Yay, my blog remembered who I am this week and so no major dramas entering the campsite for me :)
Well my happy campers, how are we all? I hope I find you in good health (mentally and physically) because I think today's topic is going to get you exercising (even if that is getting up and walking away before reaching the end of my ramblings). Today we are going on a trek through the part of my brain known as 'shoulda known better' land, it's a rough terrain with hills and bumps and a few dark murky pools, but it's worth a trip to gain the experience and maybe learn a few things yourselves.
So tie your laces tightly, grab your backpacks and follow me....................................
This last month or so has been tough, emotionally, mentally and physically. I've thought of giving up a few times, thought of just saying to hell with it all and letting my life implode of it's own free will, but I haven't (well not yet) and at the moment I have found myself on a ledge, it's a comfortable place and I can see a way to climb out of the abyss and that gives me hope. I'm not kidding myself though, I'm still in the there and it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge, but for the mean time, I will keep looking up at the stars and hoping my escape is imminent.
Whilst perched here I've had time to think (tis a blessing and a curse), and I have realised that I have been taught some valuable lessons recently, so I think it's only fair to share them with you, so that you too can maybe get something from my experience.
1) As Dr House says "Things change, doesn't mean they get better". I agree. I often find myself waiting for things to change, for something to happen, but what if it did? would I be happy? Just because things change doesn't mean they are going to get any easier or make me any better, in fact (to be a complete pessimist), in my experience, when things change it usually makes my life more difficult or more of a challenge. There are of course exceptions to this rule, like the birth of my son, but in general, change does not equal good, just different. Maybe what needs to change is me.
2) Only ask a question if you already know the answer or don't care what the answer is. Might sound stupid, but I'm beginning to think this is a mighty important rule! Sometimes when we ask a question it's for reassurance (which if you have ocd, will be the reason for most of your questions, and reassurance is a no no!!!!!!!) You ask a question, not because you want to hear the truth, but because you want the other person to reassure you, to make you feel better, to make everything alright, but what if the answer doesn't? What if the other person doesn't care or understand what you need or misinterprets the question? What if the answer you get pushes you further into the abyss, or worse still, what if there is no answer? Maybe before asking questions, you should first ask yourself 'why am I asking?' It might save you some trouble. If you already know the answer, then you are asking for reassurance that you don't need, If you don't know the answer then you probably don't want to know it and therefore asking just seems dumb! Save yourself the trouble and heart ache, don't ask a question to which you don't want the truth!
3) If you hunt for ghosts you might end up seeing things that aren't there. Have you watched 'Most Haunted'? You're so busy searching for the truth that you start seeing it, only what you're actually seeing is an illusion, your brain playing tricks, trying to distract you. Maybe eventually you'll find your ghost, but most of us will only find disappointment that the noise was pipes in the floor board. Remember if you ask "is anybody there" and no one answers, it's probably true that no body's there.
4) What was isn't always what you remember! Rose tinted glasses my friends, rose tinted glasses. Sometimes when we look back and see that wonderful time we had, it's like looking across a desert and seeing an oasis, it's 99% likely it's a mirage. Do not be fooled.
5) Not every mistake is a bad one. See and you thought these were all going to be negative!! It's true, you might look back and think 'Damn, what the hell was I doing' but you know sometimes you can follow that up with 'Ok won't do that again, but it sure was fun'. But it also works the other way around, just because it was fun doesn't mean it wasn't a mistake. Don't do it again!
6) You can't always have what you want. Sometimes the trick is to want what you have! I have spent so long looking for change (see point 1) and worrying about all the problems and second guessing the future, I'd forgotten about what I already have. More fool me then. Sometimes you need to take a step back and look at what you already have, what you've already achieved. You'll be quite surprised, I know I was.
7) Self harming isn't always physical and isn't always exclusive. Sometimes when we want to self destruct we find it hard to do it alone, it's much easier to take people down with us, in case we get lonely on the way down! But it still leaves scars, you might not be able to see them, but they are there, and they usually stay.
8) You can have your cake and eat it, but it will make you fat and a bit sick!! It's true, you really can have it all, but you need to ask yourself 'do you want it all? is it worth it?' the answer is probably 'no'. Most of the time having enough is better than having it all.
