Did you miss me????
Firstly I'd like to start with an apology, camp has been closed due to inclement (emotional) weather, and more recently (the last 20 minutes) because I couldn't remember my sodding password!!!!!
Anyway, the snow has melted, metaphorically and physically speaking, and spring is trying it's best to spring :) So it must be time for me to get myself in to gear, get the fires burning, the tents pitched and the marshmallows on sticks ready for my wonderful campers. Here goes................
As I started with an apology I might as well use it as topic of conversation today, it's been weighing on my mind for a couple of days and I think it's worth having a look at.
When you suffer from a mental health disorder (disorder? syndrome? what's pc?) you spend your time looking into your past, constantly dredging up the dead, or is that just me? well if it is just me then so be it. I have been told on numerous occasions that I need to start looking forward rather than backwards and I agree, but easier said then done. For those of you with out a rear view life mirror, it's incredibly hard not to be tempted to look back. Just 'going to take a quick glimpse' turns into a full on staring competition with your past, mean while you're not paying attention to what's ahead, veer off the road of life straight into a pile of dung. You might be alive but it's not pretty. So surely it's best to keep your eye on the road and your butt out off trouble. My OCD couldn't agree less, why look forward when there is much fun to be had looking back and torturing me with memories of guilt and hurt? And it's not just my guilt and hurt, it's guilt and hurt I've caused in others!
In some groups, such as addiction groups, or help groups, one of their steps is to apologise to those you've wronged, or hurt and I feel sometimes this might be a helpful step in moving forward mentally when my brain is continuously stuck in reverse (wow I need to let up on the motoring metaphors). But will it help?
There are those people who may have minor injuries due to my unintentional words or actions, people who may have been annoyed for 30 seconds and now can't even remember the incident, well I can, so I apologise.
Then there are those who have injuries that might require some kind of treatment, I hope I noticed that at the time and made sure that you were suitably treated, if not, I apologise and hope that we can sort it out, I'd hope that you would tell me and that I could help in some way, or at least give you my reasons for causing pain, because I'm almost sure I would never have done it on purpose (although there are a few cases and those people know who they are and this apology is not meant for them!!!!!).
And then there are those, who in my mind, probably needed major incident care, maybe an emotional equivalent of A&E, those who, even without intending, I hurt or damaged or derailed, and for those there can be no apology, because saying sorry will never be enough. For even though I had no intention of causing great hurt or destruction, I inevitable did, causing chaos and unnecessary anguish. Thinking I could ever have that affect on another's life, leaves me breathless with remorse for my actions. And although the waters may have calmed and the storm may be over, I can still see the scars of my actions, the consequences of what I have done. I may not be the only one to blame, but I'm the only one that can own up to my own feelings about it and know that there is no apology big enough.
And then there are my family, who I think may be in need of long stay intensive care, having to put up with the actions and words of a crazed woman who can never do anything right. Again for them there can be no apology big enough to cover the wide scope of actions and reactions I have set into motion, for those already done and for those I will do in the future, for them I can only hope that they are stronger than me and can hold on to the edges of my sanity, pulling me back. That is their job, one that I regret and that I will always feel guilt over.
Having OCD isn't easy for anyone, least those who suffer the consequences of it. I fear I will forever be looking over my shoulder and looking back, dredging old rivers of emotion, sometimes finding treasure but mostly finding old boots.
Did it make me feel better apologising? No, but maybe it made you feel better, and maybe that's the point. I can't change the past but maybe I can change all of our futures, and if an apology helps then please consider this your apology.
Anyway, about that snow.................................................................................................................
Happy Camping my wonderful people and I will see you all soon x
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