So tense you can call me a campsite

OK, so I'm going to start with a joke!!
I know I know, you've probably heard it, but I think we can all do with a giggle, so here goes


You can never run through a campsite, you can only ran, because it's past tents

boom boom

Well it made me laugh anyway :)

So what's been happening around the campsite this last month? Well, thank you for asking. We've been having a bit of a festival with some entertainment tents, log fires and marshmallows. The festival was called Brainstock, with all the entertainment based in 3 different sets of tents:

Past tents

Present tents

Future tents

(can you see where this is going???)

You see, nothing here on the ocd campsite is ever straight forward, but sometimes we like to have a bit of fun, well the ocd does at any rate.

The festival was great, lots to do, in fact too much to do, so I didn't get to see everything. That's always the way though, isn't it? You never see it all, you never get the whole picture, it's all down to interpretation and experience. And even if you could see it all, would it make sense anyway? Needless to say, due to time restraints and other commitments I was forced to choose which tents to partake in and which I would have to miss out on.

It occurs to me, it's like a music festival and you have to choose which stage you want to watch, so you stick with what you know, or try something new and hope you enjoy it? Maybe start easy, this is my first Brainstock after all, maybe I'll stick to what I know and start off in the past tents and then if I have time move on to the future tents. Hhhhmmmmm but then I miss the present, should I be missing out on that? It's something I miss out on a lot, so maybe I should try something different, maybe try present and then back to the comfort of the past. But then I'd miss the future because I'd be spending to much time in the past tents.
OK so future followed by present? Ah but then the future tents can be very unreliable, and the line up isn't always what you are expecting, so then I would have wasted time there and missed a lot of the present and completely missed the past.

Choices choices. Which tents should I be picking? If only I could separate out my brain, my heart and my soul, as they would each be content going into their own sections.
My heart would love the future
My Brain would think the present is fantastic
And my soul would simply take flight in the past.

Or would they?

The more I think about it, the more I wonder which part of me is eager for which ticket, maybe my heart aches for the past and my brain would storm with delight in the future and my soul would quite simply like to meditate in the present. Oh no, maybe they all want all the tickets too and that's why I can't make a decision. It's easier to make a choice if you know what one part of you wants.

People always say "go with your gut" (I think that's your soul talking) or "follow your heart" or "listen to your brain", but what if all three are saying "I just don't know where I want to be" each of them telling the other to make a decision (I am, in general, very bad at making decisions, so it should be no surprise that my organs find it hard too!!!)

So, how to make a decision? Pros and Cons, that's what I'll do. I'll make a list of pros and con's for each tent and then pick one to stay in and enjoy. Right then, here goes:


                                       Pros                                                         cons

Past tents             I know it and it's comfy                            It can get quite
                                                                                             unhealthy and dark

Present tents         It's alive and happening                           Can be a little scary
                                                                                                and unexpected

Future tents          Can be planned and organised                 Doesn't always stick
                                                                                              to script, ad libs a lot



Well, hmmm, there we have it, a list. So on each one I'm liking the pros but totally hating the cons. It's not helped as much as I thought it would, but I can see now how each tent works, which is not something I've really thought about before.

I've organised a festival in my campground and now I'm unsure which of the area's I want to be in. Is this progress? Before all of this, while the beasts and bears were trashing the place I could have told you where I wanted to be in a heart beat, I would have run straight to the past tents and hidden out in a dark corner, seeking some kind of comfort in it, looking for clues as to what to do next, finding excuses to stay here, dwelling in the past, haunting my own background. Darkness and self pity the main attraction on stage with a warm up act of self hatred and denial.

As much as I'm still drawn to that tent, to the comfort of knowing what to expect, I'm not sure I belong there any more, or that I ever did. Maybe it's like being a Fleetwood Mac fan at an Iron Maiden concert, you might like the music, but you know you don't really belong there, and after a while even the music doesn't keep you there, so why stay?

Is that it, is this me leaving the concert? Am I moving away from the past tents? Is that why I'm finding it so hard to find out where to go? Have I just turned in to the festival version of a hobo?

I feel sad, as I'm writing this, it's dawning on me that I'm letting go, and I feel sad. I'm not entirely there yet, and I can't promise I won't sneak a peek once in a while, or that I won't sing along to one of the pasts catchy tunes, but I think its time. It's time to be a little scared and a little excited. I don't know if I belong in the present tents or the future tents, maybe I can decide that at the next brainstock, but I now know where I don't belong, and I think maybe I never did belong there.

I feel sad, I feel like I'm losing a part of me, that I'm grieving for an old friend, but that too will pass. Yes, there is past tents, and yes I have my memories, but I'm starting to feel like I don't have to visit that section of the festival any more, and in a way, that in it's self is a decision, and I'm mightily glad of that.

The bear truth of where I have been

Helllooooooooo, anybody there????? 

*pokes head out from hiding place*

Phew, they’ve gone, well at least for now.

Sorry folks, camp closed down for a while due to an infestation of brain beasts. We had the common variety anxiety bears, they like to come into the camp and worry at it. Then there were the grizzly ocd bears who got in to everything and made a right old mess of the camp ground. And while all this was going on, those sneaky little depression critters snuck in to the tents and made nests. All in all it left the site in a state of absolute chaos and on the brink of destruction!!

The good news is that park rangers have been deployed, most of the bears have been or are in the process of being rehomed in new locations away from the site and those pesky critters have been chased out by vermin control. Humane traps are being laid and the campsite is being rebuilt, hopefully this time with better defences!! I’m currently in the process of learning how the early detection warning siren works J

So how did this happen, how did these pests get in? Well that’s easy, they used stealth. A cunning strategic mix of acceptance and sneak! Like everything in life, if you allow it to become the norm then it becomes the norm.

Let me explain.

So there we are, sitting around the campfire, enjoying some slow roasted marshmallows, comfortable and drowsy, listening to the sounds that surround us every day, when all of a sudden we hear an unusual sort of sound, a low snuffling sort of sound. The sound comes closer and closer and we all sit still waiting to see what’s coming.............

Then it stops

Ok, all back to our marshmallows, panic over. We laugh a little, half out of nervousness, something we don’t know and don’t entirely trust had tried to enter our peaceful camp, but it’s ok now, it’s gone. And we carry on as normal.