9) If it looks like a horse, smells like a horse and sounds like a horse, it's probably a Zebra. Just a thought, sometimes it really does turn out to be unexpected, so don't judge just because you think you know something or heard something. It's hard enough trying to cope with life, harder still when you throw in mental illness. Yes sometimes I make mistakes, sometimes I get it wrong, and trust me on those occasions I am quite capable of beating myself up (over and over and over and over..................), but hey, we're all human and we all make mistakes, sometimes I am a Zebra!
10) Sometimes you need to let go in order to hold on. OK, this one is easy. Imagine you are dangling from a rope under a rescue helicopter but your holding all your luggage and it's to heavy for them to pull you in, are you really gonna keep a hold of that stuff or are you going to ditch it all and get into the chopper? Same is true for life. Yes I can hold on to it all, but how can I move on? So maybe, just sometimes, it's OK to let go. And yes it's painful, and hurtful, and sometimes you have to let go of things that can mean the world to you. Sometimes you have to let go and you wonder how you will keep breathing, but you do. It hurts like hell and you're allowed to grieve, but sometimes you have to let go.
11) Friends are like stars; mysterious, beautiful and always there. I am so lucky to be blessed with wonderful friends, one in particular who has quite literally saved my life. I live my life in turmoil, in deep trenches of mental illness and yet when I look up I'm lucky enough to be surrounded with support and love. I feel guilt for what I put them through, for the hours, days, years, of having to put up with me, having to pick me up, dust me off and get me going again. I can't imagine my life without them. My friends, you are my stars, my reason to look up, and for that one special friend, you are my North Star, guiding me home when I am lost, you are the most precious of them all and I am eternally grateful to have you in my life and call you 'Friend'.
so on that note we return to camp, to the comfort of our tents and security of our campfire having survived another hike around the wilderness that I call 'brain'
Happy camping x x x
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Camp has re opened horray
Did you miss me????
Firstly I'd like to start with an apology, camp has been closed due to inclement (emotional) weather, and more recently (the last 20 minutes) because I couldn't remember my sodding password!!!!!
Anyway, the snow has melted, metaphorically and physically speaking, and spring is trying it's best to spring :) So it must be time for me to get myself in to gear, get the fires burning, the tents pitched and the marshmallows on sticks ready for my wonderful campers. Here goes................
As I started with an apology I might as well use it as topic of conversation today, it's been weighing on my mind for a couple of days and I think it's worth having a look at.
When you suffer from a mental health disorder (disorder? syndrome? what's pc?) you spend your time looking into your past, constantly dredging up the dead, or is that just me? well if it is just me then so be it. I have been told on numerous occasions that I need to start looking forward rather than backwards and I agree, but easier said then done. For those of you with out a rear view life mirror, it's incredibly hard not to be tempted to look back. Just 'going to take a quick glimpse' turns into a full on staring competition with your past, mean while you're not paying attention to what's ahead, veer off the road of life straight into a pile of dung. You might be alive but it's not pretty. So surely it's best to keep your eye on the road and your butt out off trouble. My OCD couldn't agree less, why look forward when there is much fun to be had looking back and torturing me with memories of guilt and hurt? And it's not just my guilt and hurt, it's guilt and hurt I've caused in others!
In some groups, such as addiction groups, or help groups, one of their steps is to apologise to those you've wronged, or hurt and I feel sometimes this might be a helpful step in moving forward mentally when my brain is continuously stuck in reverse (wow I need to let up on the motoring metaphors). But will it help?
There are those people who may have minor injuries due to my unintentional words or actions, people who may have been annoyed for 30 seconds and now can't even remember the incident, well I can, so I apologise.
Then there are those who have injuries that might require some kind of treatment, I hope I noticed that at the time and made sure that you were suitably treated, if not, I apologise and hope that we can sort it out, I'd hope that you would tell me and that I could help in some way, or at least give you my reasons for causing pain, because I'm almost sure I would never have done it on purpose (although there are a few cases and those people know who they are and this apology is not meant for them!!!!!).
And then there are those, who in my mind, probably needed major incident care, maybe an emotional equivalent of A&E, those who, even without intending, I hurt or damaged or derailed, and for those there can be no apology, because saying sorry will never be enough. For even though I had no intention of causing great hurt or destruction, I inevitable did, causing chaos and unnecessary anguish. Thinking I could ever have that affect on another's life, leaves me breathless with remorse for my actions. And although the waters may have calmed and the storm may be over, I can still see the scars of my actions, the consequences of what I have done. I may not be the only one to blame, but I'm the only one that can own up to my own feelings about it and know that there is no apology big enough.
