The angry storm

Hey campers, things are about to get mighty stormy, so tether down your tents good and tight and follow me if you dare..........


A majestic arc of power strewn across the darkened sky - this is how I describe lightning

the occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud, accompanied by a bright flash and typically also thunder - this is how the Oxford dictionary describes lightning 

What's my point I hear you cry, well it's this.

Sometimes when you analyse things, take them apart, prod and poke them and see how they work, they lose their magic! The beautiful mystery that surrounds them fades and all you're left with is a bunch of molecules rubbing and causing voltage or some such. 

The same can be said of the past, or of relationships, the more you pick at them, the more mechanical and less beautiful they become, until in the end all you see is the machinery, the ugly mechanics, not the wonderful outcomes or memories that it all holds

But then I question whether I'm too naive? I often wonder do I need to know how it works, or can I just enjoy the beauty of it? Well the lightning is amazing, beautiful, mysterious, awe inspiring, it almost makes you want too stand on a tall hill and try and catch it, try and be part of its power, to join with it, to feels its incredible charge. But knowing exactly how it works tells me that if I did do that I'd be a pile of frazzled ashes, so sometimes knowing the mechanics stops us from doing something incredibly stupid or dangerous, or bad for our health. And yes it might take away some of the mystery, it might not seem as magnificent,  but maybe you can still hold on to some of the beauty while admiring the mechanics? 

What if we ignored the danger, would we definitely becomes crispy bacon? Would you take that chance to experience something amazingly breathtaking? Or would you stay inside, shut yourself away and wait for the storm to pass?

Is it better to ignore it than to watch it from afar, longing to join in and knowing you can't? To pretend it doesn't exist, or to see it just as an 'occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud' and pretend it holds no beauty?

I need my world to hold beauty, to be a world of mystery, to hold such wonders, but reality seems to clash with it somehow. Recent events seem to cloud my view, darken the horizons. Instead of a vista of wonder and light, I feel like I look out on a landscape of overflowing darkness. I want to live in a world where I can sit in harmony like an angel, spreading my wings on a warm morning breeze, yet here I stand like a maleficent creature overlooking all that I have made, the demons that I myself have bore, growing more powerful everyday with thoughts of anger and vengeance. Wanting to rip every star from the sky and darken the universe, to rip galaxies apart to vent my own frustrations and anger. An anger that swells from the very pit of my soul.  

Recent events have put my spirit in to turmoil, from knowing there is still beauty in the world and that we just have to work hard to get through this moment, to wanting to use my powers for evil. I'm so angry at the universe that I physically want to punish it! But I can't, so instead I'll punish myself and those closed to me. If I must feel like I'm in hell, then why not become the devil? At least own it!!!! And maybe it's time that I did. If the universe will cause me so much hurt and anger why not use it to my own advantage? Why not turn this hell into my own playground, with my own rules? Maybe it's time I gave karma a taste of its own medicine. 

Someone told me 'god only gives you as much as he thinks you can handle' well, his plan is about to backfire!!!

I can sit and mope about not being able to play with the lightning or I can be inspired by its magnificent power!!! So I'm making a choice, now it's all about me! 

I thought being this angry at the world would make me weaker, make me small and vulnerable, but it hasn't,  if anything it's done the opposite, it's made me stronger, given me an inner power I never knew existed. It's made me more selfish, but it's what I need. Now it's all about me, what I need to be as a mother, what I need to be as a daughter, but most of all, what I need to be as me. 

I need to be me, and if that means being selfish or detached. Then so be it. I'm putting up my defences, I might not be able to play with the lightning but I'm gonna get damn close to it!!! 

I've always worried what other people think, what they will say. Well no more, now they can worry what I think or say. I'm not going to fight to be in people's lives, if they want to be in mine, let them fight to be, and if they don't then I don't want them in my life!!!!! 

I might no be able to play with lightning but I'm gonna bloody stir up a storm!!!!!!