The next night we hear it again, and again we stop roasting our marshmallows and we listen, waiting half in curiosity, half in anxiety. What is it? What is waiting for us just out of view? And just like that it disappears again.

After a few nights of the same snuffling we stop paying attention, oh there it is again, never mind, let’s just carry on roasting and telling stories.

We are now comfortable with that sound, with the unknown, skulking around the perimeter of our campsite, never showing itself but making itself known. We stop paying attention to it, stop noticing it altogether; it becomes just another background noise until.........................

Wasn’t it just one snuffling before? When did it become lots of snuffling and branch breaking? When did the sounds start coming from all around us? But we’re alright though, I mean, it’s not like they are causing us any harm, right?

All the time we believe that whatever it is will stay on the boundary, just out of sight. More dangerously we believe that it is only one type of creature. It hasn’t occurred to us that there might be more than one type of bear stalking these woods!!

So happily we camp, we carry on our everyday business, all the time aware that something isn’t right, but all the time ignoring it in the hope it goes away. But it doesn’t go away; in fact it does something unexpected........

A BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a bear in camp, quick, run, hide, panic, oh no, I can’t remember what to do if a bear comes in to camp!! I know I’ve been told, and even shown, but in the heat of the moment I can’t remember what to do. But wait a minute; the bear looks a bit confused too. It’s just standing there, watching us fleeing, probably wondering what we are doing.

Then the bear just turns and walks away.

We thank our lucky stars. That was close; we gather around the fire and compare notes. But in the confusion we all seem to have different stories. Was the bear angry or sad, scary or not. It’s all so jumbled even I’m not sure of my own feelings about the bear.

The next day the bear comes again. This time we wearily move out of its way, but there is less panic, more curiosity. I mean, it’s not even like the bear seems to mind us.

The bear comes every day and eventually even starts to feel like part of the camp. We’ve even started to feed the bear, encourage its attendance, even, dare I say it, started to like the bear. I wonder if you can train a bear??? I mean if it was a pet bear it wouldn’t be so dangerous, would it? Once you get control of it it can work for you, couldn’t it?

We start to find the bear a comfort

We forget the bear is dangerous

Until one day..........................................................................................

So yes, camp was brought to its knees, was brought to the brink of destruction, but the worst part is, I can’t blame the bears.

After all, I invited them in

New Year, same old me :)

As the clocks tick over to midnight and we prepare to celebrate the coming of a new year we also prepare to tell ourselves the biggest lie of the year....

New year, new me!

I'm gonna lose weight
I'm gonna give up smoking/chocolate/wine/crisps
I'm gonna get fit
I'm gonna learn to ski/swim/hand glide

On the 1st it's all 'new me new me'
By the 15th it's all 'bugger it, I gave it a go'
It's a rare sight to see a New Years resolution survive past January, an even rarer one past march!

So what's the answer?

New year, ME

Just me

Me with all my faults and clumsiness.
Me with all my likes and dislikes

Whether you like me or hate me
Want me in your life or out
Talk every day or once a year
Moving away or yet to move near
Shared a laugh or a tear with me

This year I'm me.
I might lose weight, I might gain it
I might get fit or I might eat a packet of biscuits

But why can't I just be me? Why do I have to be a new me?
If I stop being old me am I still me?

How can you expect those that love you to still love you if you stop being you?

Or is everyone changing in the new year for someone else's benefit?

I hope not!!

A new you for someone else is just an unhappy old you and a dissatisfied new them! There's a saying "you can't please all of the people all of the time" and it's true, try it. The only guaranteed outcome is a very exhausted unhappy you! Is that the new you you were looking for?

Thought not!!

Try being you, that will make you happy and the welcome side affect that comes with it is that if you are happy, those who matter, those who care will be happy too, because your happiness will become infectious!!
No more people pleasing
No more new you

I won't be wishing to be a new me, I don't think I deserve that kind of punishment or disappointment. I all honesty, life is stressful enough without adding unachievable targets too.

If you love me, care about me or are even slightly aware of my existence, then I'm sure you'll be happy that I'm sticking to being me.

So happy new year, see all of you next year, and hopefully still recognise you all!!!!!

Good journey through 2015

OCD Awareness Week day 5

Rush rush rush rush

I feel like the bloomin' white rabbit

"My whiskers and paws, I'm late"

I wonder if he really was late or whether he was just like me, so anxious to never be late, he always felt he was running late?

"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date, I know I am I'm sure I am, I'm late I'm late I'm late"

But does it really matter being late? What are the real consequences?

Well surely that all depends on the circumstances. If your late meeting a friend the consequences are far different than being late to court, or a funeral. It's all perspective

And that's what's missing with OCD, perspective!!!!!

Sure we've got 20:20 vision in hindsight, but perspective? Nope, not a jot! Not one tiny little mini iddy bit. Nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch!

You see, here is the difference between you and me.

You get ready at a reasonable time, maybe push it right to the wire.

I get ready about a 3 hours too early and spend the rest of the time fretting.

You turn up early/on time/late oops, oh well make your apologies, move on, enjoy your evening

I turn up incredibly early and lie telling people "oh no, I've not been waiting long, no really I just got here myself" when really I got there at least 30 mins before and spent that time worrying I had got the wrong time/date/place!!!!!

It's tiring, it's exhausting. There are times I've cancelled going out because the thought of being late was overwhelming, did I mention I cancelled 5 hours before the time!!!!
It's stressful, and it's absurd, but what did I say? No perspective!

I have unreasonable expectations of myself and of how I should shape the world around me! I have delusional ideas of perfection, I don't have perspective.

So here's the thing, when/if you find yourself dealing with someone in the throws of an OCD episode, don't use the term "can't you see what your doing" because, no we can't, we are blind! We have no perspective!!

In that time our actions are a result of an (almost always) unrealistic threat. We cannot see past that.

So no, we cannot see
No, we cannot "just get over it"
No, we cannot move on

We need help, we need understand, we need perspective!!!!

OCD Awareness Week day 4

How can you hide?

It's easy, behind a tree, under a bed, in a cupboard. Hide and seek is a great game to play, the fun and anticipation of being found or doing the finding, as children it was one of the best games.

