How can you hide?
It's easy, behind a tree, under a bed, in a cupboard. Hide and seek is a great game to play, the fun and anticipation of being found or doing the finding, as children it was one of the best games.
As adults we still play it. We still hide, we still seek.
With OCD the game takes a dark twist. What we hide becomes dangerous, what we seek becomes impossible.
OCD is a hidden illness, something to be concealed, covered up. Because believe it or not, we are aware of what we are doing. It makes sense to us, but we know it won't make sense to you. So we hide it, keep silent, don't share, become secretive and BOOM the ocd has got us!!!
If we can't talk about it it means we internalise it, handing the power to the OCD. Keeping quiet allows it to develop, twist and control, to convince us to carry on spiralling out of control. It convinces us that no one understands, I mean, listen to the way they joke about it!
" No one will take you seriously, they think you are just being silly, so shush, don't speak up, stay here with me, I'll keep you safe"
And so we suffer, in silence, in darkened turmoil. Never speaking out, never asking for help. What's the point, you'll just laugh at me or tell me to get over it!!
That's what making light of an illness does, keeps it secret, keeps it stigmatised, keeps it abusing!! If we can't talk about it we can't ask for help.
I mustn't feel tired, or disappointed, or sad.
Instead I must be cheerful and happy and glad.
I mustn't wallow or scream or cry.
Instead I must smile and wipe my eyes dry.
I mustn't show rage or anger or dread.
Instead I must keep it all in my head.
I mustn't let others see my despair.
Instead I must show my kindness and care.
I mustn't show hurt or pain or fear.
instead I must pretend I'm not here.
#ocdawarenessweek
#thatsocd
Thursday, 16 October 2014
Wednesday, 15 October 2014
OCD awareness week day 3 still
So ocd, is it laughing matter?
No, yes, maybe..........oh hang on, I'm confused.
My OCD is a flipping nightmare to put it mildly. At one point it almost killed me. That's definitely no laughing matter.
My brain had me so convinced that the whole entire world was better off with out me, that the only thing I was good at was causing harm that I decided to end it all. Not my finest hour I'll admit, but one of my darkest. No laughter, no funniness. Just bleakness, darkness and a whole lot of self loathing.
Obviously things turned around and I'm no longer in that place any more. The world no longer seems scary and dark, although I still have days where the storms gather. I know that there is light and that I can survive, I try to live my life regardless of that obnoxious haunting voice in my head. And yes there are even days where I can laugh at my ocd, see the stupidity in it a even have a chuckle, sometimes my poor exasperated hubby laughs at my ocd, it becomes like a private joke between us, a secret laughter. It's sounds strange I know, but there are actually days when my ocd seems so ridiculous that I have to laugh, have to roll my eyes and say "can you believe I actually said/did/thought that" and have a giggle. It's always retrospective!!
So yes, I can laugh, we can laugh, it's funny to laugh with someone.
It is not ok to laugh at someone, therefore it is not ok to laugh at someone's illness, to make light of a serious illness.
How many comedians start a joke with
"did you hear about the man with lung cancer that had half his lung removed"? Nothing funny there.
"Did you hear about the girl with sever learning difficulties"? Nope still not a funny opener
So why is it ok to joke about ocd. Apparently it's the funniest illness going!!! Apparently everyone is 'a little bit ocd' so it's ok to make a joke, find it funny, belittle it.
Well actually, no, not everyone is 'a little bit ocd' maybe they just like things tidy or organised. Maybe they just like things neat. That's ok, there's nothing wrong with being neat, neat is good, means you don't keep stepping on odd bits of duplo (I have a 3 year old!) neat is nice. Neat isn't very funny, it's just neat, maybe even (dare I say it) anal!! But it doesn't make you OCD!!!!
There is nothing funny about an illness that can be fatal, that ruin lives, tortures whole families. We don't need laughter, we need understanding.
So can you laugh at my ocd, well yes if it affects you directly and makes me look silly and gives us a laugh, then sure it's fine.
Can you laugh at ocd in general and make jokes about it?
Well what do you think?
Call for change, get educated and destroy the stigma.
It's ocd awareness week, help fight for change!!!
#thatsOCD
#ocdawarenessweek
#ocdawareness
No, yes, maybe..........oh hang on, I'm confused.