'When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by

Like New Year's Eve, tonight's underway

But tomorrow you'll wake up afraid of the day

'Cause underneath the scars of your broken dreams

An undone war still wages and stings

You fear the year will blow

Like a breeze through a rainbow

You swear it's there, but you can't grab a hold

So you sit and cry and wonder why, why...

When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by

So many cities and windows and lives

And through each one there's a soul that strives to survive

So pay no mind, my sorrow's fine

The day is a live and that's why I cry

It's a New Year's toast, grab your list to conspire

The last snake hissed as he was thrown in the fire

You've come far, and though you're far from the end

You don't mind where you are, cause you know where you've been' - 

Carbon Leaf 'let your troubles roll by'

Running Scared!

Wow what a couple of weeks it's been and not in a good way, but I've learnt something about myself, so maybe it's not all bad!!

In a fight or flight situation my instinct is to run!! You're never going to catch me ghost hunting or searching for serial killers, I have enough trouble in my life without seeking it out. But what if you run straight in to trouble???? 

Well that's what friends are for!! Some are there to distract you, some are there to comfort you and some are there to keep you on the straight and narrow and kick your arse when necessary.

I feel sorry for my friends. The ones who try and distract me inevitably end up hurt or in trouble or both! The ones who try to comfort me often end up feeling rejected by my coldness or at a loss of how to console someone who seems emotionally void. Then there are those who keep me in check, I feel sorry for them coz it's a bloody hard job when my flight instinct kicks in.

I wish I could find betters ways of dealing with things other than the choices I have given myself, but that's how I am. I believe I have 3 choices; firstly shut down and be practical. In this instant, no matter the pain, you are not allowed to cry or show weakness. You must get on and do what needs doing. Any show of weakness will get you killed or worse, hurt!!! Don't get hurt, that's the main objective to my life now, and weakness leads to hurt!!!!

In fact hurt first, inflict the first damage, put the walls up and push everyone out. Be nasty, be vicious, make others feel bad so that they hate you and leave. That way it's your choice and you can't get hurt. Attack those who you feel the most about first! Hit first and hit hard and what ever you do, DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS 

Second choice: run away. Run and keep running, run for your life. Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man. Only problem with this is I can never outrun myself. I could run forever but I'll always catch up!! I can never out run the pain and hurt, so maybe that's not a great option. Plus I'm a parent now. How can I run, how can I teach Bobo that this is a healthy reaction to life??? 

And anyway where would I run?? Probably straight into option 3....

Option 3: Hit the red button, a world of self destruct and self harm!!! Keep everything held in and then release it in bursts of self annihilation!!! Unfortunately it sometimes involves taking others with me :(  

Self harm is something I've struggled with for years, fortunately I've been able to manage it for the last couple of years although the urge is always there. What people don't realise or understand is that self harm comes in many forms, it's not just about cutting, it's anything that causes harm to the self, like risky behaviour or drinking etc. there are so many ways to self harm of destruct they can quite simply creep up on you and convince you to join in.

This is what I do, this is how I cope when I'm stressed, this is what I put everyone through!!!

So yes, my family and friends have a lot to put up with when I'm stressed, and I can see why I end up labeled 'cold' or 'bitch'. But everyone has coping mechanisms and these are mine.

I'm lucky to have such strong friends, and if I hurt you or call you names, or make you feel like you've done something wrong, trust me, it's not you, it's me. The more I hurt you the more I'm hurting. The more I'm shutting down, the more I'm holding in. The more I'm trying to push you away, the closer I need you.

One day I'll learn a healthy way to cope with life, until then, I'm running scared!

Friend's don't let you Fail.

Hello campers, how are we all? Well what do you know, 2 blogs in 2 days!!!!

Yesterday was a bad day, everything found a way to irritate me, including myself. I have so much going on at the moment, a very active toddler, a house to look after, a new card making business (check it out, go to bobo cards page on Facebook and hit like, I know shameless plug!!) and mental health issues, it's a wonder the OCD hasn't kicked in sooner or harder!

So what have I learnt? absolutely nothing.