And then there are my family, who I think may be in need of long stay intensive care, having to put up with the actions and words of a crazed woman who can never do anything right. Again for them there can be no apology big enough to cover the wide scope of actions and reactions I have set into motion, for those already done and for those I will do in the future, for them I can only hope that they are stronger than me and can hold on to the edges of my sanity, pulling me back. That is their job, one that I regret and that I will always feel guilt over.
Having OCD isn't easy for anyone, least those who suffer the consequences of it. I fear I will forever be looking over my shoulder and looking back, dredging old rivers of emotion, sometimes finding treasure but mostly finding old boots.
Did it make me feel better apologising? No, but maybe it made you feel better, and maybe that's the point. I can't change the past but maybe I can change all of our futures, and if an apology helps then please consider this your apology.
Anyway, about that snow.................................................................................................................
Happy Camping my wonderful people and I will see you all soon x
Firstly I'd like to start with an apology, camp has been closed due to inclement (emotional) weather, and more recently (the last 20 minutes) because I couldn't remember my sodding password!!!!!
Anyway, the snow has melted, metaphorically and physically speaking, and spring is trying it's best to spring :) So it must be time for me to get myself in to gear, get the fires burning, the tents pitched and the marshmallows on sticks ready for my wonderful campers. Here goes................
As I started with an apology I might as well use it as topic of conversation today, it's been weighing on my mind for a couple of days and I think it's worth having a look at.
When you suffer from a mental health disorder (disorder? syndrome? what's pc?) you spend your time looking into your past, constantly dredging up the dead, or is that just me? well if it is just me then so be it. I have been told on numerous occasions that I need to start looking forward rather than backwards and I agree, but easier said then done. For those of you with out a rear view life mirror, it's incredibly hard not to be tempted to look back. Just 'going to take a quick glimpse' turns into a full on staring competition with your past, mean while you're not paying attention to what's ahead, veer off the road of life straight into a pile of dung. You might be alive but it's not pretty. So surely it's best to keep your eye on the road and your butt out off trouble. My OCD couldn't agree less, why look forward when there is much fun to be had looking back and torturing me with memories of guilt and hurt? And it's not just my guilt and hurt, it's guilt and hurt I've caused in others!
In some groups, such as addiction groups, or help groups, one of their steps is to apologise to those you've wronged, or hurt and I feel sometimes this might be a helpful step in moving forward mentally when my brain is continuously stuck in reverse (wow I need to let up on the motoring metaphors). But will it help?
There are those people who may have minor injuries due to my unintentional words or actions, people who may have been annoyed for 30 seconds and now can't even remember the incident, well I can, so I apologise.
Then there are those who have injuries that might require some kind of treatment, I hope I noticed that at the time and made sure that you were suitably treated, if not, I apologise and hope that we can sort it out, I'd hope that you would tell me and that I could help in some way, or at least give you my reasons for causing pain, because I'm almost sure I would never have done it on purpose (although there are a few cases and those people know who they are and this apology is not meant for them!!!!!).
And then there are those, who in my mind, probably needed major incident care, maybe an emotional equivalent of A&E, those who, even without intending, I hurt or damaged or derailed, and for those there can be no apology, because saying sorry will never be enough. For even though I had no intention of causing great hurt or destruction, I inevitable did, causing chaos and unnecessary anguish. Thinking I could ever have that affect on another's life, leaves me breathless with remorse for my actions. And although the waters may have calmed and the storm may be over, I can still see the scars of my actions, the consequences of what I have done. I may not be the only one to blame, but I'm the only one that can own up to my own feelings about it and know that there is no apology big enough.
And then there are my family, who I think may be in need of long stay intensive care, having to put up with the actions and words of a crazed woman who can never do anything right. Again for them there can be no apology big enough to cover the wide scope of actions and reactions I have set into motion, for those already done and for those I will do in the future, for them I can only hope that they are stronger than me and can hold on to the edges of my sanity, pulling me back. That is their job, one that I regret and that I will always feel guilt over.
Having OCD isn't easy for anyone, least those who suffer the consequences of it. I fear I will forever be looking over my shoulder and looking back, dredging old rivers of emotion, sometimes finding treasure but mostly finding old boots.
