are running to fast or jumping to high, do we? 'Oiiiii Bolt, slow it down, you're pushing yourself to far and to fast' 'Oiiii Wiggins, stop peddling so fast, your setting yourself up to fail'. The only way you can achieve more is to push yourself and challenge yourself. To demand more from yourself, for all intents and purposes, I am an Olympic OCDer! I will set that bar higher, and you never know, one day I might clear it!



So we can have everything that we truly inherently want, but what about the stuff we want, the missed opportunities, the other choices we didn't choose? What do we do with them? 

I hate making a decision because once you choose one thing, you shut the door to the other!!! But what if I want both, both choices at the same time? What would happen if I chose both? Would the world implode? Would the known universe come crashing down around us? In a sense yes. My universe would fracture by the sheer force of choosing and maintaining two things at once. One of your choices will over power the other eventually and leave you in a mess without either of your choices, and that would be sad 😪. Are you following me on this one? Or have you given up hope that I'll ever make sense and made the choice to stop reading?



Ok so here is a simple example: someone offers me either chocolate or vanilla ice cream, but I only have one bowl. Now I can choose the velvety creaminess of the vanilla, or the rich sweetness of the chocolate. But being the fat pig that I am, I order both. To begin with this works fine, a mouthful of yummy vanilla followed by a mouthful of yummy chocolate mmmmm, but as I carry on, the ice creams begin to melt and merge and I can't keep my ice creams in order. All I end up with is a weak  chocolate mess. I no longer have my velvety vanilla as the chocolate has over powered it, but by doing so the richness of the chocolate has been diluted. Now nothing tastes as good!!! 



So I guess the moral is, yes you can have it all, but you'll just end up with a sticky messy milkshake, and no one wants that, do they?

The ultimate 'I want' list

Well my happy campers, after a long summer, the campsite has now reopened and is ready for business 😃 it's been a while, but the tents are pitched, the campfire is roaring and its time to roast some marshmellowy thoughts!!

The ultimate 'I want' list

I want a functioning brain

And a working body

A happy family

And joyful friends

The perfect job 

And the perfect house

Swimming in money

And a holiday or two

I want someone that cleans

And someone that cooks

Someone that drives 

And a fancy car

I want a functioning brain

And a working body

But most importantly 

I WANT IT ALL!

And really, why shouldn't I? Why can't we have our cake and eat it?

So we can have everything that we truly inherently want, but what about the stuff we want, the missed opportunities, the other choices we didn't choose? What do we do with them? 

I hate making a decision because once you choose one thing, you shut the door to the other!!! But what if I want both, both choices at the same time? What would happen if I chose both? Would the world implode? Would the known universe come crashing down around us? In a sense yes. My universe would fracture by the sheer force of choosing and maintaining two things at once. One of your choices will over power the other eventually and leave you in a mess without either of your choices, and that would be sad 😪. Are you following me on this one? Or have you given up hope that I'll ever make sense and made the choice to stop reading?

Ok so here is a simple example: someone offers me either chocolate or vanilla ice cream, but I only have one bowl. Now I can choose the velvety creaminess of the vanilla, or the rich sweetness of the chocolate. But being the fat pig that I am, I order both. To begin with this works fine, a mouthful of yummy vanilla followed by a mouthful of yummy chocolate mmmmm, but as I carry on, the ice creams begin to melt and merge and I can't keep my ice creams in order. All I end up with is a weak  chocolate mess. I no longer have my velvety vanilla as the chocolate has over powered it, but by doing so the richness of the chocolate has been diluted. Now nothing tastes as good!!! 

So I guess the moral is, yes you can have it all, but you'll just end up with a sticky messy milkshake, and no one wants that, do they?

The angry storm

Hey campers, things are about to get mighty stormy, so tether down your tents good and tight and follow me if you dare..........


A majestic arc of power strewn across the darkened sky - this is how I describe lightning

the occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud, accompanied by a bright flash and typically also thunder - this is how the Oxford dictionary describes lightning 

What's my point I hear you cry, well it's this.

Sometimes when you analyse things, take them apart, prod and poke them and see how they work, they lose their magic! The beautiful mystery that surrounds them fades and all you're left with is a bunch of molecules rubbing and causing voltage or some such. 

The same can be said of the past, or of relationships, the more you pick at them, the more mechanical and less beautiful they become, until in the end all you see is the machinery, the ugly mechanics, not the wonderful outcomes or memories that it all holds

But then I question whether I'm too naive? I often wonder do I need to know how it works, or can I just enjoy the beauty of it? Well the lightning is amazing, beautiful, mysterious, awe inspiring, it almost makes you want too stand on a tall hill and try and catch it, try and be part of its power, to join with it, to feels its incredible charge. But knowing exactly how it works tells me that if I did do that I'd be a pile of frazzled ashes, so sometimes knowing the mechanics stops us from doing something incredibly stupid or dangerous, or bad for our health. And yes it might take away some of the mystery, it might not seem as magnificent,  but maybe you can still hold on to some of the beauty while admiring the mechanics? 

What if we ignored the danger, would we definitely becomes crispy bacon? Would you take that chance to experience something amazingly breathtaking? Or would you stay inside, shut yourself away and wait for the storm to pass?

Is it better to ignore it than to watch it from afar, longing to join in and knowing you can't? To pretend it doesn't exist, or to see it just as an 'occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud' and pretend it holds no beauty?