Well that's not strictly true, I've learnt that I hate my computer and that I don't have the patients for it to be that slow. I've learnt that my son is as stubborn as I am, if not a bit more so and I've learnt I'm rubbish at being a domestic goddess! (today I also learnt a song about shaking peanuts to get elephants out of trees, thanks Disney channel). But most of all I have learnt that I have incredible friends (although to be honest I already knew that). I have great friends who will put their faith in my business and trust me to make cards for them, even in other languages (turns out I remember nothing from the French classes I did turn up for). I have friends who are there to listen to me whinge and moan about my nice life, and most of all I have friends who tell me to buck up, or in the words of my toddler, 'Man Up'. And for them, I am very very grateful.

Stephen Fry said "1in4 people, like me, have a mental health problem. Many more people have a problem with that." and it's true. I have lost friends (although I wonder if 'friend' is the right term for them considering?), I've had friends distance themselves from me since finding out, still hear from them, like the odd like on Facebook and a merry Christmas once a year (although how many times do you get merry Christmas in one year? but you know what I mean). So now I'm much more wary about who I make friends with in a way to defend myself, because I don't need the extra pressure of false friends. The friends I do have are very understanding and extremely tolerant, which just goes to strengthen my belief in them, because if I was them, I'm not sure I'd be friends with me!!!!!

But why do people have such a problem with mental health issues? I mean, I'm still me, I still act the same as I always have, just now I have a reason for my behaviour (I'd say excuse, but sometimes there is not excuse for my behaviour, only an explanation). I didn't suddenly grow to heads, or start eating small children. And I didn't wake up one morning and think "I know, I think I'll have OCD now as my life is way to boring". So what makes it so different when you learn someone has something wrong with them. Would they behave the same if I turned up with an arm or leg missing? Maybe. Is it embarrassment, not knowing what to say? Is it Shame? Not wanting to be associated with a crazy person? What?

I think it's very sad that people can't look beyond a label, and what makes it sadder is that some people don't even try to understand, or become more informed about it. Why? Rash judgement and fear just grow the stigma about mental health issues, creates a self fulfilling prophecy, the more people stigmatise it, the more others will judge it. Yes I have OCD, Yes, I suffer from a mental illness, but that's not who I am (and I'm aware how hard that is to accept, some days I have trouble seeing the difference too). I have a mental illness, but who I am is quite different. I'm a mother, a wife, a daughter, and sister, a friend. Yes, sometimes I need a little more help the others, sometimes I struggle to leave my house, sometimes I wish the world would slow down so my head could catch up, but that doesn't make me any less then everyone else. We all need help at some point in our lives, some more than others. Does it matter that I spent 3 weeks on a ward for the mental ill? Not to those who matter, and if it matters to you, then I'm afraid I can't let you matter to me.

Should you have children when you have a mental illness? That is actually a question someone asked me before I had my beautiful son. Really?????? Should you have a child if your disabled? Missing limbs? Blind? Deaf? Of course you should, if that's what you want to do.
I struggled when I was pregnant, worrying about how my OCD would affect my baby, about how I could protect him from it, but after he was born I realised something very important. Firstly, I didn't need to protect him from my OCD, I needed to protect him against those who judge it! And secondly, after worrying about how he would be affected, I didn't take in to account how he would affect me OCD! Suddenly I was able to see it (doesn't mean I can always control it, it's a tricky little creature, this OCD) and some days, when the dark clouds are storming in my brain, and all I see is bleakness, I look up to see this beautiful 2 year old smiling at me or pulling faces, making mummy laugh, and suddenly those dark clouds, although still there, don't seem so daunting. Even this morning, after such a trying day yesterday, where I was ready to give up, I'd been in a manic mood all day and then the depression hit at the same time the terrible 2's hit my son, after all that, he still made me smile. He made me stand in the middle of the lounge and 'shake my peanuts!!' and you know what? As well as getting the elephant out of the tree (you had to be there I think), it got me out of my dark mood. Now there is a slightly happier mummy, and a happy bobo (because mummy is happier).
As he grows up, I hope he learns to accept people for who they are, not what they suffer from. I know he's going to have a lot to deal with growing up with a mentally unstable mother, but I also know (from experience) that it doesn't mean his life has to be any different from anyone else, that he has to miss out, because I know I will do everything in my power to make sure of it. And yes there will be bad days, and days where he resents me because of my illness, and I have to accept that. But I also accept that he will love me in the same way I love him, and that my beautiful boy will grow up in a loving home where he is cared for and taught the values of respect and tolerance. And yes some day's I feel like I'm failing as a mother (and the OCD just loves it), but then I'm assured by my 'not so mentally challenged' mummy friends that they feel that way too, Phew what a relief, if we are failing then we are all doing it together!