Did it make me feel better apologising? No, but maybe it made you feel better, and maybe that's the point. I can't change the past but maybe I can change all of our futures, and if an apology helps then please consider this your apology.
Anyway, about that snow.................................................................................................................
Happy Camping my wonderful people and I will see you all soon x
Friday, 18 January 2013
Happy New anxiety
Happy New Year campers, I hope 2013 finds you all well.
I was hoping to start this new years blog on a positive note, but it seems the ocd, and life itself has other ideas.
My hopes and dreams that I spoke about are slowly being killed off one by one, and all I can do is stand by as each one is marched out into the courtyard, tied to a post, blindfolded and then mercilessly gunned down before my very eyes. I fear that every last dream and hope will eventually suffer this cruel fate, and there is very little I can do. Some of it is my own doing, I might as well have shot them myself, others are the unfortunate victims of circumstance and the rest are casualties of many different battles. All in all, it's not going well :(
I wish that I could say I have hope, but a tiny piece of me knows that hope has probably already been tried and convicted of crimes against ocd, and is awaiting execution. This is becoming a civil war, one that is taking to much and causing me to think of surrender. There are outside influences as well, which all seem to be against me, or is that just my paranoia? Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you!!
There were certain points of this year that I had been looking forward to, that have now had to be cancelled due to circumstances beyond my control, but that doesn't make me any less hurt or disappointed!!!! I get the impression that I'm expected to just accept the situation and get on with it, not show any disappointment. Well tough!!!!!!!!!! I am disappointed, I keep being disappointed, and to be honest, I'm sick of being disappointed. I'm sick of this situation, I've had enough. The problem is, I don't see a way out! Well I do but I see too many ways out and my brain hurts from trying to consider them all. I can't live my life in this vortex of confusion and anxiety, it's making me sick. I don't know what to do, I don't know how I should feel. I don't know anything anymore.
I hate the fact I have started this year on such a melodramatically lost note, so to end I have written a poem, it has no title as I don't believe if deserves I one! Happy camping x x x
I mustn't feel tired, or disappointed, or sad.
I was hoping to start this new years blog on a positive note, but it seems the ocd, and life itself has other ideas.
My hopes and dreams that I spoke about are slowly being killed off one by one, and all I can do is stand by as each one is marched out into the courtyard, tied to a post, blindfolded and then mercilessly gunned down before my very eyes. I fear that every last dream and hope will eventually suffer this cruel fate, and there is very little I can do. Some of it is my own doing, I might as well have shot them myself, others are the unfortunate victims of circumstance and the rest are casualties of many different battles. All in all, it's not going well :(
I wish that I could say I have hope, but a tiny piece of me knows that hope has probably already been tried and convicted of crimes against ocd, and is awaiting execution. This is becoming a civil war, one that is taking to much and causing me to think of surrender. There are outside influences as well, which all seem to be against me, or is that just my paranoia? Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you!!
There were certain points of this year that I had been looking forward to, that have now had to be cancelled due to circumstances beyond my control, but that doesn't make me any less hurt or disappointed!!!! I get the impression that I'm expected to just accept the situation and get on with it, not show any disappointment. Well tough!!!!!!!!!! I am disappointed, I keep being disappointed, and to be honest, I'm sick of being disappointed. I'm sick of this situation, I've had enough. The problem is, I don't see a way out! Well I do but I see too many ways out and my brain hurts from trying to consider them all. I can't live my life in this vortex of confusion and anxiety, it's making me sick. I don't know what to do, I don't know how I should feel. I don't know anything anymore.
I hate the fact I have started this year on such a melodramatically lost note, so to end I have written a poem, it has no title as I don't believe if deserves I one! Happy camping x x x
I mustn't feel tired, or disappointed, or sad.
Instead I must be happy and cheerful and glad.
I mustn't wallow or scream or cry.
Instead I must smile and wipe my eyes dry.
I mustn't show rage or anger or dread.
Instead I must keep it all in my head.
I mustn't let others see my despair.
Instead I must show kindness and care.
I mustn't show hurt or pain or fear.
Instead I must pretend I'm not here.
Monday, 31 December 2012
New year
Well the campfire is burning, the bubbly is on ice and we're all about to party and by all I include the OCD! Ooohhhh the last blog of the year!!!