As adults we still play it. We still hide, we still seek.

With OCD the game takes a dark twist. What we hide becomes dangerous, what we seek becomes impossible.

OCD is a hidden illness, something to be concealed, covered up. Because believe it or not, we are aware of what we are doing. It makes sense to us, but we know it won't make sense to you. So we hide it, keep silent, don't share, become secretive and BOOM the ocd has got us!!!

If we can't talk about it it means we internalise it, handing the power to the OCD. Keeping quiet allows it to develop, twist and control, to convince us to carry on spiralling out of control. It convinces us that no one understands, I mean, listen to the way they joke about it!

" No one will take you seriously, they think you are just being silly, so shush, don't speak up, stay here with me, I'll keep you safe"

And so we suffer, in silence, in darkened turmoil. Never speaking out, never asking for help. What's the point, you'll just laugh at me or tell me to get over it!!

That's what making light of an illness does, keeps it secret, keeps it stigmatised, keeps it abusing!! If we can't talk about it we can't ask for help.

I mustn't feel tired, or disappointed,  or sad.
 Instead I must be cheerful and happy and glad.
I mustn't wallow or scream or cry.
Instead I must smile and wipe my eyes dry.
I mustn't show rage or anger or dread.
Instead I must keep it all in my head.
I mustn't let others see my despair.
Instead I must show my kindness and care.
I mustn't show hurt or pain or fear.
instead I must pretend I'm not here.

#ocdawarenessweek
#thatsocd

OCD awareness week day 3 still

So ocd, is it laughing matter?

No, yes, maybe..........oh hang on, I'm confused.

My OCD is a flipping nightmare to put it mildly. At one point it almost killed me. That's definitely no laughing matter.
My brain had me so convinced that the whole entire world was better off with out me, that the only thing I was good at was causing harm that I decided to end it all. Not my finest hour I'll admit, but one of my darkest. No laughter, no funniness. Just bleakness, darkness and a whole lot of self loathing.

Obviously things turned around and I'm no longer in that place any more. The world no longer seems scary and dark, although I still have days where the storms gather. I know that there is light and that I can survive, I try to live my life regardless of that obnoxious haunting voice in my head. And yes there are even days where I can laugh at my ocd, see the stupidity in it a even have a chuckle, sometimes my poor exasperated hubby laughs at my ocd, it becomes like a private joke between us, a secret laughter. It's sounds strange I know, but there are actually days when my ocd seems so ridiculous that I have to laugh, have to roll my eyes and say "can you believe I actually said/did/thought that" and have a giggle. It's always retrospective!!
So yes, I can laugh, we can laugh, it's funny to laugh with someone.

It is not ok to laugh at someone, therefore it is not ok to laugh at someone's illness, to make light of a serious illness.

How many comedians start a joke with

"did you hear about the man with lung cancer that had half his lung removed"? Nothing funny there.

"Did you hear about the girl with sever learning difficulties"? Nope still not a funny opener

So why is it ok to joke about ocd. Apparently it's the funniest illness going!!! Apparently everyone is 'a little bit ocd' so it's ok to make a joke, find it funny, belittle it.

Well actually, no, not everyone is 'a little bit ocd' maybe they just like things tidy or organised. Maybe they just like things neat. That's ok, there's nothing wrong with being neat, neat is good, means you don't keep stepping on odd bits of duplo (I have a 3 year old!) neat is nice. Neat isn't very funny, it's just neat, maybe even (dare I say it) anal!! But it doesn't make you OCD!!!!

There is nothing funny about an illness that can be fatal, that ruin lives, tortures whole families. We don't need laughter, we need understanding.

So can you laugh at my ocd, well yes if it affects you directly and makes me look silly and gives us a laugh, then sure it's fine.

Can you laugh at ocd in general and make jokes about it?

Well what do you think?

Call for change, get educated and destroy the stigma.

It's ocd awareness week, help fight for change!!!

#thatsOCD
#ocdawarenessweek
#ocdawareness

OCD Awareness Week day 3

I'm totally exhausted
I give in you win I lose
Just give me peace just let me be
For once just let me choose

Stop giving me confusion
Abuse and use, I lose
Just let me out, give me a chance
For once just let me choose

Stop yelling I can't hear you
You scream, I scream I lose
Just quiet down in fact shut up
For once just let me choose

Don't fight me any more
You pull I fall I lose
This war is getting to be to much
For once just let me choose

Just once just let me choose
I push you shush you lose
One battle down, I know your weak
Now's the time to choose

Ocd awareness week day 2

"If I tell you a secret can you keep it?"

That's how my ocd always starts the conversation!!

It's always a secret!

"If you tell anyone it will make it worse, just keep quite and do what I say"

It's a hostage situation, my brain is literally holding me hostage!

The problem really starts when you get an ocd version of Stockholm syndrome, you start to believe you can't live live with out the ocd, that you somehow need it, it's what keeps you/loved ones safe. That it's somehow helping!

How do you stop? How do you break away from something so ingrained into your life, your home, your brain?

The first, biggest and hardest step is recognising what's going on and fighting back. It's hard to break away, to give up something that you consider to be part of you. After all if you stop being ocd who will you be???

And that's the point! We are not OCD, we suffer from it!! But as a sufferer, the ocd can convince you that it's an intrinsic part of who you are. It can turn into quite the vicious cycle.

It takes tremendous hard work, great support and a network of professionals, but it can be done, it can be overcome.

Education is the key, mass education, not only of professionals, but of the general public too.

The more people that understand ocd, understand the consequence of ocd, the less stigmatised it will be.

No longer will ocd be the butt of jokes or a way to describe tidiness or neatness. The term "a little bit ocd" would no longer be acceptable, instead it would be widely accepted that ocd is a serious illness, one that needs to be recognised and treated as swiftly as any other illness.

The only way this can happen is by mass awareness, mass education.

Don't be part of the problem, be part of the solution

Get educated!

#ocduk
#ocdawarenessweek
#ocdawareness
#thatsocd

Ocd awareness week!