So yes, I have a mental illness, and yes sometimes I will write a blog that is all doom and gloom and end of world, but other days I will write a blog like this, that I hope informs and enlightens. And sometimes I will write a blog that is just plain nonsense, because I have nothing else to say, but hey, that's just me, and that's all I can be. If you don't like me because I have a mental illness, that's your problem and you can keep it because I have enough of my own. For those who love me for being me, I appreciate and love you all more then you could possibly know, and you will never fully comprehend how much it means to me that you care.

Happy camping my little OCD followers :)

Failure

I don't need others to point out my failings, I'm quite capable of pointing them out myself!! 

How many ways can I fail? More to the point, how many ways can I perceive I'm failing? As a mother? Quite a bit, today was a true example. 2 hour tantrum and I lost it and so I lost control of the situation and it spiralled out of control. And who lost out? I did, I ended up not having dinner and feeling more guilt than ever before. It's ridiculous, why am I not able to cope? I hate myself right now, it's been such a long day and at the end of it I feel defeated. The baby defeated me, the computer defeated me, the cooking even defeated me, how pathetic! And then I add to my own guilt, my own suffering, because after days like this I question having another child (don't worry, it's a long way off anyway). I'd love for Bobo to have a sibling but I just don't think I would cope! I really am pathetically weak.

And on top of it all I let myself down all the time, I can't stick to a diet, I can't find my motivation to exercise, I don't get on with the work I should be doing, I don't keep the house orderly. In fact I can sum it up a lot quicker if I said I'm failing as a mother, I'm failing as a wife, I'm failing as a woman and I'm failing as a human being!!

And yes some of this probably is my ocd getting the better of me, so that means its just another area of failure!!. 

I tell myself that tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I will get back on track, but first I have to get through the night!

I'm sorry, this is such s miserable blog, but to be honest, I don't care, I've had a miserable day.

The world today

Oh dear campers, I think I might make you all feel very down today. I've been thinking about the state of the world and recent events have put my mind into overdrive, so here it is:

I can't fathom the world today, is that just me? It's causing my ocd to bounce off the walls and lead me to believe that having a baby was the most selfish thing I've ever done, and maybe it was. Maybe it's what every parent thinks, but I'm starting to have panic attacks when I think about the world my child will grow into. It seems to be a very depressing future, a world where fighting and greed and selfishness win out over goodness, honesty and kindness. Where outer beauty and thinness is valued over inner beauty and intelligence. Where objects are valued over humans, where antisocial ways of life are the norm. You no longer need to leave your house for anything. I worry that my child will never know the pleasure of playing out with friends, will never understand the value of respect, will never be able to experience life to its fullest, and that's only if you think positively that the planet will last that long! We are slowly killing the planet with deforestation and landfill, with hatred and war, with greed for oil, gold, land, power. We are happy to sacrifice other human brings for the greater cause of wealth and power. Nuclear war is imminent, global warming and flooding are imminent, the end of the world is nigh!!!!! My goodness you could really get depressed thinking about this stuff!!!!

But what if instead my child is one of many who will change the world, to make it a better place, a nicer place. A place where they value human life over wealth or power. A place where people work together for the greater good. That could happen, so maybe  I have nothing to worry about. 