My OCD is a flipping nightmare to put it mildly. At one point it almost killed me. That's definitely no laughing matter.
My brain had me so convinced that the whole entire world was better off with out me, that the only thing I was good at was causing harm that I decided to end it all. Not my finest hour I'll admit, but one of my darkest. No laughter, no funniness. Just bleakness, darkness and a whole lot of self loathing.
Obviously things turned around and I'm no longer in that place any more. The world no longer seems scary and dark, although I still have days where the storms gather. I know that there is light and that I can survive, I try to live my life regardless of that obnoxious haunting voice in my head. And yes there are even days where I can laugh at my ocd, see the stupidity in it a even have a chuckle, sometimes my poor exasperated hubby laughs at my ocd, it becomes like a private joke between us, a secret laughter. It's sounds strange I know, but there are actually days when my ocd seems so ridiculous that I have to laugh, have to roll my eyes and say "can you believe I actually said/did/thought that" and have a giggle. It's always retrospective!!
So yes, I can laugh, we can laugh, it's funny to laugh with someone.
It is not ok to laugh at someone, therefore it is not ok to laugh at someone's illness, to make light of a serious illness.
How many comedians start a joke with
"did you hear about the man with lung cancer that had half his lung removed"? Nothing funny there.
"Did you hear about the girl with sever learning difficulties"? Nope still not a funny opener
So why is it ok to joke about ocd. Apparently it's the funniest illness going!!! Apparently everyone is 'a little bit ocd' so it's ok to make a joke, find it funny, belittle it.
Well actually, no, not everyone is 'a little bit ocd' maybe they just like things tidy or organised. Maybe they just like things neat. That's ok, there's nothing wrong with being neat, neat is good, means you don't keep stepping on odd bits of duplo (I have a 3 year old!) neat is nice. Neat isn't very funny, it's just neat, maybe even (dare I say it) anal!! But it doesn't make you OCD!!!!
There is nothing funny about an illness that can be fatal, that ruin lives, tortures whole families. We don't need laughter, we need understanding.
So can you laugh at my ocd, well yes if it affects you directly and makes me look silly and gives us a laugh, then sure it's fine.
Can you laugh at ocd in general and make jokes about it?
Well what do you think?
Call for change, get educated and destroy the stigma.
It's ocd awareness week, help fight for change!!!
#thatsOCD
#ocdawarenessweek
#ocdawareness
OCD Awareness Week day 3
I'm totally exhausted
I give in you win I lose
Just give me peace just let me be
For once just let me choose
Stop giving me confusion
Abuse and use, I lose
Just let me out, give me a chance
For once just let me choose
Stop yelling I can't hear you
You scream, I scream I lose
Just quiet down in fact shut up
For once just let me choose
Don't fight me any more
You pull I fall I lose
This war is getting to be to much
For once just let me choose
Just once just let me choose
I push you shush you lose
One battle down, I know your weak
Now's the time to choose
I give in you win I lose
Just give me peace just let me be
For once just let me choose
Stop giving me confusion
Abuse and use, I lose
Just let me out, give me a chance
For once just let me choose
Stop yelling I can't hear you
You scream, I scream I lose
Just quiet down in fact shut up
For once just let me choose
Don't fight me any more
You pull I fall I lose
This war is getting to be to much
For once just let me choose
Just once just let me choose
I push you shush you lose
One battle down, I know your weak
Now's the time to choose
Tuesday, 14 October 2014
Ocd awareness week day 2
"If I tell you a secret can you keep it?"
That's how my ocd always starts the conversation!!
It's always a secret!
"If you tell anyone it will make it worse, just keep quite and do what I say"
It's a hostage situation, my brain is literally holding me hostage!
The problem really starts when you get an ocd version of Stockholm syndrome, you start to believe you can't live live with out the ocd, that you somehow need it, it's what keeps you/loved ones safe. That it's somehow helping!
How do you stop? How do you break away from something so ingrained into your life, your home, your brain?
The first, biggest and hardest step is recognising what's going on and fighting back. It's hard to break away, to give up something that you consider to be part of you. After all if you stop being ocd who will you be???
And that's the point! We are not OCD, we suffer from it!! But as a sufferer, the ocd can convince you that it's an intrinsic part of who you are. It can turn into quite the vicious cycle.
It takes tremendous hard work, great support and a network of professionals, but it can be done, it can be overcome.