Imagine the scenario:

Two people

One person constantly beats on the other

Constantly tells the other they're stupid/not worth anything/good for nothing/ pointless/fat/hurtful/neglectful

Constantly gets the other into harmful/high risk situations

Constantly isolates the other

Constantly shouts and screams at the other

Constantly mistreats/neglects the other

One abuser one abused

What advice would you give to the abused?

It's easy right? Tell them to leave, tell them there is help out there, refuges, protection

You wouldn't laugh would you?

You wouldn't make a flippant joke about it would you?

You wouldn't make it the butt of a joke would you?

Now imagine that scenario but it's all one person, the abuser and the abused is one person!

That is OCD

The bully and the bullied

The abuser and the abused

Still ok to make a joke about OCD?

End the stigma #thatsocd #ocdawarenessweek. #ocduk

Blog Hopping for Hope

Hope,

I hope it doesn't rain today. I hope Kylie's new album is good, I hope bob smith wins pop factor. I hope my parcel comes. I hope I don't burn the cake. I hope it's not to far. I hope the shop is still open.

Hope: a word that is easily tossed into conversation, an idly wish.

According to Collins dictionary:
Hope,

Definitions
noun
(sometimes plural) a feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfilment   ⇒ his hope for peace was justified, their hopes were dashed
a reasonable ground for this feeling   ⇒ there is still hope
a person or thing that gives cause for hope
a thing, situation, or event that is desired   ⇒ my hope is that prices will fall
See not a hope

verb
(transitive; takes a clause as object or an infinitive) to desire (something) with some possibility of fulfilment   ⇒ we hope you can come, I hope to tell you
(intransitive) often foll by for to have a wish (for a future event, situation, etc)
(transitive; takes a clause as object) to trust, expect, or believe   ⇒ we hope that this is satisfactory

Synonyms of Hope: Utopia, achievement, ambition, anticipation, aspiration, assumption, belief, bright side, buoyancy, castles in air, concern, confidence, daydream, dependence, desire, endurance, expectancy, expectation, faith, fancy, fool's paradise, fortune, gain, goal, greedy glutton, hopefulness, light at end of tunnel, optimism, pipe dream, promise, promised land, prospect, reliance, reverie, reward, rosiness, sanguineness, security, stock, thing with feathers, wish

My favourite of these synonyms are Belief, Faith, Hopefulness, Security and Wish.

As a sufferer of OCD and as a child of a parent with a mental health disorder, these words often come to mind, not as a idle thought or a whimsical gesture, but as tools, great tools to aid awareness and recovery.

Don't get me wrong, I too use them on a whim, "I wish it would stop raining" "I hope hubby remembers the bread" and so forth, but I also value the real meaning of these words and what they can achieve. I have sat in the darkness, praying and wishing and hoping. I have been to the edge, at times feeling like I may literally tip over the edge, willingly, just to get it over and done with.

I have lost hope and worshipped despair, had self harm and low worth as my idols, prayed for suffering instead of recovery when I believed there was no way out. I have been to the very depths of my ocd, fought against that demon and then willingly surrendered my power to it.

To lose Hope is to lose faith, faith in yourself and your strength. To lose Hope is to lose yourself, and I almost did.
It took a long time to climb back up, to be honest I'm still climbing. I know I have a long way to go, and some days I slip (sometimes willingly, indulgently) back a little way. But I still climb, I use all my weapons to fight against it, and one of those weapons is Hope.

Some of you may already know that I spent a little time locked in a mental health unit. I had given up, couldn't see anyway out of the suffering and so selfishly made the decision to end it all, for myself and those around me. Being admitted to the hospital I couldn't see the point in everyone's concern and time, after all, I was worth nothing! But day by day I began to realise something, people weren't giving up on me, staff and family and friends kept going, kept pushing, because they had faith. They had hope, hope for me, hope I would see the light, faith I would start to fight. And their hope and belief slow became contagious, spreading through me until I could see it too. I started to see that I could grow stronger, that I could fight back. It gave me Hope. So much so, that on my first day home I bought a necklace engraved with the three most important words I knew:

Hope, Strength, Knowledge.

These 3 words have served me well, work as a reminder that there is always hope even if it's not your own, that you can always find strength even if you need to borrow it and that knowledge is important, knowledge of your illness, treatments and support available, but most importantly knowledge of yourself!

Hope is such a little word, sometimes even insignificant, but if you look closely you can see it everywhere, and where you don't see it you can bring it. So if someone you know has list hope please give them some of yours, you never know how much of a difference it can make!

My hope for myself is to eventually get better, my hope for you is that you take something from this and pass on the hope.

This Blog is part of a blog hop, of a greater exploration of the word HOPE in the world of OCD, please go to http://obsessivelycompulsivelyyours.wordpress.com/2014/01/19/the-first-ocd-blog-hop/
And see what my good friend Bellsie and others have to say on the subject of Hope.

Happy New Year

Well, it's that time of year, a time to have a glimpse of the past year and pass some much needed 20:20 vision judgement! So what did 2013 hold? A roller coaster of emotions, a lot to toing and froing to London, some happy moments, sad moments and possibly the most scary moment of my life to date. I can honestly say I would rather pull my toenails out with pliers than relive some of 2013.
A year of mixed blessings. I was lucky enough to witness a very good friend (and fellow warrior) finally find some happiness and get married, what a wonderful day that was, and such an emotional day to see her so happy :) I'm lucky to have her in my life and call her friend.

A wonderful holiday in March with my family was great fun, even with the snow and cold!! What a great time we had, a great time also for our bobo to spend quality time with his grandmum. We loved it and can't wait to do it again, and how lucky we are to be able to.........

The most dominating aspect of the year, and certainly the most challenging was the very unwelcome return of my mums breast cancer!! After 10 years it was a bolt out of the blue. My amazing mum fought hard and long, through 2 major operations and the emotional roller coaster and the unbelievable fact that she had to go through it again. What a wonderful woman she is. I think the women in our family have a strong fighting gene. We don't let things stop us or get in the way. We deal with what life throws at us and move on, stronger and wiser.
It was heartbreaking, to sit and watch my mother have to take on all this information, face another mastectomy and all that goes with it, but the one of the very worst moments was sitting in the waiting room after talking to the consultant and watching my mum trying not to cry. Even now it brings tears, my mum, the ever strong, find the humour in life, sitting in a grim waiting room trying not to cry. For the first time in 10 years I wished I wasn't an adult, wished I could be hidden from the horrors of life, shielded by my mum, comforted by her and told everything would be ok. Instead here I was, a grown woman trying to comfort her mother, to tell her everything would be ok, shielding her from my own worries and fears. Oh to be a child again, innocent to all this suffering and drama!!

