"If I tell you a secret can you keep it?"
That's how my ocd always starts the conversation!!
It's always a secret!
"If you tell anyone it will make it worse, just keep quite and do what I say"
It's a hostage situation, my brain is literally holding me hostage!
The problem really starts when you get an ocd version of Stockholm syndrome, you start to believe you can't live live with out the ocd, that you somehow need it, it's what keeps you/loved ones safe. That it's somehow helping!
How do you stop? How do you break away from something so ingrained into your life, your home, your brain?
The first, biggest and hardest step is recognising what's going on and fighting back. It's hard to break away, to give up something that you consider to be part of you. After all if you stop being ocd who will you be???
And that's the point! We are not OCD, we suffer from it!! But as a sufferer, the ocd can convince you that it's an intrinsic part of who you are. It can turn into quite the vicious cycle.
It takes tremendous hard work, great support and a network of professionals, but it can be done, it can be overcome.
Education is the key, mass education, not only of professionals, but of the general public too.
The more people that understand ocd, understand the consequence of ocd, the less stigmatised it will be.
No longer will ocd be the butt of jokes or a way to describe tidiness or neatness. The term "a little bit ocd" would no longer be acceptable, instead it would be widely accepted that ocd is a serious illness, one that needs to be recognised and treated as swiftly as any other illness.
The only way this can happen is by mass awareness, mass education.
Don't be part of the problem, be part of the solution
Get educated!
#ocduk
#ocdawarenessweek
#ocdawareness
#thatsocd
Tuesday, 14 October 2014
Monday, 13 October 2014
Ocd awareness week!
Imagine the scenario:
Two people
One person constantly beats on the other
Constantly tells the other they're stupid/not worth anything/good for nothing/ pointless/fat/hurtful/neglectful
Constantly gets the other into harmful/high risk situations
Constantly isolates the other
Constantly shouts and screams at the other
Constantly mistreats/neglects the other
One abuser one abused
What advice would you give to the abused?
It's easy right? Tell them to leave, tell them there is help out there, refuges, protection
You wouldn't laugh would you?
You wouldn't make a flippant joke about it would you?
You wouldn't make it the butt of a joke would you?
Now imagine that scenario but it's all one person, the abuser and the abused is one person!
That is OCD
The bully and the bullied
The abuser and the abused
Still ok to make a joke about OCD?
End the stigma #thatsocd #ocdawarenessweek. #ocduk
Two people
One person constantly beats on the other
Constantly tells the other they're stupid/not worth anything/good for nothing/ pointless/fat/hurtful/neglectful
Constantly gets the other into harmful/high risk situations
Constantly isolates the other
Constantly shouts and screams at the other
Constantly mistreats/neglects the other
One abuser one abused
What advice would you give to the abused?
It's easy right? Tell them to leave, tell them there is help out there, refuges, protection
You wouldn't laugh would you?
You wouldn't make a flippant joke about it would you?
You wouldn't make it the butt of a joke would you?
Now imagine that scenario but it's all one person, the abuser and the abused is one person!
That is OCD
The bully and the bullied
The abuser and the abused
Still ok to make a joke about OCD?
End the stigma #thatsocd #ocdawarenessweek. #ocduk
Monday, 20 January 2014
Blog Hopping for Hope
Hope,
I hope it doesn't rain today. I hope Kylie's new album is good, I hope bob smith wins pop factor. I hope my parcel comes. I hope I don't burn the cake. I hope it's not to far. I hope the shop is still open.
Hope: a word that is easily tossed into conversation, an idly wish.
According to Collins dictionary:
Hope,
Definitions
noun
(sometimes plural) a feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfilment ⇒ his hope for peace was justified, their hopes were dashed
a reasonable ground for this feeling ⇒ there is still hope
a person or thing that gives cause for hope
a thing, situation, or event that is desired ⇒ my hope is that prices will fall
See not a hope
verb
(transitive; takes a clause as object or an infinitive) to desire (something) with some possibility of fulfilment ⇒ we hope you can come, I hope to tell you
(intransitive) often foll by for to have a wish (for a future event, situation, etc)
(transitive; takes a clause as object) to trust, expect, or believe ⇒ we hope that this is satisfactory
Synonyms of Hope: Utopia, achievement, ambition, anticipation, aspiration, assumption, belief, bright side, buoyancy, castles in air, concern, confidence, daydream, dependence, desire, endurance, expectancy, expectation, faith, fancy, fool's paradise, fortune, gain, goal, greedy glutton, hopefulness, light at end of tunnel, optimism, pipe dream, promise, promised land, prospect, reliance, reverie, reward, rosiness, sanguineness, security, stock, thing with feathers, wish
My favourite of these synonyms are Belief, Faith, Hopefulness, Security and Wish.