I need my world to hold beauty, to be a world of mystery, to hold such wonders, but reality seems to clash with it somehow. Recent events seem to cloud my view, darken the horizons. Instead of a vista of wonder and light, I feel like I look out on a landscape of overflowing darkness. I want to live in a world where I can sit in harmony like an angel, spreading my wings on a warm morning breeze, yet here I stand like a maleficent creature overlooking all that I have made, the demons that I myself have bore, growing more powerful everyday with thoughts of anger and vengeance. Wanting to rip every star from the sky and darken the universe, to rip galaxies apart to vent my own frustrations and anger. An anger that swells from the very pit of my soul.  

Recent events have put my spirit in to turmoil, from knowing there is still beauty in the world and that we just have to work hard to get through this moment, to wanting to use my powers for evil. I'm so angry at the universe that I physically want to punish it! But I can't, so instead I'll punish myself and those closed to me. If I must feel like I'm in hell, then why not become the devil? At least own it!!!! And maybe it's time that I did. If the universe will cause me so much hurt and anger why not use it to my own advantage? Why not turn this hell into my own playground, with my own rules? Maybe it's time I gave karma a taste of its own medicine. 

Someone told me 'god only gives you as much as he thinks you can handle' well, his plan is about to backfire!!!

I can sit and mope about not being able to play with the lightning or I can be inspired by its magnificent power!!! So I'm making a choice, now it's all about me! 

I thought being this angry at the world would make me weaker, make me small and vulnerable, but it hasn't,  if anything it's done the opposite, it's made me stronger, given me an inner power I never knew existed. It's made me more selfish, but it's what I need. Now it's all about me, what I need to be as a mother, what I need to be as a daughter, but most of all, what I need to be as me. 

I need to be me, and if that means being selfish or detached. Then so be it. I'm putting up my defences, I might not be able to play with the lightning but I'm gonna get damn close to it!!! 

I've always worried what other people think, what they will say. Well no more, now they can worry what I think or say. I'm not going to fight to be in people's lives, if they want to be in mine, let them fight to be, and if they don't then I don't want them in my life!!!!! 

I might no be able to play with lightning but I'm gonna bloody stir up a storm!!!!!!

'When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by

Like New Year's Eve, tonight's underway

But tomorrow you'll wake up afraid of the day

'Cause underneath the scars of your broken dreams

An undone war still wages and stings

You fear the year will blow

Like a breeze through a rainbow

You swear it's there, but you can't grab a hold

So you sit and cry and wonder why, why...

When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by

So many cities and windows and lives

And through each one there's a soul that strives to survive

So pay no mind, my sorrow's fine

The day is a live and that's why I cry

It's a New Year's toast, grab your list to conspire

The last snake hissed as he was thrown in the fire

You've come far, and though you're far from the end

You don't mind where you are, cause you know where you've been' - 

Carbon Leaf 'let your troubles roll by'

Running Scared!

Wow what a couple of weeks it's been and not in a good way, but I've learnt something about myself, so maybe it's not all bad!!

In a fight or flight situation my instinct is to run!! You're never going to catch me ghost hunting or searching for serial killers, I have enough trouble in my life without seeking it out. But what if you run straight in to trouble???? 

Well that's what friends are for!! Some are there to distract you, some are there to comfort you and some are there to keep you on the straight and narrow and kick your arse when necessary.

I feel sorry for my friends. The ones who try and distract me inevitably end up hurt or in trouble or both! The ones who try to comfort me often end up feeling rejected by my coldness or at a loss of how to console someone who seems emotionally void. Then there are those who keep me in check, I feel sorry for them coz it's a bloody hard job when my flight instinct kicks in.

I wish I could find betters ways of dealing with things other than the choices I have given myself, but that's how I am. I believe I have 3 choices; firstly shut down and be practical. In this instant, no matter the pain, you are not allowed to cry or show weakness. You must get on and do what needs doing. Any show of weakness will get you killed or worse, hurt!!! Don't get hurt, that's the main objective to my life now, and weakness leads to hurt!!!!

In fact hurt first, inflict the first damage, put the walls up and push everyone out. Be nasty, be vicious, make others feel bad so that they hate you and leave. That way it's your choice and you can't get hurt. Attack those who you feel the most about first! Hit first and hit hard and what ever you do, DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS 

Second choice: run away. Run and keep running, run for your life. Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man. Only problem with this is I can never outrun myself. I could run forever but I'll always catch up!! I can never out run the pain and hurt, so maybe that's not a great option. Plus I'm a parent now. How can I run, how can I teach Bobo that this is a healthy reaction to life??? 

And anyway where would I run?? Probably straight into option 3....

Option 3: Hit the red button, a world of self destruct and self harm!!! Keep everything held in and then release it in bursts of self annihilation!!! Unfortunately it sometimes involves taking others with me :(  

Self harm is something I've struggled with for years, fortunately I've been able to manage it for the last couple of years although the urge is always there. What people don't realise or understand is that self harm comes in many forms, it's not just about cutting, it's anything that causes harm to the self, like risky behaviour or drinking etc. there are so many ways to self harm of destruct they can quite simply creep up on you and convince you to join in.

This is what I do, this is how I cope when I'm stressed, this is what I put everyone through!!!

So yes, my family and friends have a lot to put up with when I'm stressed, and I can see why I end up labeled 'cold' or 'bitch'. But everyone has coping mechanisms and these are mine.

I'm lucky to have such strong friends, and if I hurt you or call you names, or make you feel like you've done something wrong, trust me, it's not you, it's me. The more I hurt you the more I'm hurting. The more I'm shutting down, the more I'm holding in. The more I'm trying to push you away, the closer I need you.

One day I'll learn a healthy way to cope with life, until then, I'm running scared!