Sane me is looking forward to the new year, new year new start, but the ocd is looking at the year gone past and wondering if it can top it! A lot has happened in 2012, good and bad, and as much as I'd like to look back and see all the wonderful events, like my baby's first birthday or celebrating his christening with special family and friends, or spending time with loved ones, my ocd would like to spend the time contemplating where I've gone wrong, where the year went wrong, and what a terrible job I do. On top of that it would like to point out how next year will be full of the same. So is there any point celebrating the new year?
Celebrating new year means acknowledging the fact that another year has passed, that time is steadily marching forward whether I keep up or not. I read other peoples statuses on Facebook, all happy, glad of the year they've had and looking forward to a better one ahead and I'd like to join in (and I probably will, with a status thats well rehearsed and untruthfully cheerful), but I can't help thinking 'what will go wrong this year? What will screw up 2013?). It's not the best way to start a year, it's not the positive outlook I was hoping for, but the OCD has got the better of me!!
I have so many dreams for the coming year, but I feel that by even just wanting them I've already jinxed it. So I'm trying not to plan ahead, live day by day, but I can't help it, I can't help feeling a tiny bit optimistic (and even a little exited) that maybe 2013 will be a good year and that I will get some of the things I hope for (if not all). But again the OCD is nagging, 'all you'll get woman is what you deserve: nothing!!!! Would bother even thinking about it coz you won't get it, in fact there will be cruel and unusual things that not only stop you getting what you want, but make it even worse!!' Well thanks OCD, and a Bloody Happy New Year to You Too!!
It's not that I'm determined not to enjoy next year, I'm just worried that it will repeat some of the unnecessary harshness of this year, and I'm not sure how much more I can take.
So here are my aims for next year:
Spend every spare moment enjoying my time with my husband and son
Lose weight
Lose OCD (or at least try and get the reins back on it)
Be thankful for what I've got
Start taking my card making much more seriously and get on with it!!!
start looking after myself.
There are a few specific things that I'm wishing for for next year, but I'm not going to list them as they're personal to me and by writing them down I feel like I would jinx them and never get what I want. They're not unrealistic wants but I know that I might not get them, which is ok in one sense, as long as the ocd leaves them alone (which it won't).
But that's it, I'll celebrate the new year, in the hope I will be able to leave the past in this one and start looking forward. And even if my cheery celebrations are a mask hiding my fear of marching time and overwhelming OCD, maybe if I fake it enough I might start to actually mean it
So from my campsite of wild OCD and rambling thoughts, I wish you all a very Happy and Peaceful New Year x x x
Sane me is looking forward to the new year, new year new start, but the ocd is looking at the year gone past and wondering if it can top it! A lot has happened in 2012, good and bad, and as much as I'd like to look back and see all the wonderful events, like my baby's first birthday or celebrating his christening with special family and friends, or spending time with loved ones, my ocd would like to spend the time contemplating where I've gone wrong, where the year went wrong, and what a terrible job I do. On top of that it would like to point out how next year will be full of the same. So is there any point celebrating the new year?
Celebrating new year means acknowledging the fact that another year has passed, that time is steadily marching forward whether I keep up or not. I read other peoples statuses on Facebook, all happy, glad of the year they've had and looking forward to a better one ahead and I'd like to join in (and I probably will, with a status thats well rehearsed and untruthfully cheerful), but I can't help thinking 'what will go wrong this year? What will screw up 2013?). It's not the best way to start a year, it's not the positive outlook I was hoping for, but the OCD has got the better of me!!
I have so many dreams for the coming year, but I feel that by even just wanting them I've already jinxed it. So I'm trying not to plan ahead, live day by day, but I can't help it, I can't help feeling a tiny bit optimistic (and even a little exited) that maybe 2013 will be a good year and that I will get some of the things I hope for (if not all). But again the OCD is nagging, 'all you'll get woman is what you deserve: nothing!!!! Would bother even thinking about it coz you won't get it, in fact there will be cruel and unusual things that not only stop you getting what you want, but make it even worse!!' Well thanks OCD, and a Bloody Happy New Year to You Too!!
It's not that I'm determined not to enjoy next year, I'm just worried that it will repeat some of the unnecessary harshness of this year, and I'm not sure how much more I can take.