But we did it, she did it. She fought on and in October she was given the all clear, no more treatment, no more cancer, finally it had come to an end. A huge relief to us all, I have my mum back and she is as funny and loving as ever, and all I hope was that I was a comfort and support to her when she needed it as she has always been to me!!

Through all this drama and stress I was lucky enough to have some of the most wonderful people around.

Firstly my magnificent, hard working, stupidly funny, exceedingly supportive, kind, caring husband. Poor hubby used all his holiday and more to look after our son while I went back and forth with mum, but he did much more than that. He gave me the support and love that I needed and a good kick up the bum when necessary! His words and actions always showing me that I was cared for and supported, showing me that I too am a fighter, that I have inherited that warrior gene (although I sometimes think he wishes I'd either move to the amazon or shut up and sit down lol).
He gave me strength when I thought I had none. This has been a tough year for us, but we are strong and he is my rock. I feel incredibly lucky to have him and my son.

My son has been a source of great humour and love this year, he has made even the most invariable days worth living for, his smile, his misunderstanding of minute (as in small, he says 'Joshie's newt' as he though I said 'my newt' so now 'Joshie's newt' means something very small lol). I live him so much and cannot imagine life without him. I love my cuddles and kisses, our snuggle time, but most of all, I love our family time together :) lucky lucky me!!!!

My friends, my amazing friends!! Well what can I say about them??? You're all crazy lol. What fantastic support and love you have shown me. What fun we have had. Thank you for the smiles, the laughter, the understanding. Thank you for keeping me company while I sat alone in the hospital waiting on news of mum, texting me and helping me through it. Having constant companions was a huge help!! Keeping me entertained with tales of another life, and still loving me despite my love of Elvis ;) you mean a lot to me, always will.

One particular friend I have special thanks for. I am lucky to call her best friend, she is amazing!!!!! I'm not gonna go on as I've already told her how wonderful she is, but without her I'd be lost. She has pulled my out of some messes, picked me up, dusted me off, told me off and put my head back on straight just before kicking my arse and telling me to get a grip. I love you!!!!!!! Thank you.

This year has been crazy. Sometimes we have to live through crazy to appreciate what is truly important in life, and I think I'm getting there. I might not be where I want to be, but I think I'm learning to be happy where I am!! So what for next year? Well, weddings, charity photo shoot, art, photography, parties, family, friends, holidays, adventure, but most of all living my life and learning to be me!!!

I leave you all with a new poem as we leave this old year

2013,
what a year
Of pain and joy
Laughter and fear
The very worst moments
Times that we cheered
Times that we cried
And smiled and feared
Challenges brought
Battles we won
Sitting and playing
Just having fun
Moments of silence
Moments of peace
Moments of chaos
Merriment and feast
2013
You're finished, you're done
I don't look back fondly
On what has gone on
Instead I look forward
Without any fear
And I think to myself
I'll have My New Year
No more excuse
No more what ifs
Instead count my blessings
Cherish my gifts
This next year will see me
Fight a good fight
This next year will see
My Phoenix take flight
A year filled with happiness
Laughter and cheer
So I say to you all
Have A Happy New Year


See you on the other side x x x

Challenging

Ok, so after a successful ocd awareness week challenging others perceptions of ocd, I decided it was time to challenge my perception of my ow ocd! I have 2 choices, I can control the ocd or it can control me, and so far the ocd has been more in control than I have, so it's time for a change, time to put myself first and take charge, and there is no better way to do that than to completely overload yourself with challenges.

I now have 3 challenges set for myself, each of which will challenge me and my ocd to the max. My first challenge is to get fit, lose weight and start running again. I used to love running, it was a chance to clear my head, push my body and improve my state of mind. Before having Bobo (in fact 1 week pregnant), with the help and encouragement of OCDUK I actually ran the British 10k, something I never believed I would do. But since then, motherhood and ocd have gotten in the way, so tonight I go running for the first time in 3 years. The anxiety of it is killing, what if I'm too slow, what if I make a fool of myself, what if I suck and everyone hates me? What if while I'm out doing something for myself, something bad happens to someone I love? It would be my fault for not being there to stop it or make things better! My ocd brain is screaming at me not to go, but I'm determined to do it, to get out there, work hard and start enjoying running again. I know it's going to be hard work physically and mentally, but if I don't do it I will never achieve my goals and it will just be another victory for the ocd, and I'm sick of ocd winning. Surely it's my turn!

The second challenge is to swim a mile in a lake, something I agreed to in a moment of sheer madness I think, but it serves 2 purposes, firstly raising much needed funds for OCDUK and secondly to challenge my ocd again. Swimming in a lake posses many problems for me, mainly being that I'm so unfit I can hardly swim 10 metres let alone a mile! On top of this is the fear of failure, the fear of turning up late, the fear of drowning and (yes, I know this one is stupid) the fear of fish swimming near me, bluugggghhhhhhh. I have no idea why, but being in the water with fish freaks me out, maybe I watched on too many piranha films lol. So for me this challenge is huge, but hopefully I won't be alone and it's all for a good cause.

My 3rd challenge is organising a photo shoot to raise money for OCDUK. In my head I've got it all planned, but I fear my need for perfection and my ocd are starting to unravel the threads! I'm already panicking, what if I make a huge mess of it? What if it's so badly organised that everyone ends up angry and disappointed? What if no one turns out? What if I write some thing wrong in an email or say something wrong ? What if it's not perfect for everyone? What if what if what if................... My ocd is spinning with delight at this, probably because this one is most important to me. This is my baby and I want it to go well so that we all have fun and raise money and make it a great relaxing day!! I know my friends are there to help, I have an amazing photographer who is understanding and patient, and the support of my wonderful husband. But I still fear the worst, I fear my ocd!
But isn't that the point? To feel the fear and do it anyway. I don't want to be a sufferer any more, I want to be a warrior. I want to fight against ocd, not just for myself, but for everyone affected by it. I might not be able to win the war, but I can fight and hopefully conquer some ground.