Education is the key, mass education, not only of professionals, but of the general public too.
The more people that understand ocd, understand the consequence of ocd, the less stigmatised it will be.
No longer will ocd be the butt of jokes or a way to describe tidiness or neatness. The term "a little bit ocd" would no longer be acceptable, instead it would be widely accepted that ocd is a serious illness, one that needs to be recognised and treated as swiftly as any other illness.
The only way this can happen is by mass awareness, mass education.
Don't be part of the problem, be part of the solution
Get educated!
#ocduk
#ocdawarenessweek
#ocdawareness
#thatsocd
That's how my ocd always starts the conversation!!
It's always a secret!
"If you tell anyone it will make it worse, just keep quite and do what I say"
It's a hostage situation, my brain is literally holding me hostage!
The problem really starts when you get an ocd version of Stockholm syndrome, you start to believe you can't live live with out the ocd, that you somehow need it, it's what keeps you/loved ones safe. That it's somehow helping!
How do you stop? How do you break away from something so ingrained into your life, your home, your brain?
The first, biggest and hardest step is recognising what's going on and fighting back. It's hard to break away, to give up something that you consider to be part of you. After all if you stop being ocd who will you be???
And that's the point! We are not OCD, we suffer from it!! But as a sufferer, the ocd can convince you that it's an intrinsic part of who you are. It can turn into quite the vicious cycle.
It takes tremendous hard work, great support and a network of professionals, but it can be done, it can be overcome.
Education is the key, mass education, not only of professionals, but of the general public too.
The more people that understand ocd, understand the consequence of ocd, the less stigmatised it will be.
No longer will ocd be the butt of jokes or a way to describe tidiness or neatness. The term "a little bit ocd" would no longer be acceptable, instead it would be widely accepted that ocd is a serious illness, one that needs to be recognised and treated as swiftly as any other illness.
The only way this can happen is by mass awareness, mass education.
Don't be part of the problem, be part of the solution
Get educated!
#ocduk
#ocdawarenessweek
#ocdawareness
#thatsocd
Monday, 13 October 2014
Ocd awareness week!
Imagine the scenario:
Two people
One person constantly beats on the other
Constantly tells the other they're stupid/not worth anything/good for nothing/ pointless/fat/hurtful/neglectful
Constantly gets the other into harmful/high risk situations
Constantly isolates the other
Constantly shouts and screams at the other
Constantly mistreats/neglects the other
One abuser one abused
What advice would you give to the abused?
It's easy right? Tell them to leave, tell them there is help out there, refuges, protection
You wouldn't laugh would you?
You wouldn't make a flippant joke about it would you?
You wouldn't make it the butt of a joke would you?
Now imagine that scenario but it's all one person, the abuser and the abused is one person!
That is OCD
The bully and the bullied
The abuser and the abused
Still ok to make a joke about OCD?
End the stigma #thatsocd #ocdawarenessweek. #ocduk
Two people
One person constantly beats on the other
Constantly tells the other they're stupid/not worth anything/good for nothing/ pointless/fat/hurtful/neglectful
Constantly gets the other into harmful/high risk situations
Constantly isolates the other
Constantly shouts and screams at the other
Constantly mistreats/neglects the other
One abuser one abused
What advice would you give to the abused?
It's easy right? Tell them to leave, tell them there is help out there, refuges, protection
You wouldn't laugh would you?
You wouldn't make a flippant joke about it would you?
You wouldn't make it the butt of a joke would you?
Now imagine that scenario but it's all one person, the abuser and the abused is one person!
That is OCD
The bully and the bullied
The abuser and the abused
Still ok to make a joke about OCD?
End the stigma #thatsocd #ocdawarenessweek. #ocduk
Monday, 20 January 2014
Blog Hopping for Hope
Hope,
I hope it doesn't rain today. I hope Kylie's new album is good, I hope bob smith wins pop factor. I hope my parcel comes. I hope I don't burn the cake. I hope it's not to far. I hope the shop is still open.
Hope: a word that is easily tossed into conversation, an idly wish.