So here are my aims for next year:
Spend every spare moment enjoying my time with my husband and son
Lose weight
Lose OCD (or at least try and get the reins back on it)
Be thankful for what I've got
Start taking my card making much more seriously and get on with it!!!
start looking after myself.
There are a few specific things that I'm wishing for for next year, but I'm not going to list them as they're personal to me and by writing them down I feel like I would jinx them and never get what I want. They're not unrealistic wants but I know that I might not get them, which is ok in one sense, as long as the ocd leaves them alone (which it won't).
But that's it, I'll celebrate the new year, in the hope I will be able to leave the past in this one and start looking forward. And even if my cheery celebrations are a mask hiding my fear of marching time and overwhelming OCD, maybe if I fake it enough I might start to actually mean it
So from my campsite of wild OCD and rambling thoughts, I wish you all a very Happy and Peaceful New Year x x x
Sunday, 23 December 2012
The ocd before Christmas
Wishing all those who camp here with me a very merry Christmas. Will be seeing you all in the new year :)
For now I'll just leave you with my night before Christmas, enjoy.
Twas the night before Christmas
For now I'll just leave you with my night before Christmas, enjoy.
Twas the night before Christmas
When all through my brain
Ocd was stirring
Like a runaway train
the children all tucked up
Safely in bed
Mum up fretting and
Cleaning instead
When out in the hallway
Hubby asked what is the matter
I answered with haste
Can't you see all the clutter
The family are coming
The house isn't done
There's so much to do
I won't be much fun
Riddled with guilt
That the day would go wrong
Ocd whistled
And rejoiced in its song
Come panic, come grief,
Come guilt, come shame
Come dispair, come obsession
Come, anxiety and self blame
There in my brain
Lay ocd
Laughing and jeering
Not letting me be
With a laugh and a smile
And a wink of an eye
I knew I could wish
My Christmas goodbye
The festive good cheer
Of those all around
In my ocd brain
Could not be found
With a nod of the head
Ocd took flight
shouted Merry Christmas to all
Except you, good night!
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
Karma not calmer
Evening campers, how are we all. I've been very lapse in posting, so apologies.
I'm obsessed with karma, or in my case bad karma. Obviously I'm a bad person, or so my brain informs me! All things happen for a reason, usually as a response to something you've said or done, cause and effect, so with that in mind (in an addled obsessed crazed mind) it means that everything that has happened has been an effect of something I have done, thus bad karma! Are you still with me?
I'm not the most optimistic person on the planet, but at the moment I feel like the glass is beyond half empty, it's well and truly empty, smashed and wine spilt all over the floor (which I will end up having to clean up myself, no doubt!). Maybe it's the OCD (it's the OCD) and maybe I'm concerntrating so much on the negatives I'm missing the positives, maybe. On the other hand maybe it's just all negative (hello OCD, welcome to the party). Is it still paranoia if they really are all out to get you? The last two weeks have given me the worst luck, and instead of brushing it off and getting on with it I've instead been looking for the trigger, and so far I've come up with this: I'm a bad person and it's all my fault (oh, OCD, I wasn't aware you were hosting the party!!!).
Writing this down I can see how dramatic it all sounds, but I genuinely believe that I must be a bad person? Why would karma punish a good person? This is not a new belief, it's one I've held for many years, and which has been enforced by many different situations and people throughout my life. Recently I had decided to just ignor this thought and get on with life, bad person or not, the last 2 weeks have made this a very difficult challenge. My brain is being twisted in different directions and new thoughts are starting to creep in. A bad person, I'm a bad person, but I don't want to be, so what should I do?
Oh I know I know (OCD, is jumping up and down waving a hand eagerly like that know-it-all at school) I should give in and try and always do the right thing, and I do this by pleasing all the people all of the time no matter the personal sacrifice. It's a great plan, can't see how that's gonna screw me over and make things worse, can you?????????? Damn my brain.
So what to do? I'm finally at a place in my life where I feel like a real adult able to make real decisions about what I want, and realising I don't have to please other people. I'm finally figuring out that I don't have to have that child's mentality of seeking approval and respecting those who couldn't care less about me. And the Wham (the mental sound affect, not the band), I'm right back at the beginning, making sure everyone's happy, even when they hurt me or upset me or disappoint. Bending over backward to make sure no one feels left out or unhappy. Why am I doing this? I'm doing it to change my karma, because the bad luck fairy is kicking my arse and I need a way to kill her!!!!!!!