I suppose it all comes down to how I deal with my ocd and whether or not I survive my first run tonight!  

Home sweet home

Hey folks, are we all sitting comfortably around the campfire? Well, I think it's time for a sing song,

       "Hhhhhoooommmeeeeee,
        home on the .................."

Oh wait, where is home?

       "Home, Noun
        The place or a place
        where one lives.
        A house or dwelling.
        A family or other group
        living in a house or
        other place.
        A persons country, city
       etc esp viewed as a
       birthplace, a residence
       during ones early years,
       or a place dear to one"
                    Collins Dictionary

There are more definitions, but I'm not sure sports analogies are going to be very useful here.

When a person thinks of home, they usually think of the place they live now, the place they have settled, made a nest, called home. Others think of the place they grew up, no matter where they live, when they return to their birthplace they consider it returning home. Some consider it the country they are from. When returning from holiday or working abroad, they are coming home. Whatever the case, home is usually a place of comfort and security. But what if you don't get that sense from the word 'home', what if, like me, you are a nomad?

I call where I live now 'home' as a generic term, mainly as it's shorter to say "I'm off home" then "I'm going back to the place where I live now". But I never get a sense of settling, of putting down roots. In fact, for me, it's the opposite. I'm always waiting to move on, to get going again. It sounds awful, I know. Here I am, married with a family, and I'm saying I don't feel at home! Don't get me wrong, I love what I have here, and it's no reflection on my family, I just don't like to put down roots or 'making myself at home'. I'm not comfortable staying in one place or not being able to move on. I don't like becoming attached to things because no matter what, eventually you become unattached!!!!!!!

I've always been a nomad, maybe because it means you don't have to work do hard to fit in if you are always moving on. To me, that notion is fantastic. I hate the fact that I have always felt like I don't fit, that I have to try harder then everyone else. I become a chameleon, changing to fit in with every occasion, to make everyone happy. Surely it's easier and less exhausting to keep moving, to purposely be the outsider, because it's painful to be the outsider in your own home!

Home for many is a place to run to when things get tough or you need help or comfort. In these times my instinct is to run away from, not to, home. Maybe that makes me a coward or selfish, but for me it's a way to defend myself, to protect myself against harm. Running away gives me a chance to breath, to get my head straight. That way I can bury the pain deep, hide my weakness and come back fighting. Is this not the way everyone reacts? No? Just me then!!!

As an ocd sufferer I am constantly searching for perfection, another cause of anguish when it comes to 'home'. Home, for me, is where everything should be perfect, has to be right, and the problem is that I can never make home perfect because no matter what I do to make home perfect, I will never be perfect and therefore home will never be perfect with me in it! So instead I shy away from home, always itching to move again, to start off again on another adventure!

Is it any wonder I called this blog a campsite and not a home, or office or other permanent structure?? Maybe even my ocd doesn't feel 'at home'!

I'm still hopeful that one day all this running and adventure will bring me back to where I belong, that one day this long trek will bring me back home!

The week that was OCD Awareness Week!

So this is it, the end of OCD Awareness Week. Was it a success? Was it worth it? Well for Ocduk.org, I hope so, as for me, most definitely. I've had conversations with people that have then wanted to learn more, found out that I have inspired and educated, discovered that I have truly amazing friends and family, and found I can be talked into the most stupid ideas (that don't even involve chocolate!!!!).
I'm proud that I am able to make a difference, even a small one, because I hope that the small changes will ripple out to become one huge change in the perception and treatment of OCD and it's sufferers. So much has already changed, but we need to be greedy, we need to be unafraid of asking for more. We deserve more!
With that in mind, we must not forget what is already being done, the changes that are already afoot. This week saw products being rebranded and saw people standing bravely together to make themselves heard. Many of my friends sporting an OCD Awareness Week banner on their Facebook pages, not because the sufferer from it, but because they believe in, a support, me. What a wonderful thing that is, to know so many care and appreciate me, I hope they know how much I appreciate them!!  And while we are on the subject, I want to show my appreciation for a man called Ashley Fulwood and his truly amazing charity www.ocduk.org. He and the charity do some outstanding work, including organising OCD Awareness Week, as well as support sufferers and guide them in the direction of help! This Charity and it's members are life changing, in fact they are life saving! I know this because they saved my life. They are always there when I need them, not to reassure (because we know that's a no no) but to support and help me, to even listen to my awful whinging and moaning!! I only wish there was more I could do to repay them.

You might think that now the week is over you won't have to listen to me bang on and on and on about OCD, but you'd be wrong. What this week has taught me, more then anything, is that it's an ongoing battle, that I must never give up on myself or on changing others perception of this mental illness. Sometimes it's easier to close your eyes to it, to joke about it, but it's time to change, it's time to get the word out,

OCD is a serious mental illness. It can be overcome with the right treatment and the right attitude. People with OCD have enough to deal with without being stigmatised, judged, humiliated or laughed at. Change a perception and we can change the world!

Poem

Today I wrote a poem in the style of a very famous poet, Dr Seuss!

Ocd I am
Ocd I am
But I do not like to wash my hands
I don't flick switches
Touch my nose
Nor line my pencils
Up in rows
I do not turn the handle twice
Nor insist on certain grains of rice
I do not clean
And bleach
And scrub
I do not live inside my tub
There's more to it
You must see
Than having things in groups of 3
Ocd I am
Ocd I am
I wish that you would understand

 I'm but 1 voice amongst millions, 1 star amongst a universe, 1 pebble in an ocean, but I believe the smallest can make the biggest difference!! Let's make that difference, let's help people to understand the seriousness of mental illness. Support OCD Awareness Week and spread the word

Thank you x

The Beautiful Freak

First of all let me just clarify, I do not think people with OCD or any other mental illness are freaks! Good, now we've got that established let me tell you about this 'beautiful freak'.

One of my favourite songs is Eel's 'Beautiful Freak', has been for a long time, but recently the words have taken on new meaning (something I'm sure Eels didn't intend was for this song to be about me or my OCD lol). One of the verses goes:

 

"Some  people think you have a problem,

But that problem lies only with them,

Just 'cause you are not like the others"

 

and that got me to wondering. Is the OCD what makes me a 'Beautiful Freak' and is the problem theirs and not mine?