As a sufferer of OCD and as a child of a parent with a mental health disorder, these words often come to mind, not as a idle thought or a whimsical gesture, but as tools, great tools to aid awareness and recovery.
Don't get me wrong, I too use them on a whim, "I wish it would stop raining" "I hope hubby remembers the bread" and so forth, but I also value the real meaning of these words and what they can achieve. I have sat in the darkness, praying and wishing and hoping. I have been to the edge, at times feeling like I may literally tip over the edge, willingly, just to get it over and done with.
I have lost hope and worshipped despair, had self harm and low worth as my idols, prayed for suffering instead of recovery when I believed there was no way out. I have been to the very depths of my ocd, fought against that demon and then willingly surrendered my power to it.
To lose Hope is to lose faith, faith in yourself and your strength. To lose Hope is to lose yourself, and I almost did.
It took a long time to climb back up, to be honest I'm still climbing. I know I have a long way to go, and some days I slip (sometimes willingly, indulgently) back a little way. But I still climb, I use all my weapons to fight against it, and one of those weapons is Hope.
Some of you may already know that I spent a little time locked in a mental health unit. I had given up, couldn't see anyway out of the suffering and so selfishly made the decision to end it all, for myself and those around me. Being admitted to the hospital I couldn't see the point in everyone's concern and time, after all, I was worth nothing! But day by day I began to realise something, people weren't giving up on me, staff and family and friends kept going, kept pushing, because they had faith. They had hope, hope for me, hope I would see the light, faith I would start to fight. And their hope and belief slow became contagious, spreading through me until I could see it too. I started to see that I could grow stronger, that I could fight back. It gave me Hope. So much so, that on my first day home I bought a necklace engraved with the three most important words I knew:
Hope, Strength, Knowledge.
These 3 words have served me well, work as a reminder that there is always hope even if it's not your own, that you can always find strength even if you need to borrow it and that knowledge is important, knowledge of your illness, treatments and support available, but most importantly knowledge of yourself!
Hope is such a little word, sometimes even insignificant, but if you look closely you can see it everywhere, and where you don't see it you can bring it. So if someone you know has list hope please give them some of yours, you never know how much of a difference it can make!
My hope for myself is to eventually get better, my hope for you is that you take something from this and pass on the hope.
This Blog is part of a blog hop, of a greater exploration of the word HOPE in the world of OCD, please go to http://obsessivelycompulsivelyyours.wordpress.com/2014/01/19/the-first-ocd-blog-hop/
And see what my good friend Bellsie and others have to say on the subject of Hope.
I hope it doesn't rain today. I hope Kylie's new album is good, I hope bob smith wins pop factor. I hope my parcel comes. I hope I don't burn the cake. I hope it's not to far. I hope the shop is still open.
Hope: a word that is easily tossed into conversation, an idly wish.
According to Collins dictionary:
Hope,
Definitions
noun
(sometimes plural) a feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfilment ⇒ his hope for peace was justified, their hopes were dashed
a reasonable ground for this feeling ⇒ there is still hope
a person or thing that gives cause for hope
a thing, situation, or event that is desired ⇒ my hope is that prices will fall
See not a hope
verb
(transitive; takes a clause as object or an infinitive) to desire (something) with some possibility of fulfilment ⇒ we hope you can come, I hope to tell you
(intransitive) often foll by for to have a wish (for a future event, situation, etc)
(transitive; takes a clause as object) to trust, expect, or believe ⇒ we hope that this is satisfactory
Synonyms of Hope: Utopia, achievement, ambition, anticipation, aspiration, assumption, belief, bright side, buoyancy, castles in air, concern, confidence, daydream, dependence, desire, endurance, expectancy, expectation, faith, fancy, fool's paradise, fortune, gain, goal, greedy glutton, hopefulness, light at end of tunnel, optimism, pipe dream, promise, promised land, prospect, reliance, reverie, reward, rosiness, sanguineness, security, stock, thing with feathers, wish
My favourite of these synonyms are Belief, Faith, Hopefulness, Security and Wish.
As a sufferer of OCD and as a child of a parent with a mental health disorder, these words often come to mind, not as a idle thought or a whimsical gesture, but as tools, great tools to aid awareness and recovery.