According to Collins dictionary:
Hope,
Definitions
noun
(sometimes plural) a feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfilment ⇒ his hope for peace was justified, their hopes were dashed
a reasonable ground for this feeling ⇒ there is still hope
a person or thing that gives cause for hope
a thing, situation, or event that is desired ⇒ my hope is that prices will fall
See not a hope
verb
(transitive; takes a clause as object or an infinitive) to desire (something) with some possibility of fulfilment ⇒ we hope you can come, I hope to tell you
(intransitive) often foll by for to have a wish (for a future event, situation, etc)
(transitive; takes a clause as object) to trust, expect, or believe ⇒ we hope that this is satisfactory
Synonyms of Hope: Utopia, achievement, ambition, anticipation, aspiration, assumption, belief, bright side, buoyancy, castles in air, concern, confidence, daydream, dependence, desire, endurance, expectancy, expectation, faith, fancy, fool's paradise, fortune, gain, goal, greedy glutton, hopefulness, light at end of tunnel, optimism, pipe dream, promise, promised land, prospect, reliance, reverie, reward, rosiness, sanguineness, security, stock, thing with feathers, wish
My favourite of these synonyms are Belief, Faith, Hopefulness, Security and Wish.
As a sufferer of OCD and as a child of a parent with a mental health disorder, these words often come to mind, not as a idle thought or a whimsical gesture, but as tools, great tools to aid awareness and recovery.
Don't get me wrong, I too use them on a whim, "I wish it would stop raining" "I hope hubby remembers the bread" and so forth, but I also value the real meaning of these words and what they can achieve. I have sat in the darkness, praying and wishing and hoping. I have been to the edge, at times feeling like I may literally tip over the edge, willingly, just to get it over and done with.
I have lost hope and worshipped despair, had self harm and low worth as my idols, prayed for suffering instead of recovery when I believed there was no way out. I have been to the very depths of my ocd, fought against that demon and then willingly surrendered my power to it.
To lose Hope is to lose faith, faith in yourself and your strength. To lose Hope is to lose yourself, and I almost did.
It took a long time to climb back up, to be honest I'm still climbing. I know I have a long way to go, and some days I slip (sometimes willingly, indulgently) back a little way. But I still climb, I use all my weapons to fight against it, and one of those weapons is Hope.
Some of you may already know that I spent a little time locked in a mental health unit. I had given up, couldn't see anyway out of the suffering and so selfishly made the decision to end it all, for myself and those around me. Being admitted to the hospital I couldn't see the point in everyone's concern and time, after all, I was worth nothing! But day by day I began to realise something, people weren't giving up on me, staff and family and friends kept going, kept pushing, because they had faith. They had hope, hope for me, hope I would see the light, faith I would start to fight. And their hope and belief slow became contagious, spreading through me until I could see it too. I started to see that I could grow stronger, that I could fight back. It gave me Hope. So much so, that on my first day home I bought a necklace engraved with the three most important words I knew:
Hope, Strength, Knowledge.
These 3 words have served me well, work as a reminder that there is always hope even if it's not your own, that you can always find strength even if you need to borrow it and that knowledge is important, knowledge of your illness, treatments and support available, but most importantly knowledge of yourself!
Hope is such a little word, sometimes even insignificant, but if you look closely you can see it everywhere, and where you don't see it you can bring it. So if someone you know has list hope please give them some of yours, you never know how much of a difference it can make!
My hope for myself is to eventually get better, my hope for you is that you take something from this and pass on the hope.
This Blog is part of a blog hop, of a greater exploration of the word HOPE in the world of OCD, please go to http://obsessivelycompulsivelyyours.wordpress.com/2014/01/19/the-first-ocd-blog-hop/
And see what my good friend Bellsie and others have to say on the subject of Hope.
I hope it doesn't rain today. I hope Kylie's new album is good, I hope bob smith wins pop factor. I hope my parcel comes. I hope I don't burn the cake. I hope it's not to far. I hope the shop is still open.
Hope: a word that is easily tossed into conversation, an idly wish.