Logically I know this will not end well for me, the cracks are already showing. The bad luck fairy has a smug grin on her face waiting for me to fail, and we both know I will. I say something or think something bad and then I'll get my comeuppance. OCD is a nightmare, it's got me in a tight hold, in a battle of good v's Evil, a battle that doesn't even exsist, only in the tiny dark corner of my mind. Yet I see my misfortune everywhere, and I'm slowly losing all the positives. I'm missing so much by focusing on so little.
For now I'm going to just hold on, get through the holidays, and then it's time for change!!! No idea what yet, but it's coming! There maybe casualties of this war, and sacrifices to be made, but I intend to win this one.
So look out OCD, youve got 3 weeks to vacate the premises and then I'm coming in, all guns blazing.
I'm obsessed with karma, or in my case bad karma. Obviously I'm a bad person, or so my brain informs me! All things happen for a reason, usually as a response to something you've said or done, cause and effect, so with that in mind (in an addled obsessed crazed mind) it means that everything that has happened has been an effect of something I have done, thus bad karma! Are you still with me?
I'm not the most optimistic person on the planet, but at the moment I feel like the glass is beyond half empty, it's well and truly empty, smashed and wine spilt all over the floor (which I will end up having to clean up myself, no doubt!). Maybe it's the OCD (it's the OCD) and maybe I'm concerntrating so much on the negatives I'm missing the positives, maybe. On the other hand maybe it's just all negative (hello OCD, welcome to the party). Is it still paranoia if they really are all out to get you? The last two weeks have given me the worst luck, and instead of brushing it off and getting on with it I've instead been looking for the trigger, and so far I've come up with this: I'm a bad person and it's all my fault (oh, OCD, I wasn't aware you were hosting the party!!!).
Writing this down I can see how dramatic it all sounds, but I genuinely believe that I must be a bad person? Why would karma punish a good person? This is not a new belief, it's one I've held for many years, and which has been enforced by many different situations and people throughout my life. Recently I had decided to just ignor this thought and get on with life, bad person or not, the last 2 weeks have made this a very difficult challenge. My brain is being twisted in different directions and new thoughts are starting to creep in. A bad person, I'm a bad person, but I don't want to be, so what should I do?
Oh I know I know (OCD, is jumping up and down waving a hand eagerly like that know-it-all at school) I should give in and try and always do the right thing, and I do this by pleasing all the people all of the time no matter the personal sacrifice. It's a great plan, can't see how that's gonna screw me over and make things worse, can you?????????? Damn my brain.
So what to do? I'm finally at a place in my life where I feel like a real adult able to make real decisions about what I want, and realising I don't have to please other people. I'm finally figuring out that I don't have to have that child's mentality of seeking approval and respecting those who couldn't care less about me. And the Wham (the mental sound affect, not the band), I'm right back at the beginning, making sure everyone's happy, even when they hurt me or upset me or disappoint. Bending over backward to make sure no one feels left out or unhappy. Why am I doing this? I'm doing it to change my karma, because the bad luck fairy is kicking my arse and I need a way to kill her!!!!!!!
Logically I know this will not end well for me, the cracks are already showing. The bad luck fairy has a smug grin on her face waiting for me to fail, and we both know I will. I say something or think something bad and then I'll get my comeuppance. OCD is a nightmare, it's got me in a tight hold, in a battle of good v's Evil, a battle that doesn't even exsist, only in the tiny dark corner of my mind. Yet I see my misfortune everywhere, and I'm slowly losing all the positives. I'm missing so much by focusing on so little.
For now I'm going to just hold on, get through the holidays, and then it's time for change!!! No idea what yet, but it's coming! There maybe casualties of this war, and sacrifices to be made, but I intend to win this one.
So look out OCD, youve got 3 weeks to vacate the premises and then I'm coming in, all guns blazing.
Sunday, 18 November 2012
I'm back!!!!
Oops, sorry campers, I went for a hike in the ocd forest and got myself a bit lost, has taken me a couple of weeks but I'm back and ready to start our lovely fireside stories once again. So grab your blankets, snuggle round and I shall begin...........