Don't get me wrong, I too use them on a whim, "I wish it would stop raining" "I hope hubby remembers the bread" and so forth, but I also value the real meaning of these words and what they can achieve. I have sat in the darkness, praying and wishing and hoping. I have been to the edge, at times feeling like I may literally tip over the edge, willingly, just to get it over and done with.
I have lost hope and worshipped despair, had self harm and low worth as my idols, prayed for suffering instead of recovery when I believed there was no way out. I have been to the very depths of my ocd, fought against that demon and then willingly surrendered my power to it.
To lose Hope is to lose faith, faith in yourself and your strength. To lose Hope is to lose yourself, and I almost did.
It took a long time to climb back up, to be honest I'm still climbing. I know I have a long way to go, and some days I slip (sometimes willingly, indulgently) back a little way. But I still climb, I use all my weapons to fight against it, and one of those weapons is Hope.
Some of you may already know that I spent a little time locked in a mental health unit. I had given up, couldn't see anyway out of the suffering and so selfishly made the decision to end it all, for myself and those around me. Being admitted to the hospital I couldn't see the point in everyone's concern and time, after all, I was worth nothing! But day by day I began to realise something, people weren't giving up on me, staff and family and friends kept going, kept pushing, because they had faith. They had hope, hope for me, hope I would see the light, faith I would start to fight. And their hope and belief slow became contagious, spreading through me until I could see it too. I started to see that I could grow stronger, that I could fight back. It gave me Hope. So much so, that on my first day home I bought a necklace engraved with the three most important words I knew:
Hope, Strength, Knowledge.
These 3 words have served me well, work as a reminder that there is always hope even if it's not your own, that you can always find strength even if you need to borrow it and that knowledge is important, knowledge of your illness, treatments and support available, but most importantly knowledge of yourself!
Hope is such a little word, sometimes even insignificant, but if you look closely you can see it everywhere, and where you don't see it you can bring it. So if someone you know has list hope please give them some of yours, you never know how much of a difference it can make!
My hope for myself is to eventually get better, my hope for you is that you take something from this and pass on the hope.
This Blog is part of a blog hop, of a greater exploration of the word HOPE in the world of OCD, please go to http://obsessivelycompulsivelyyours.wordpress.com/2014/01/19/the-first-ocd-blog-hop/
And see what my good friend Bellsie and others have to say on the subject of Hope.
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
Happy New Year
Well, it's that time of year, a time to have a glimpse of the past year and pass some much needed 20:20 vision judgement! So what did 2013 hold? A roller coaster of emotions, a lot to toing and froing to London, some happy moments, sad moments and possibly the most scary moment of my life to date. I can honestly say I would rather pull my toenails out with pliers than relive some of 2013.
A year of mixed blessings. I was lucky enough to witness a very good friend (and fellow warrior) finally find some happiness and get married, what a wonderful day that was, and such an emotional day to see her so happy :) I'm lucky to have her in my life and call her friend.
A wonderful holiday in March with my family was great fun, even with the snow and cold!! What a great time we had, a great time also for our bobo to spend quality time with his grandmum. We loved it and can't wait to do it again, and how lucky we are to be able to.........
The most dominating aspect of the year, and certainly the most challenging was the very unwelcome return of my mums breast cancer!! After 10 years it was a bolt out of the blue. My amazing mum fought hard and long, through 2 major operations and the emotional roller coaster and the unbelievable fact that she had to go through it again. What a wonderful woman she is. I think the women in our family have a strong fighting gene. We don't let things stop us or get in the way. We deal with what life throws at us and move on, stronger and wiser.
It was heartbreaking, to sit and watch my mother have to take on all this information, face another mastectomy and all that goes with it, but the one of the very worst moments was sitting in the waiting room after talking to the consultant and watching my mum trying not to cry. Even now it brings tears, my mum, the ever strong, find the humour in life, sitting in a grim waiting room trying not to cry. For the first time in 10 years I wished I wasn't an adult, wished I could be hidden from the horrors of life, shielded by my mum, comforted by her and told everything would be ok. Instead here I was, a grown woman trying to comfort her mother, to tell her everything would be ok, shielding her from my own worries and fears. Oh to be a child again, innocent to all this suffering and drama!!
But we did it, she did it. She fought on and in October she was given the all clear, no more treatment, no more cancer, finally it had come to an end. A huge relief to us all, I have my mum back and she is as funny and loving as ever, and all I hope was that I was a comfort and support to her when she needed it as she has always been to me!!