I can't accept that the world is that bad, but I can't help the thoughts flying around in my head, telling me what an awful future my poor baby has, and I fret that there is nothing I can do. It makes me so angry that the world can be so hateful and dangerous when we are all the same species, we are all human. why can't we all get along? 

Eventually something has to give, I just hope and pray that it all works out for the best and we don't end up destroying ourselves over religion or power or wealth.

Maybe everyone needs to take a step back, yes you can have your own beliefs, but how about believing in humanity? 

There is so much more I could say about this, so many more worries, but instead I'll just leave you with a poem,

I don't agree

I don't agree with fighting

When we're capable of talking,

I don't agree with hating

When we're capable of loving.

I don't agree with hunger

When we're capable of feeding

I don't agree with greed

When we're capable of sharing

I don't agree with war

When we're capable of peace

I don't agree with misery

When we're capable of happiness

I don't agree with lies

When we're capable of honesty

I don't agree with nastiness

When we're capable of nicety

I don't agree with pain

When we're capable of healing

I don't agree with hostility

When we're capable of hospitality

I don't agree with selfishness

When we're capable of selflessness

I don't agree with enemy

When we're capable of friendship.

Anyway, cheer up, there's alway tomorrow (I hope)

Happy camping x

The girl in the room

Tonight is story time around the campfire, so get yourself comfy.

Once upon a time, a young woman found herself in the depths of despair, surrounded by strangers, locked on a ward without hope or deliverance. It was the darkest time of her life. Everyday she would wonder the hall, the garden and the kitchen aimlessly searching for peace, for solitude, everyday she found none. Everyday was the same, wake in despair, drown it out with meds, eat what little she could to spare disapproving looks, and sleep only to wake back to despair. Everyday seeing the same walls, the same people, the same darkness. Until one day, whilst wondering, pondering how to get through another day, she heard a small sob from behind a closed door, gentle she knocked and opened the door. There, sitting on the bed, was a wane blonde beautiful young woman, her head buried deep with in her hands, her slender body heaving with every sob, her skin so pale she seemed almost a ghost. "Are you ok?" she asked the girl in the room, she waited but there came no answer. Quietly she closed the door and walked away, back to her own dark thoughts. The next morning she passed the door, again she heard the sobbing, again she knocked and asked "are you ok?", again there came no answer. Later on that day, the young woman saw the girl in the room, sitting quietly by herself in the garden, her ghostlike presents hardly noted by anyone. After a few minutes she disappeared, unnoticed to all except the young woman. The next morning there was no sobbing, this time she knocked and looked in, there she sat, the girl in the room. "come out and sit in the garden" the young woman requested, she held out her hand and was surprised when the ghostlike figure stood and followed her out, her head bowed down. Together they sat in the garden barely saying a word, but both knowing they were no longer alone in the darkness. After that the two women spent everyday chatting, or just sitting together in the garden drawing or watching the world go by, both knowing that even in the darkness they had each other to guide the way.

One day the young woman, feeling her soul would burst, that the darkness would never pass, began to cry. She cried and cried, now that she had started she couldn't stop. Sat alone on a bench, struggling to catch a breath between every heart wrenching cry, face drowned in tears, the darkness overwhelming. Suddenly a hand touched hers, she looked up to see the girl in the room sitting beside her on the bench and she realised in that moment, that she truely wasn't alone, that somebody cared. In that moment the girl in the room saved her.

5 years later the young woman stood with tears in her eyes, clapping and smiling, feeling honoured to be amongst the wedding guests of the girl in the room. No longer ghostlike, there she stood, proud and smiling on the happiest of days. Seeing her smile, seeing her happy, seeing her surrounded by love and people who cared reminded the young woman of the love and care she had found in their friendship. Finally they were both happy, both knew hope, and although they knew their journeys through the darkness still had someway to go, it was easier now that they had their friendship to hold on to, to guide them through, no matter distance or time. And most of all, they both believed in the future.

To the girl in the room, thank you for saving my life. I wish you all the happiness and joy in the world x x x

Fact or Fiction?