 

OCD is a serious mental illness, I know this because it almost cost me everything. It's hard to explain to someone without OCD exactly how it feels, especially when their conception is already swayed by the media's blatant misrepresentation. I mean who wants to be labelled OCD, isn't that just jumping on the bandwagon? It's just so fashionable right now to be 'A little bit OCD'. Well what's the next fashion? I'm a little bit armless? I'm a little bit schizophrenic? No, I'm not being flippant. Why is it OK to generalise, marginalise and even homourise one disability or mental illness and not another? Is it fear of the freak, using humour as a defence? Or do people generally think it's humorous to be mentally ill?

 

Misrepresentation of OCD is often born out of misunderstanding, here is an example of a conversation I once had, I'm sure most sufferers will be familiar:

 

me: "I have OCD"

other: "oh, really, well at least your house is nice and tidy"

me: "no my house is a disorganised mess!"

other: "but you've got OCD, I don't understand"

me: "obviously you don't"

other "but surely it means you are obsessed with being neat and tidy?"

me: "no, it means I have obsessive compulsive disorder. It means that my brain is constantly on the go, it means that I am constantly in a state of anxiety about illogical things. My house is in a mess because it's so exhausting making everything perfect I spend most of my time sat in a corner crying that I'll never be good enough and that I can't make everything perfect!!! Plus there's some other stuff too"

other: "oh, I thought it was just washing your hands and stuff"

me: "you probably think I like flicking light switches too?"

other: "oh, don't you do that then?"

me: "aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrr" *head in hands*

 

If no one speaks up and raises awareness, how can we correct the situation?

 

I'm just as guilty, nearly 10 years ago I sat in a doctors office and was diagnosed with OCD, and I'll be honest, my first thought was "I don't repetitively wash my hands". That's all I knew about obsessive compulsive disorder. I went straight home and google google googled myself sick on anything about OCD, which looking back now, was not the brightest idea I'd ever had. But during this search I came across a little but very informative charity called ocduk.org, and what a difference that made. Armed with proper information I was able to get the help I needed. So now it's time to inform the world.

 

To give people a better understanding of OCD is to change their perception of this illness. No more flippant comments or stigma. No more fashion label. Just a full understanding of this debilitating, cruel illness. I was asked about OCD this week and once they heard about my experiences and the charity, they wanted to go and find out about it, to become better informed. I only wish more people were like that. I've had my fair share of rudeness or flippant comments made. I've even lost friends and I've been hurt and upset, trying to figure out what to do, how to make them feel better about it. But then I realised, that's just the OCD talking!

 

All we can do is try to educate people about this illness and be there to support other sufferers when they are ready, to show them there are more of us and that they are not alone. It's time to get the word out, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a serious mental illness. It's not a quirk or a life style choice. We do not choose to act or think the way we do, and no one will ever understand each individuals actions or reasons behind them. So it's time for less judgement and more tolerance. And even if after the world is educated, people still have a problem or choose to ignore the seriousness of it, well, then I just need to remember: I'm not like all of the others, I might be a beautiful freak, but that's their problem, Ive got enough of my own!!





It's Serious

Here is a poem I wrote in support of OCD Awareness Week. It's called "It's Serious". Enjoy

I have obsessive compulsive disorder,
It really is a pain,
To have to change my routines,
I'd rather keep it the same.

It's stressful when it's running
Freely round my mind,
Convincing me that I am wrong,
Or stupid or unkind.

It hurts my very soul
When I feel my fears come true,
Even though I know deep down
That they very rarely do.

It causes so much anguish
To those who care for me,
To see the one they love
Be tortured so easily.

My brain is out to get me,
To ruin and abuse,
But the thing that I find hardest
Is peoples constant misuse.

'A little bit OCD'
Does not even come near
To the horrors of a sufferer,
The thoughts that we all fear.

It's not a fashion label
It's not quirky nor a joke,
It's not a comical retort
To idly be spoke.

It's not to be taken lightly
Or judged or stigmatised,
It's a serious mental illness,
It's about time it's recognised!

OCD Awareness Week

Just imagine being told everyday that you are worthless, stupid, incompetent.

Just imagine being screamed at every day

Just imagine being called ugly and fat.

Just imagine being tortured with images of harm you could do to others

Just imagine being told everyday that those you love are going to leave you

Just imagine being starved

Just imagine being imprisoned in your own house

Can you imagine it?

Now imagine the person doing this to you is you!!!

OCD is not a quirk, it's a serious and sometimes fatal illness. It's time this condition was taken seriously!

Please support #ocdawarenessweek and ocduk.org and help those who suffer or care for a sufferer by raising awareness and understanding. It's hard to live with ocd, it's hard to live with someone with ocd. It's easy to turn a blind eye or make a joke!!

I'm a long time sufferer of OCD. When I was originally diagnosed I didn't have a clue what it meant or where to turn. Then I discovered a little charity www.ocduk.org and they literally changed my life. The support and help I have revived has been amazing. 

I wish there was more I could do to support them, to show my appriciation of all their support, but for now this is my contribution. Trying to raise awareness. Trying to get others to see just how bad this illness can be. To try to get some understanding for those who suffer. 

I'm not out of the woods yet, but with help and support I'm at least on the path. Occasionally I still lose my way, sometimes I stumble far from the path, but on those days I know I'm surrounded by support and guidance, I know deep down I will make it back eventually. 

I wish I didn't feel like this, I wish I could think slowly and logically rather than the million voices spinning around my head, but for now I'll just settle for knowing there is help. But for some, that knowledge isn't there, for some, they are still stubbing aimlessly through the dark woods. And that is why OCD Awareness Week is so important!

Please, if nothing else, share this blog and shine a little ocd knowledge around the world

Thank you x

Starlight, star bright.

I've had a bit of alone time recently, and contrary to popular belief, I've actually quite enjoyed it, but it has given me time to think!!