Through all this drama and stress I was lucky enough to have some of the most wonderful people around.
Firstly my magnificent, hard working, stupidly funny, exceedingly supportive, kind, caring husband. Poor hubby used all his holiday and more to look after our son while I went back and forth with mum, but he did much more than that. He gave me the support and love that I needed and a good kick up the bum when necessary! His words and actions always showing me that I was cared for and supported, showing me that I too am a fighter, that I have inherited that warrior gene (although I sometimes think he wishes I'd either move to the amazon or shut up and sit down lol).
He gave me strength when I thought I had none. This has been a tough year for us, but we are strong and he is my rock. I feel incredibly lucky to have him and my son.
My son has been a source of great humour and love this year, he has made even the most invariable days worth living for, his smile, his misunderstanding of minute (as in small, he says 'Joshie's newt' as he though I said 'my newt' so now 'Joshie's newt' means something very small lol). I live him so much and cannot imagine life without him. I love my cuddles and kisses, our snuggle time, but most of all, I love our family time together :) lucky lucky me!!!!
My friends, my amazing friends!! Well what can I say about them??? You're all crazy lol. What fantastic support and love you have shown me. What fun we have had. Thank you for the smiles, the laughter, the understanding. Thank you for keeping me company while I sat alone in the hospital waiting on news of mum, texting me and helping me through it. Having constant companions was a huge help!! Keeping me entertained with tales of another life, and still loving me despite my love of Elvis ;) you mean a lot to me, always will.
One particular friend I have special thanks for. I am lucky to call her best friend, she is amazing!!!!! I'm not gonna go on as I've already told her how wonderful she is, but without her I'd be lost. She has pulled my out of some messes, picked me up, dusted me off, told me off and put my head back on straight just before kicking my arse and telling me to get a grip. I love you!!!!!!! Thank you.
This year has been crazy. Sometimes we have to live through crazy to appreciate what is truly important in life, and I think I'm getting there. I might not be where I want to be, but I think I'm learning to be happy where I am!! So what for next year? Well, weddings, charity photo shoot, art, photography, parties, family, friends, holidays, adventure, but most of all living my life and learning to be me!!!
I leave you all with a new poem as we leave this old year
2013,
what a year
Of pain and joy
Laughter and fear
The very worst moments
Times that we cheered
Times that we cried
And smiled and feared
Challenges brought
Battles we won
Sitting and playing
Just having fun
Moments of silence
Moments of peace
Moments of chaos
Merriment and feast
2013
You're finished, you're done
I don't look back fondly
On what has gone on
Instead I look forward
Without any fear
And I think to myself
I'll have My New Year
No more excuse
No more what ifs
Instead count my blessings
Cherish my gifts
This next year will see me
Fight a good fight
This next year will see
My Phoenix take flight
A year filled with happiness
Laughter and cheer
So I say to you all
Have A Happy New Year
See you on the other side x x x
A year of mixed blessings. I was lucky enough to witness a very good friend (and fellow warrior) finally find some happiness and get married, what a wonderful day that was, and such an emotional day to see her so happy :) I'm lucky to have her in my life and call her friend.
A wonderful holiday in March with my family was great fun, even with the snow and cold!! What a great time we had, a great time also for our bobo to spend quality time with his grandmum. We loved it and can't wait to do it again, and how lucky we are to be able to.........
The most dominating aspect of the year, and certainly the most challenging was the very unwelcome return of my mums breast cancer!! After 10 years it was a bolt out of the blue. My amazing mum fought hard and long, through 2 major operations and the emotional roller coaster and the unbelievable fact that she had to go through it again. What a wonderful woman she is. I think the women in our family have a strong fighting gene. We don't let things stop us or get in the way. We deal with what life throws at us and move on, stronger and wiser.
It was heartbreaking, to sit and watch my mother have to take on all this information, face another mastectomy and all that goes with it, but the one of the very worst moments was sitting in the waiting room after talking to the consultant and watching my mum trying not to cry. Even now it brings tears, my mum, the ever strong, find the humour in life, sitting in a grim waiting room trying not to cry. For the first time in 10 years I wished I wasn't an adult, wished I could be hidden from the horrors of life, shielded by my mum, comforted by her and told everything would be ok. Instead here I was, a grown woman trying to comfort her mother, to tell her everything would be ok, shielding her from my own worries and fears. Oh to be a child again, innocent to all this suffering and drama!!