According to Collins dictionary:
Hope,
Definitions
noun
(sometimes plural) a feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfilment ⇒ his hope for peace was justified, their hopes were dashed
a reasonable ground for this feeling ⇒ there is still hope
a person or thing that gives cause for hope
a thing, situation, or event that is desired ⇒ my hope is that prices will fall
See not a hope
verb
(transitive; takes a clause as object or an infinitive) to desire (something) with some possibility of fulfilment ⇒ we hope you can come, I hope to tell you
(intransitive) often foll by for to have a wish (for a future event, situation, etc)
(transitive; takes a clause as object) to trust, expect, or believe ⇒ we hope that this is satisfactory
Synonyms of Hope: Utopia, achievement, ambition, anticipation, aspiration, assumption, belief, bright side, buoyancy, castles in air, concern, confidence, daydream, dependence, desire, endurance, expectancy, expectation, faith, fancy, fool's paradise, fortune, gain, goal, greedy glutton, hopefulness, light at end of tunnel, optimism, pipe dream, promise, promised land, prospect, reliance, reverie, reward, rosiness, sanguineness, security, stock, thing with feathers, wish
My favourite of these synonyms are Belief, Faith, Hopefulness, Security and Wish.
As a sufferer of OCD and as a child of a parent with a mental health disorder, these words often come to mind, not as a idle thought or a whimsical gesture, but as tools, great tools to aid awareness and recovery.
Don't get me wrong, I too use them on a whim, "I wish it would stop raining" "I hope hubby remembers the bread" and so forth, but I also value the real meaning of these words and what they can achieve. I have sat in the darkness, praying and wishing and hoping. I have been to the edge, at times feeling like I may literally tip over the edge, willingly, just to get it over and done with.
I have lost hope and worshipped despair, had self harm and low worth as my idols, prayed for suffering instead of recovery when I believed there was no way out. I have been to the very depths of my ocd, fought against that demon and then willingly surrendered my power to it.
To lose Hope is to lose faith, faith in yourself and your strength. To lose Hope is to lose yourself, and I almost did.
It took a long time to climb back up, to be honest I'm still climbing. I know I have a long way to go, and some days I slip (sometimes willingly, indulgently) back a little way. But I still climb, I use all my weapons to fight against it, and one of those weapons is Hope.
Some of you may already know that I spent a little time locked in a mental health unit. I had given up, couldn't see anyway out of the suffering and so selfishly made the decision to end it all, for myself and those around me. Being admitted to the hospital I couldn't see the point in everyone's concern and time, after all, I was worth nothing! But day by day I began to realise something, people weren't giving up on me, staff and family and friends kept going, kept pushing, because they had faith. They had hope, hope for me, hope I would see the light, faith I would start to fight. And their hope and belief slow became contagious, spreading through me until I could see it too. I started to see that I could grow stronger, that I could fight back. It gave me Hope. So much so, that on my first day home I bought a necklace engraved with the three most important words I knew:
Hope, Strength, Knowledge.
These 3 words have served me well, work as a reminder that there is always hope even if it's not your own, that you can always find strength even if you need to borrow it and that knowledge is important, knowledge of your illness, treatments and support available, but most importantly knowledge of yourself!
Hope is such a little word, sometimes even insignificant, but if you look closely you can see it everywhere, and where you don't see it you can bring it. So if someone you know has list hope please give them some of yours, you never know how much of a difference it can make!
My hope for myself is to eventually get better, my hope for you is that you take something from this and pass on the hope.
This Blog is part of a blog hop, of a greater exploration of the word HOPE in the world of OCD, please go to http://obsessivelycompulsivelyyours.wordpress.com/2014/01/19/the-first-ocd-blog-hop/
And see what my good friend Bellsie and others have to say on the subject of Hope.
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
Happy New Year
Well, it's that time of year, a time to have a glimpse of the past year and pass some much needed 20:20 vision judgement! So what did 2013 hold? A roller coaster of emotions, a lot to toing and froing to London, some happy moments, sad moments and possibly the most scary moment of my life to date. I can honestly say I would rather pull my toenails out with pliers than relive some of 2013.
A year of mixed blessings. I was lucky enough to witness a very good friend (and fellow warrior) finally find some happiness and get married, what a wonderful day that was, and such an emotional day to see her so happy :) I'm lucky to have her in my life and call her friend.
A wonderful holiday in March with my family was great fun, even with the snow and cold!! What a great time we had, a great time also for our bobo to spend quality time with his grandmum. We loved it and can't wait to do it again, and how lucky we are to be able to.........
The most dominating aspect of the year, and certainly the most challenging was the very unwelcome return of my mums breast cancer!! After 10 years it was a bolt out of the blue. My amazing mum fought hard and long, through 2 major operations and the emotional roller coaster and the unbelievable fact that she had to go through it again. What a wonderful woman she is. I think the women in our family have a strong fighting gene. We don't let things stop us or get in the way. We deal with what life throws at us and move on, stronger and wiser.