I've used my time very unwisely, instead of doing the million things I needed to do, I did the one thing that any self respecting girl on her own would do- I curled up on the sofa with a drink, some ice cream and a couple of DVDs, ahhhh heaven. With toddler asleep and husband away, what else is a girl to do? I indulged in an old love, Sex and the City!! It's been a while.
Now you think you know where this is going, and maybe you're all not dirty minded so you might be right. While the film focuses mainly on sex and love, there is always the subtext 'Friendship', and it has got me thinking about my friendships and about what friendship really is.

A while ago I wrote a little bit about how my friends are like stars, my reason to look up when I'm feeling so down, and that hasn't changed. My true friends really are like stars, precious and beautiful and priceless. But like stars, friends come in catagories.

Firstly, there is the Class O star, the rarest and most luminescent of all the stars. The friendship equivalent is a best friend, that 1 in a million person who knows you so well they can read your soul. The person who can tell you the truth even if it hurts, the person who is always there no matter if they think you are wrong or right. This is the person who picks up the pieces when you are broken, carefully puts them back together again with gentleness and kindness and then tells you to get your arse in gear and get over yourself! This is the person who knows all your secrets, but who's lips will forever remain sealed without judgement (well maybe just an incy wincy bit of judgement!!) My best friend really is the brightest star, even when her faith in herself wanes, she still shines bright to guide me. And dare I step out of line, she will go supernova on me!!!! I love her beauty, her intelligence, her humour and her ability to make others feel better. My only wish is that we lived closer, who knew a southerner and a northerner could become such good friends???? Aye aye aye lol

The next class of star is A (I'm not doing this in order of star catagory, rather friend catagory). Class A is 'among the more common naked eye stars' (Wikipedia's words, not mine). Class  A friends are not 'common' in that sense, but they are the easiest to see, my close friends I surround myself with, the ones I can rely on, who I know will be there for me. These friends are special, if the were an M&S (careful to put those to letters the right way round otherwise gives whole different meaning to these friends!!!!) advert, it would say 'these aren't just any friends, these are specially hand picked friends. Vibrant and full of colour'. These are friends who make me laugh, who lend a hand, who tell me stories of their adventures or share their woes. Everyday I am grateful for their existence, as they make everyday that much easier to cope with. Just knowing they are there makes all the difference.

Class B stars are bright but burn quickly. These are friends that are in the past, not forgotten, but who time has separated from us. Friendships that, while great and beneficial at the time, were for some reason unsustainable. Their friendship may have past, but their impact is still visible. For everyone we ever come into contact with leaves a lasting impression, as do we on them!

Then there is the G class, the most famous of these being our sun. The friendship equivalent is that person who thinks the world revolves around them. We all know someone like that, or used to. Maybe they were someone you tolerated, or maybe a 'frenemy'. Sometimes these friends can be useful, you can learn from their mistakes. I often wonder if that friend is me??? I hope not, I hope I'm not that selfish. Yes I can be a bit 'in my own head', but I like to think I'm there for others too! I hope it's just the ocd encouraging those thoughts and not the fact I've turned into a class G pain in the arse!!

And then there are fake stars, you know, shooting stars. Turns out they're not stars after all, just hurtling bits of rock pretending to be stars. Isn't it funny that when we see one we make a wish? 'Oh a shooting star, make a wish', pinning your wish to a fake, to a piece of space debris that is burning up in the atmosphere into nothingness. The fake friend, smiling all the time they are stabbing you in the back. We shall call them Debris friends, because that's what they are, rubbish. It's a shame that we are disillusioned to it, too busy ohhing and ahhing at the prettiness of it till it is too late.

I wonder which star you all think you are?? I know who is who, I know which ones of you shine and bring light into my life. You are my friends, part of my soul, no matter how much influence you think you have on my life, no matter whether you think you're a good friend or not, if I've chosen you to be, and remain, friends, then there must be something rather special about you. Each of you bring something different into my life, each of you are unique. I feel very lucky to have the friends I have. It makes all the difference in the world!!

Even when you can't see them, stars are always there, surrounding us. So twinkle on my beautiful friends.

Are you hearing me correctly?

Well well well, a mid week post. Just shaking it up a little.

Thought I'd take us on a tour of lies and misunderstandings (or misinterpretations), so here we go.........


There are many different types of lie, such as the mean lie: 'I've never like you anyway' or the little white lie 'I didn't eat all the chocolate', or the kind lie 'no, your bum doesn't look big in that' and so on and so on. Everyday we say and hear lies, it's part of human nature. With out lies the world would be a miserable place, I mean imagine if you were told your bum really did look big in that!!! But what if we are not telling the lie, but hearing it instead? What do we really hear? What do we really take from others words? How do we translate the words that tumble from their mouth to our ear?

Some times you hear what you want to because you need to, it makes you feel better, even if logically you know it doesn't make sense.

Some times we let people spin us a line and allow ourselves to believe it because it makes us feel wanted, even special. As if their words can magically make everthing ok, fill that void, the ache, maybe even brighten the darkness!

Some times we read to much in to things, a comment idly made, a song lyric, a touch, a look, a note, a text. Some times it's a positive thing, sometimes you only read negativity. But in either case you can be wrong.

These are the times when you are at a loss, when you feel strangely at sea and you will take what you can get, or beat yourself up for not being good enough. We allow others to influence our lives, change our moods, skew our judgement with the most ambiguous information. turning and twisting it to our own intention. Some times the giver doesn't even realise they've done it, that they have given you this gift/curse, their intentions being quite innocent. Other times they know too well what they have done and watch with eager eyes to see events unfold, for you to react in a bid to make themselves feel better or worse.

Each of us are capable of bringing so much delight or pain into our own lives simply my misinterpreting another, mishearing or just allowing in another's words or thoughts or emotions.

But what happens when someone is honest, when they say/do something that brings such delight as to flip your stomach, or such pain as to have you doubled over? To raise your soul or crush it? What happens when you take that information and accuse them of spinning you a line, of misrepresenting it? When you accuse them of only saying what they think you want to hear? Are we so cynical that we can no longer take anyone at face value?

Some times it's easier to believe its all a lie, to believe they span you line, that you read to much into it, than to admit to the reality of the feelings or emotions it stirred. Easier then having to face up to what you can never have or give.

Some times it's better to pretend that the reality of it all is not real, because, lets face it, everyone lies.......


Don't they?????????????????