But we did it, she did it. She fought on and in October she was given the all clear, no more treatment, no more cancer, finally it had come to an end. A huge relief to us all, I have my mum back and she is as funny and loving as ever, and all I hope was that I was a comfort and support to her when she needed it as she has always been to me!!
Through all this drama and stress I was lucky enough to have some of the most wonderful people around.
Firstly my magnificent, hard working, stupidly funny, exceedingly supportive, kind, caring husband. Poor hubby used all his holiday and more to look after our son while I went back and forth with mum, but he did much more than that. He gave me the support and love that I needed and a good kick up the bum when necessary! His words and actions always showing me that I was cared for and supported, showing me that I too am a fighter, that I have inherited that warrior gene (although I sometimes think he wishes I'd either move to the amazon or shut up and sit down lol).
He gave me strength when I thought I had none. This has been a tough year for us, but we are strong and he is my rock. I feel incredibly lucky to have him and my son.
My son has been a source of great humour and love this year, he has made even the most invariable days worth living for, his smile, his misunderstanding of minute (as in small, he says 'Joshie's newt' as he though I said 'my newt' so now 'Joshie's newt' means something very small lol). I live him so much and cannot imagine life without him. I love my cuddles and kisses, our snuggle time, but most of all, I love our family time together :) lucky lucky me!!!!
My friends, my amazing friends!! Well what can I say about them??? You're all crazy lol. What fantastic support and love you have shown me. What fun we have had. Thank you for the smiles, the laughter, the understanding. Thank you for keeping me company while I sat alone in the hospital waiting on news of mum, texting me and helping me through it. Having constant companions was a huge help!! Keeping me entertained with tales of another life, and still loving me despite my love of Elvis ;) you mean a lot to me, always will.
One particular friend I have special thanks for. I am lucky to call her best friend, she is amazing!!!!! I'm not gonna go on as I've already told her how wonderful she is, but without her I'd be lost. She has pulled my out of some messes, picked me up, dusted me off, told me off and put my head back on straight just before kicking my arse and telling me to get a grip. I love you!!!!!!! Thank you.
This year has been crazy. Sometimes we have to live through crazy to appreciate what is truly important in life, and I think I'm getting there. I might not be where I want to be, but I think I'm learning to be happy where I am!! So what for next year? Well, weddings, charity photo shoot, art, photography, parties, family, friends, holidays, adventure, but most of all living my life and learning to be me!!!
I leave you all with a new poem as we leave this old year
2013,
what a year
Of pain and joy
Laughter and fear
The very worst moments
Times that we cheered
Times that we cried
And smiled and feared
Challenges brought
Battles we won
Sitting and playing
Just having fun
Moments of silence
Moments of peace
Moments of chaos
Merriment and feast
2013
You're finished, you're done
I don't look back fondly
On what has gone on
Instead I look forward
Without any fear
And I think to myself
I'll have My New Year
No more excuse
No more what ifs
Instead count my blessings
Cherish my gifts
This next year will see me
Fight a good fight
This next year will see
My Phoenix take flight
A year filled with happiness
Laughter and cheer
So I say to you all
Have A Happy New Year
See you on the other side x x x
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Challenging
Ok, so after a successful ocd awareness week challenging others perceptions of ocd, I decided it was time to challenge my perception of my ow ocd! I have 2 choices, I can control the ocd or it can control me, and so far the ocd has been more in control than I have, so it's time for a change, time to put myself first and take charge, and there is no better way to do that than to completely overload yourself with challenges.
I now have 3 challenges set for myself, each of which will challenge me and my ocd to the max. My first challenge is to get fit, lose weight and start running again. I used to love running, it was a chance to clear my head, push my body and improve my state of mind. Before having Bobo (in fact 1 week pregnant), with the help and encouragement of OCDUK I actually ran the British 10k, something I never believed I would do. But since then, motherhood and ocd have gotten in the way, so tonight I go running for the first time in 3 years. The anxiety of it is killing, what if I'm too slow, what if I make a fool of myself, what if I suck and everyone hates me? What if while I'm out doing something for myself, something bad happens to someone I love? It would be my fault for not being there to stop it or make things better! My ocd brain is screaming at me not to go, but I'm determined to do it, to get out there, work hard and start enjoying running again. I know it's going to be hard work physically and mentally, but if I don't do it I will never achieve my goals and it will just be another victory for the ocd, and I'm sick of ocd winning. Surely it's my turn!