It was heartbreaking, to sit and watch my mother have to take on all this information, face another mastectomy and all that goes with it, but the one of the very worst moments was sitting in the waiting room after talking to the consultant and watching my mum trying not to cry. Even now it brings tears, my mum, the ever strong, find the humour in life, sitting in a grim waiting room trying not to cry. For the first time in 10 years I wished I wasn't an adult, wished I could be hidden from the horrors of life, shielded by my mum, comforted by her and told everything would be ok. Instead here I was, a grown woman trying to comfort her mother, to tell her everything would be ok, shielding her from my own worries and fears. Oh to be a child again, innocent to all this suffering and drama!!
But we did it, she did it. She fought on and in October she was given the all clear, no more treatment, no more cancer, finally it had come to an end. A huge relief to us all, I have my mum back and she is as funny and loving as ever, and all I hope was that I was a comfort and support to her when she needed it as she has always been to me!!
Through all this drama and stress I was lucky enough to have some of the most wonderful people around.
Firstly my magnificent, hard working, stupidly funny, exceedingly supportive, kind, caring husband. Poor hubby used all his holiday and more to look after our son while I went back and forth with mum, but he did much more than that. He gave me the support and love that I needed and a good kick up the bum when necessary! His words and actions always showing me that I was cared for and supported, showing me that I too am a fighter, that I have inherited that warrior gene (although I sometimes think he wishes I'd either move to the amazon or shut up and sit down lol).
He gave me strength when I thought I had none. This has been a tough year for us, but we are strong and he is my rock. I feel incredibly lucky to have him and my son.
My son has been a source of great humour and love this year, he has made even the most invariable days worth living for, his smile, his misunderstanding of minute (as in small, he says 'Joshie's newt' as he though I said 'my newt' so now 'Joshie's newt' means something very small lol). I live him so much and cannot imagine life without him. I love my cuddles and kisses, our snuggle time, but most of all, I love our family time together :) lucky lucky me!!!!
My friends, my amazing friends!! Well what can I say about them??? You're all crazy lol. What fantastic support and love you have shown me. What fun we have had. Thank you for the smiles, the laughter, the understanding. Thank you for keeping me company while I sat alone in the hospital waiting on news of mum, texting me and helping me through it. Having constant companions was a huge help!! Keeping me entertained with tales of another life, and still loving me despite my love of Elvis ;) you mean a lot to me, always will.
One particular friend I have special thanks for. I am lucky to call her best friend, she is amazing!!!!! I'm not gonna go on as I've already told her how wonderful she is, but without her I'd be lost. She has pulled my out of some messes, picked me up, dusted me off, told me off and put my head back on straight just before kicking my arse and telling me to get a grip. I love you!!!!!!! Thank you.
This year has been crazy. Sometimes we have to live through crazy to appreciate what is truly important in life, and I think I'm getting there. I might not be where I want to be, but I think I'm learning to be happy where I am!! So what for next year? Well, weddings, charity photo shoot, art, photography, parties, family, friends, holidays, adventure, but most of all living my life and learning to be me!!!
I leave you all with a new poem as we leave this old year
2013,
what a year
Of pain and joy
Laughter and fear
The very worst moments
Times that we cheered
Times that we cried
And smiled and feared
Challenges brought
Battles we won
Sitting and playing
Just having fun
Moments of silence
Moments of peace
Moments of chaos
Merriment and feast
2013
You're finished, you're done
I don't look back fondly
On what has gone on
Instead I look forward
Without any fear
And I think to myself
I'll have My New Year
No more excuse
No more what ifs
Instead count my blessings
Cherish my gifts
This next year will see me
Fight a good fight
This next year will see
My Phoenix take flight
A year filled with happiness
Laughter and cheer
So I say to you all
Have A Happy New Year
See you on the other side x x x
A year of mixed blessings. I was lucky enough to witness a very good friend (and fellow warrior) finally find some happiness and get married, what a wonderful day that was, and such an emotional day to see her so happy :) I'm lucky to have her in my life and call her friend.
A wonderful holiday in March with my family was great fun, even with the snow and cold!! What a great time we had, a great time also for our bobo to spend quality time with his grandmum. We loved it and can't wait to do it again, and how lucky we are to be able to.........