The ocd forest is very large and very diverse, it's full of wonderfully imaginative ways to keep you trapped, and I'll be first to admit, I'm a little gullible when it comes to my ocd, in fact if my ocd told me that the word gullible had been removed from the dictionary I'd probably go and look. I'm an easy target. It doesn't help that I'm sleep deprived due to a change in sleeping arrangements with our 19 month old son, we've moved him into his own room and he's deciding to check I'm there every couple of hours *sigh*
Lack of sleep means more time to think, which is great, until you realise that everything, every thought can be misinterpreted by ocd. I'm in a slump. I'm talking myself round in circles about nothing in particular, it's ridiculous.
One of my (many) problems is making decisions, or making the right decision. This will blow your mind, what happens to the decision you didn't make? At the moment my mind is obsessed with this. Simple example, I chose pork for lunch today, but what if I'd chosen beef? Would dinner have been earlier? If so does that mean I wouldn't have finished the dinning area? Etc etc etc. but now I'm replaying ever decision I've ever made, trying to figure out the out come to all the other decisions I didn't make. It a very dangerous game.
Ocd is full of what ifs, but my mind is flirting with danger checking out all the ifs. It will be my own sorry fault if my brain explodes!!! It's a ripple effect, you get trapped, well and truly entrenched, because one thought leads to another. All decisions lead to other decisions, so what if you had chosen something else? What would have been the knock on sessions you didn't get to make? If you'd known what the other decisions were would you have made the initial decision? But most of all, when you close one door, where does it go? What happens to that decision? Does it split off into a parallel universe where your alter ego makes the opposite choice and now lives a slightly different (or completely different) version of your life? If so how many other universes are there?
I hope there are alternate realities, because then hopefully in one of them I'm making all the right choices!
My brain is so stuffed with this nonsense about all of my decisions it's difficult to think. Every time I'm making a choice I feel the small burn of anxiety in the pit of my stomach because I know when I make a decision the other choice is lost forever!!!! Just thinking about it is making me tense up.
Well that's it from me tonight. I'm tired and need to get some shut eye before bobo comes and wakes me at some ridiculous hour of the morning that I didn't even know it existed!
Night night and happy camping, and I promise, no more long hikes in the woods ;)
The ocd forest is very large and very diverse, it's full of wonderfully imaginative ways to keep you trapped, and I'll be first to admit, I'm a little gullible when it comes to my ocd, in fact if my ocd told me that the word gullible had been removed from the dictionary I'd probably go and look. I'm an easy target. It doesn't help that I'm sleep deprived due to a change in sleeping arrangements with our 19 month old son, we've moved him into his own room and he's deciding to check I'm there every couple of hours *sigh*
Lack of sleep means more time to think, which is great, until you realise that everything, every thought can be misinterpreted by ocd. I'm in a slump. I'm talking myself round in circles about nothing in particular, it's ridiculous.
One of my (many) problems is making decisions, or making the right decision. This will blow your mind, what happens to the decision you didn't make? At the moment my mind is obsessed with this. Simple example, I chose pork for lunch today, but what if I'd chosen beef? Would dinner have been earlier? If so does that mean I wouldn't have finished the dinning area? Etc etc etc. but now I'm replaying ever decision I've ever made, trying to figure out the out come to all the other decisions I didn't make. It a very dangerous game.
Ocd is full of what ifs, but my mind is flirting with danger checking out all the ifs. It will be my own sorry fault if my brain explodes!!! It's a ripple effect, you get trapped, well and truly entrenched, because one thought leads to another. All decisions lead to other decisions, so what if you had chosen something else? What would have been the knock on sessions you didn't get to make? If you'd known what the other decisions were would you have made the initial decision? But most of all, when you close one door, where does it go? What happens to that decision? Does it split off into a parallel universe where your alter ego makes the opposite choice and now lives a slightly different (or completely different) version of your life? If so how many other universes are there?
I hope there are alternate realities, because then hopefully in one of them I'm making all the right choices!
My brain is so stuffed with this nonsense about all of my decisions it's difficult to think. Every time I'm making a choice I feel the small burn of anxiety in the pit of my stomach because I know when I make a decision the other choice is lost forever!!!! Just thinking about it is making me tense up.
Well that's it from me tonight. I'm tired and need to get some shut eye before bobo comes and wakes me at some ridiculous hour of the morning that I didn't even know it existed!
Night night and happy camping, and I promise, no more long hikes in the woods ;)
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