The second challenge is to swim a mile in a lake, something I agreed to in a moment of sheer madness I think, but it serves 2 purposes, firstly raising much needed funds for OCDUK and secondly to challenge my ocd again. Swimming in a lake posses many problems for me, mainly being that I'm so unfit I can hardly swim 10 metres let alone a mile! On top of this is the fear of failure, the fear of turning up late, the fear of drowning and (yes, I know this one is stupid) the fear of fish swimming near me, bluugggghhhhhhh. I have no idea why, but being in the water with fish freaks me out, maybe I watched on too many piranha films lol. So for me this challenge is huge, but hopefully I won't be alone and it's all for a good cause.
My 3rd challenge is organising a photo shoot to raise money for OCDUK. In my head I've got it all planned, but I fear my need for perfection and my ocd are starting to unravel the threads! I'm already panicking, what if I make a huge mess of it? What if it's so badly organised that everyone ends up angry and disappointed? What if no one turns out? What if I write some thing wrong in an email or say something wrong ? What if it's not perfect for everyone? What if what if what if................... My ocd is spinning with delight at this, probably because this one is most important to me. This is my baby and I want it to go well so that we all have fun and raise money and make it a great relaxing day!! I know my friends are there to help, I have an amazing photographer who is understanding and patient, and the support of my wonderful husband. But I still fear the worst, I fear my ocd!
But isn't that the point? To feel the fear and do it anyway. I don't want to be a sufferer any more, I want to be a warrior. I want to fight against ocd, not just for myself, but for everyone affected by it. I might not be able to win the war, but I can fight and hopefully conquer some ground.
I suppose it all comes down to how I deal with my ocd and whether or not I survive my first run tonight!
I now have 3 challenges set for myself, each of which will challenge me and my ocd to the max. My first challenge is to get fit, lose weight and start running again. I used to love running, it was a chance to clear my head, push my body and improve my state of mind. Before having Bobo (in fact 1 week pregnant), with the help and encouragement of OCDUK I actually ran the British 10k, something I never believed I would do. But since then, motherhood and ocd have gotten in the way, so tonight I go running for the first time in 3 years. The anxiety of it is killing, what if I'm too slow, what if I make a fool of myself, what if I suck and everyone hates me? What if while I'm out doing something for myself, something bad happens to someone I love? It would be my fault for not being there to stop it or make things better! My ocd brain is screaming at me not to go, but I'm determined to do it, to get out there, work hard and start enjoying running again. I know it's going to be hard work physically and mentally, but if I don't do it I will never achieve my goals and it will just be another victory for the ocd, and I'm sick of ocd winning. Surely it's my turn!
The second challenge is to swim a mile in a lake, something I agreed to in a moment of sheer madness I think, but it serves 2 purposes, firstly raising much needed funds for OCDUK and secondly to challenge my ocd again. Swimming in a lake posses many problems for me, mainly being that I'm so unfit I can hardly swim 10 metres let alone a mile! On top of this is the fear of failure, the fear of turning up late, the fear of drowning and (yes, I know this one is stupid) the fear of fish swimming near me, bluugggghhhhhhh. I have no idea why, but being in the water with fish freaks me out, maybe I watched on too many piranha films lol. So for me this challenge is huge, but hopefully I won't be alone and it's all for a good cause.
My 3rd challenge is organising a photo shoot to raise money for OCDUK. In my head I've got it all planned, but I fear my need for perfection and my ocd are starting to unravel the threads! I'm already panicking, what if I make a huge mess of it? What if it's so badly organised that everyone ends up angry and disappointed? What if no one turns out? What if I write some thing wrong in an email or say something wrong ? What if it's not perfect for everyone? What if what if what if................... My ocd is spinning with delight at this, probably because this one is most important to me. This is my baby and I want it to go well so that we all have fun and raise money and make it a great relaxing day!! I know my friends are there to help, I have an amazing photographer who is understanding and patient, and the support of my wonderful husband. But I still fear the worst, I fear my ocd!
But isn't that the point? To feel the fear and do it anyway. I don't want to be a sufferer any more, I want to be a warrior. I want to fight against ocd, not just for myself, but for everyone affected by it. I might not be able to win the war, but I can fight and hopefully conquer some ground.
I suppose it all comes down to how I deal with my ocd and whether or not I survive my first run tonight!
Friday, 1 November 2013
Home sweet home
Hey folks, are we all sitting comfortably around the campfire? Well, I think it's time for a sing song,
"Hhhhhoooommmeeeeee,
home on the .................."
Oh wait, where is home?
"Home, Noun
The place or a place
where one lives.