The most dominating aspect of the year, and certainly the most challenging was the very unwelcome return of my mums breast cancer!! After 10 years it was a bolt out of the blue. My amazing mum fought hard and long, through 2 major operations and the emotional roller coaster and the unbelievable fact that she had to go through it again. What a wonderful woman she is. I think the women in our family have a strong fighting gene. We don't let things stop us or get in the way. We deal with what life throws at us and move on, stronger and wiser.
It was heartbreaking, to sit and watch my mother have to take on all this information, face another mastectomy and all that goes with it, but the one of the very worst moments was sitting in the waiting room after talking to the consultant and watching my mum trying not to cry. Even now it brings tears, my mum, the ever strong, find the humour in life, sitting in a grim waiting room trying not to cry. For the first time in 10 years I wished I wasn't an adult, wished I could be hidden from the horrors of life, shielded by my mum, comforted by her and told everything would be ok. Instead here I was, a grown woman trying to comfort her mother, to tell her everything would be ok, shielding her from my own worries and fears. Oh to be a child again, innocent to all this suffering and drama!!
But we did it, she did it. She fought on and in October she was given the all clear, no more treatment, no more cancer, finally it had come to an end. A huge relief to us all, I have my mum back and she is as funny and loving as ever, and all I hope was that I was a comfort and support to her when she needed it as she has always been to me!!
Through all this drama and stress I was lucky enough to have some of the most wonderful people around.
Firstly my magnificent, hard working, stupidly funny, exceedingly supportive, kind, caring husband. Poor hubby used all his holiday and more to look after our son while I went back and forth with mum, but he did much more than that. He gave me the support and love that I needed and a good kick up the bum when necessary! His words and actions always showing me that I was cared for and supported, showing me that I too am a fighter, that I have inherited that warrior gene (although I sometimes think he wishes I'd either move to the amazon or shut up and sit down lol).
He gave me strength when I thought I had none. This has been a tough year for us, but we are strong and he is my rock. I feel incredibly lucky to have him and my son.
My son has been a source of great humour and love this year, he has made even the most invariable days worth living for, his smile, his misunderstanding of minute (as in small, he says 'Joshie's newt' as he though I said 'my newt' so now 'Joshie's newt' means something very small lol). I live him so much and cannot imagine life without him. I love my cuddles and kisses, our snuggle time, but most of all, I love our family time together :) lucky lucky me!!!!
My friends, my amazing friends!! Well what can I say about them??? You're all crazy lol. What fantastic support and love you have shown me. What fun we have had. Thank you for the smiles, the laughter, the understanding. Thank you for keeping me company while I sat alone in the hospital waiting on news of mum, texting me and helping me through it. Having constant companions was a huge help!! Keeping me entertained with tales of another life, and still loving me despite my love of Elvis ;) you mean a lot to me, always will.
One particular friend I have special thanks for. I am lucky to call her best friend, she is amazing!!!!! I'm not gonna go on as I've already told her how wonderful she is, but without her I'd be lost. She has pulled my out of some messes, picked me up, dusted me off, told me off and put my head back on straight just before kicking my arse and telling me to get a grip. I love you!!!!!!! Thank you.
This year has been crazy. Sometimes we have to live through crazy to appreciate what is truly important in life, and I think I'm getting there. I might not be where I want to be, but I think I'm learning to be happy where I am!! So what for next year? Well, weddings, charity photo shoot, art, photography, parties, family, friends, holidays, adventure, but most of all living my life and learning to be me!!!
I leave you all with a new poem as we leave this old year
2013,
what a year
Of pain and joy
Laughter and fear
The very worst moments
Times that we cheered
Times that we cried
And smiled and feared
Challenges brought
Battles we won
Sitting and playing
Just having fun
Moments of silence
Moments of peace
Moments of chaos
Merriment and feast
2013
You're finished, you're done
I don't look back fondly
On what has gone on
Instead I look forward
Without any fear
And I think to myself
I'll have My New Year
No more excuse
No more what ifs
Instead count my blessings
Cherish my gifts
This next year will see me
Fight a good fight
This next year will see
My Phoenix take flight
A year filled with happiness
Laughter and cheer
So I say to you all
Have A Happy New Year
See you on the other side x x x
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