Good afternoon campers, the fire is lit, the marshmallows are toasting, it's time to begin.....

Do you remember when.........? Of course you do, the question should be 'do you remember correctly?'. Do you remember it how I do? Do you remember it positively or negatively? Do you remember it vaguely or in all it's glorious detail? Do you remember it how you wanted it to be?

Memory is a very tricky thing, it can bring joy or pain, it can drive you nuts, it can be 'it's just on on the tip of my tongue' frustratingly annoying. It can be missing. Sometimes I wish mine was missing! Other times I feel that's an awful thing to wish.

Part of my condition is being able to recall almost all conversations I've ever had, it's a blessing and a curse. Comes in handy when you need to remember something important, not so handy when your ocd uses it to replay negative things or unkind words I've spoken, or to recall conversations from the past that cause you to pick fights with people in the present!!! I replay these things again and again in my head, buzzing quietly in the back of my mind like constant background noise. Not every conversation, just a select few at a time. They buzz and buzz and buzz, whirring round and round slowly getting louder and louder and louder until finally there they are, front and centre. This might take minutes, hours, days, even months, but eventually I'll crack and BOOM, there they are. Some times I can tuck them safely away in my brains basement, still aware they are there, but not having to deal with them. Sometimes I sit and worry about it, allow it to make me frown for a while and then finally shake it off. Other times I let it get the better of me, let it make the decisions, rake over old ground. I allow it to guide me into trouble and chaos, allow it to pick fights with people (who have no idea why!) try to get answers about past conversations that others can't even remember. Allows me to torture myself, to inflict pain deep within my soul, to suffocate my sanity. But are my memories right? Did I even have these conversations? Or is it all a figment of my sick and twisted ocd mind?

What if I ask someone why they said/did something and they deny it? Is it my memory at fault or theirs? Are they protecting themselves, have they genuinely forgotten, are they denying it to be mean or is my brain playing a deranged game with me? 

What if I imagined it all? Am I now so crazy I'm making up the past???

So I try and say nothing, let it whirl around till I can bury it back deep inside, lurking, waiting, ready for its next great escape. And the times it does escape, well I add those conversations to the basement too, I just hope this basement is big enough!

It's not just conversations though, my brain finds new ways to play with my sanity. 

My mum asked me the other day if I remembered an event in my past involving my dad, and I thought about it and no, I honestly couldn't remember, so then she asked what I do remember about him, and I have to confess not a lot, I seem to have wiped him from the memory banks! My brain did such a good job that it even convinced me that he wasn't there on trips we took as a family, that my mother assures me he was on!! Ok I don't get on with the man (I find it odd calling him dad in fact) but I was 16 when he left, surely he left some kind of impression in that time? If it wasn't for the fact the rest of my family had seen him, I'd go as far to say he doesn't even exist!! Maybe he doesn't and my family are having one of those mass hallucinations!!! But then that doesn't explain the man in the photos! Hmm maybe he does exist after all. The real question is, is my brain just being perverse or is it protecting me? If its protecting me, what from?

Considering my  superpower of conversation recall, I can only recollect one conversation I had with my father and that's the last one we ever had, it didn't end well!!!  But in 16 years we must have spoken? Must have had one moment where one of us made the other laugh or even smile?

That gets me thinking, how many other people have I wiped from my memory??? Why do some stay and others not make the cut? I'd like to say it depends on how they've treated me but then I think a lot more would be missing!! Maybe it has to do with how I treated them, or maybe my brain is trying to protect me after all. It's not doing a great job!!!!

So I guess I'll never know what's fact and what's fiction, whether it's protection or torture. So what to do? Maybe I keep burying it, hoping I'll keep it all contained and that will be good enough, but then I have to accept that occasionally there will be a breakout and I'll have to deal with the consequences as they occur.

 It might be all in my head, but sometimes my head leaks!

So on that note, I'm off to don my rose tinted glasses and bathe in the warmth of a slightly oblique past.

Happy camping x x x