A house or dwelling.
A family or other group
living in a house or
other place.
A persons country, city
etc esp viewed as a
birthplace, a residence
during ones early years,
or a place dear to one"
Collins Dictionary
There are more definitions, but I'm not sure sports analogies are going to be very useful here.
When a person thinks of home, they usually think of the place they live now, the place they have settled, made a nest, called home. Others think of the place they grew up, no matter where they live, when they return to their birthplace they consider it returning home. Some consider it the country they are from. When returning from holiday or working abroad, they are coming home. Whatever the case, home is usually a place of comfort and security. But what if you don't get that sense from the word 'home', what if, like me, you are a nomad?
I call where I live now 'home' as a generic term, mainly as it's shorter to say "I'm off home" then "I'm going back to the place where I live now". But I never get a sense of settling, of putting down roots. In fact, for me, it's the opposite. I'm always waiting to move on, to get going again. It sounds awful, I know. Here I am, married with a family, and I'm saying I don't feel at home! Don't get me wrong, I love what I have here, and it's no reflection on my family, I just don't like to put down roots or 'making myself at home'. I'm not comfortable staying in one place or not being able to move on. I don't like becoming attached to things because no matter what, eventually you become unattached!!!!!!!
I've always been a nomad, maybe because it means you don't have to work do hard to fit in if you are always moving on. To me, that notion is fantastic. I hate the fact that I have always felt like I don't fit, that I have to try harder then everyone else. I become a chameleon, changing to fit in with every occasion, to make everyone happy. Surely it's easier and less exhausting to keep moving, to purposely be the outsider, because it's painful to be the outsider in your own home!
Home for many is a place to run to when things get tough or you need help or comfort. In these times my instinct is to run away from, not to, home. Maybe that makes me a coward or selfish, but for me it's a way to defend myself, to protect myself against harm. Running away gives me a chance to breath, to get my head straight. That way I can bury the pain deep, hide my weakness and come back fighting. Is this not the way everyone reacts? No? Just me then!!!
As an ocd sufferer I am constantly searching for perfection, another cause of anguish when it comes to 'home'. Home, for me, is where everything should be perfect, has to be right, and the problem is that I can never make home perfect because no matter what I do to make home perfect, I will never be perfect and therefore home will never be perfect with me in it! So instead I shy away from home, always itching to move again, to start off again on another adventure!
Is it any wonder I called this blog a campsite and not a home, or office or other permanent structure?? Maybe even my ocd doesn't feel 'at home'!
I'm still hopeful that one day all this running and adventure will bring me back to where I belong, that one day this long trek will bring me back home!
"Hhhhhoooommmeeeeee,
home on the .................."
Oh wait, where is home?
"Home, Noun
The place or a place
where one lives.
A house or dwelling.
A family or other group
living in a house or
other place.
A persons country, city
etc esp viewed as a
birthplace, a residence
during ones early years,
or a place dear to one"
Collins Dictionary
There are more definitions, but I'm not sure sports analogies are going to be very useful here.
When a person thinks of home, they usually think of the place they live now, the place they have settled, made a nest, called home. Others think of the place they grew up, no matter where they live, when they return to their birthplace they consider it returning home. Some consider it the country they are from. When returning from holiday or working abroad, they are coming home. Whatever the case, home is usually a place of comfort and security. But what if you don't get that sense from the word 'home', what if, like me, you are a nomad?
I call where I live now 'home' as a generic term, mainly as it's shorter to say "I'm off home" then "I'm going back to the place where I live now". But I never get a sense of settling, of putting down roots. In fact, for me, it's the opposite. I'm always waiting to move on, to get going again. It sounds awful, I know. Here I am, married with a family, and I'm saying I don't feel at home! Don't get me wrong, I love what I have here, and it's no reflection on my family, I just don't like to put down roots or 'making myself at home'. I'm not comfortable staying in one place or not being able to move on. I don't like becoming attached to things because no matter what, eventually you become unattached!!!!!!!
I've always been a nomad, maybe because it means you don't have to work do hard to fit in if you are always moving on. To me, that notion is fantastic. I hate the fact that I have always felt like I don't fit, that I have to try harder then everyone else. I become a chameleon, changing to fit in with every occasion, to make everyone happy. Surely it's easier and less exhausting to keep moving, to purposely be the outsider, because it's painful to be the outsider in your own home!
Home for many is a place to run to when things get tough or you need help or comfort. In these times my instinct is to run away from, not to, home. Maybe that makes me a coward or selfish, but for me it's a way to defend myself, to protect myself against harm. Running away gives me a chance to breath, to get my head straight. That way I can bury the pain deep, hide my weakness and come back fighting. Is this not the way everyone reacts? No? Just me then!!!
As an ocd sufferer I am constantly searching for perfection, another cause of anguish when it comes to 'home'. Home, for me, is where everything should be perfect, has to be right, and the problem is that I can never make home perfect because no matter what I do to make home perfect, I will never be perfect and therefore home will never be perfect with me in it! So instead I shy away from home, always itching to move again, to start off again on another adventure!
Is it any wonder I called this blog a campsite and not a home, or office or other permanent structure?? Maybe even my ocd doesn't feel 'at home'!
I'm still hopeful that one day all this running and adventure will bring me back to where I belong, that one day this long trek will bring me back home!
Sunday, 20 October 2013
The week that was OCD Awareness Week!
So this is it, the end of OCD Awareness Week. Was it a success? Was it worth it? Well for Ocduk.org, I hope so, as for me, most definitely. I've had conversations with people that have then wanted to learn more, found out that I have inspired and educated, discovered that I have truly amazing friends and family, and found I can be talked into the most stupid ideas (that don't even involve chocolate!!!!).
I'm proud that I am able to make a difference, even a small one, because I hope that the small changes will ripple out to become one huge change in the perception and treatment of OCD and it's sufferers. So much has already changed, but we need to be greedy, we need to be unafraid of asking for more. We deserve more!
With that in mind, we must not forget what is already being done, the changes that are already afoot. This week saw products being rebranded and saw people standing bravely together to make themselves heard. Many of my friends sporting an OCD Awareness Week banner on their Facebook pages, not because the sufferer from it, but because they believe in, a support, me. What a wonderful thing that is, to know so many care and appreciate me, I hope they know how much I appreciate them!! And while we are on the subject, I want to show my appreciation for a man called Ashley Fulwood and his truly amazing charity www.ocduk.org. He and the charity do some outstanding work, including organising OCD Awareness Week, as well as support sufferers and guide them in the direction of help! This Charity and it's members are life changing, in fact they are life saving! I know this because they saved my life. They are always there when I need them, not to reassure (because we know that's a no no) but to support and help me, to even listen to my awful whinging and moaning!! I only wish there was more I could do to repay them.
You might think that now the week is over you won't have to listen to me bang on and on and on about OCD, but you'd be wrong. What this week has taught me, more then anything, is that it's an ongoing battle, that I must never give up on myself or on changing others perception of this mental illness. Sometimes it's easier to close your eyes to it, to joke about it, but it's time to change, it's time to get the word out,
OCD is a serious mental illness. It can be overcome with the right treatment and the right attitude. People with OCD have enough to deal with without being stigmatised, judged, humiliated or laughed at. Change a perception and we can change the world!
I'm proud that I am able to make a difference, even a small one, because I hope that the small changes will ripple out to become one huge change in the perception and treatment of OCD and it's sufferers. So much has already changed, but we need to be greedy, we need to be unafraid of asking for more. We deserve more!
With that in mind, we must not forget what is already being done, the changes that are already afoot. This week saw products being rebranded and saw people standing bravely together to make themselves heard. Many of my friends sporting an OCD Awareness Week banner on their Facebook pages, not because the sufferer from it, but because they believe in, a support, me. What a wonderful thing that is, to know so many care and appreciate me, I hope they know how much I appreciate them!! And while we are on the subject, I want to show my appreciation for a man called Ashley Fulwood and his truly amazing charity www.ocduk.org. He and the charity do some outstanding work, including organising OCD Awareness Week, as well as support sufferers and guide them in the direction of help! This Charity and it's members are life changing, in fact they are life saving! I know this because they saved my life. They are always there when I need them, not to reassure (because we know that's a no no) but to support and help me, to even listen to my awful whinging and moaning!! I only wish there was more I could do to repay them.
You might think that now the week is over you won't have to listen to me bang on and on and on about OCD, but you'd be wrong. What this week has taught me, more then anything, is that it's an ongoing battle, that I must never give up on myself or on changing others perception of this mental illness. Sometimes it's easier to close your eyes to it, to joke about it, but it's time to change, it's time to get the word out,
OCD is a serious mental illness. It can be overcome with the right treatment and the right attitude. People with OCD have enough to deal with without being stigmatised, judged, humiliated or laughed at. Change a perception and we can change the world!
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