So tense you can call me a campsite

OK, so I'm going to start with a joke!!
I know I know, you've probably heard it, but I think we can all do with a giggle, so here goes


You can never run through a campsite, you can only ran, because it's past tents

boom boom

Well it made me laugh anyway :)

So what's been happening around the campsite this last month? Well, thank you for asking. We've been having a bit of a festival with some entertainment tents, log fires and marshmallows. The festival was called Brainstock, with all the entertainment based in 3 different sets of tents:

Past tents

Present tents

Future tents

(can you see where this is going???)

You see, nothing here on the ocd campsite is ever straight forward, but sometimes we like to have a bit of fun, well the ocd does at any rate.

The festival was great, lots to do, in fact too much to do, so I didn't get to see everything. That's always the way though, isn't it? You never see it all, you never get the whole picture, it's all down to interpretation and experience. And even if you could see it all, would it make sense anyway? Needless to say, due to time restraints and other commitments I was forced to choose which tents to partake in and which I would have to miss out on.

It occurs to me, it's like a music festival and you have to choose which stage you want to watch, so you stick with what you know, or try something new and hope you enjoy it? Maybe start easy, this is my first Brainstock after all, maybe I'll stick to what I know and start off in the past tents and then if I have time move on to the future tents. Hhhhmmmmm but then I miss the present, should I be missing out on that? It's something I miss out on a lot, so maybe I should try something different, maybe try present and then back to the comfort of the past. But then I'd miss the future because I'd be spending to much time in the past tents.
OK so future followed by present? Ah but then the future tents can be very unreliable, and the line up isn't always what you are expecting, so then I would have wasted time there and missed a lot of the present and completely missed the past.

Choices choices. Which tents should I be picking? If only I could separate out my brain, my heart and my soul, as they would each be content going into their own sections.
My heart would love the future
My Brain would think the present is fantastic
And my soul would simply take flight in the past.

Or would they?

The more I think about it, the more I wonder which part of me is eager for which ticket, maybe my heart aches for the past and my brain would storm with delight in the future and my soul would quite simply like to meditate in the present. Oh no, maybe they all want all the tickets too and that's why I can't make a decision. It's easier to make a choice if you know what one part of you wants.

People always say "go with your gut" (I think that's your soul talking) or "follow your heart" or "listen to your brain", but what if all three are saying "I just don't know where I want to be" each of them telling the other to make a decision (I am, in general, very bad at making decisions, so it should be no surprise that my organs find it hard too!!!)

So, how to make a decision? Pros and Cons, that's what I'll do. I'll make a list of pros and con's for each tent and then pick one to stay in and enjoy. Right then, here goes:


                                       Pros                                                         cons

Past tents             I know it and it's comfy                            It can get quite
                                                                                             unhealthy and dark

Present tents         It's alive and happening                           Can be a little scary
                                                                                                and unexpected

Future tents          Can be planned and organised                 Doesn't always stick
                                                                                              to script, ad libs a lot



Well, hmmm, there we have it, a list. So on each one I'm liking the pros but totally hating the cons. It's not helped as much as I thought it would, but I can see now how each tent works, which is not something I've really thought about before.

I've organised a festival in my campground and now I'm unsure which of the area's I want to be in. Is this progress? Before all of this, while the beasts and bears were trashing the place I could have told you where I wanted to be in a heart beat, I would have run straight to the past tents and hidden out in a dark corner, seeking some kind of comfort in it, looking for clues as to what to do next, finding excuses to stay here, dwelling in the past, haunting my own background. Darkness and self pity the main attraction on stage with a warm up act of self hatred and denial.

As much as I'm still drawn to that tent, to the comfort of knowing what to expect, I'm not sure I belong there any more, or that I ever did. Maybe it's like being a Fleetwood Mac fan at an Iron Maiden concert, you might like the music, but you know you don't really belong there, and after a while even the music doesn't keep you there, so why stay?

Is that it, is this me leaving the concert? Am I moving away from the past tents? Is that why I'm finding it so hard to find out where to go? Have I just turned in to the festival version of a hobo?

I feel sad, as I'm writing this, it's dawning on me that I'm letting go, and I feel sad. I'm not entirely there yet, and I can't promise I won't sneak a peek once in a while, or that I won't sing along to one of the pasts catchy tunes, but I think its time. It's time to be a little scared and a little excited. I don't know if I belong in the present tents or the future tents, maybe I can decide that at the next brainstock, but I now know where I don't belong, and I think maybe I never did belong there.

I feel sad, I feel like I'm losing a part of me, that I'm grieving for an old friend, but that too will pass. Yes, there is past tents, and yes I have my memories, but I'm starting to feel like I don't have to visit that section of the festival any more, and in a way, that in it's self is a decision, and I'm mightily glad of that.

The bear truth of where I have been

Helllooooooooo, anybody there????? 

*pokes head out from hiding place*

Phew, they’ve gone, well at least for now.

Sorry folks, camp closed down for a while due to an infestation of brain beasts. We had the common variety anxiety bears, they like to come into the camp and worry at it. Then there were the grizzly ocd bears who got in to everything and made a right old mess of the camp ground. And while all this was going on, those sneaky little depression critters snuck in to the tents and made nests. All in all it left the site in a state of absolute chaos and on the brink of destruction!!

The good news is that park rangers have been deployed, most of the bears have been or are in the process of being rehomed in new locations away from the site and those pesky critters have been chased out by vermin control. Humane traps are being laid and the campsite is being rebuilt, hopefully this time with better defences!! I’m currently in the process of learning how the early detection warning siren works J

So how did this happen, how did these pests get in? Well that’s easy, they used stealth. A cunning strategic mix of acceptance and sneak! Like everything in life, if you allow it to become the norm then it becomes the norm.

Let me explain.

So there we are, sitting around the campfire, enjoying some slow roasted marshmallows, comfortable and drowsy, listening to the sounds that surround us every day, when all of a sudden we hear an unusual sort of sound, a low snuffling sort of sound. The sound comes closer and closer and we all sit still waiting to see what’s coming.............

Then it stops

Ok, all back to our marshmallows, panic over. We laugh a little, half out of nervousness, something we don’t know and don’t entirely trust had tried to enter our peaceful camp, but it’s ok now, it’s gone. And we carry on as normal.

The next night we hear it again, and again we stop roasting our marshmallows and we listen, waiting half in curiosity, half in anxiety. What is it? What is waiting for us just out of view? And just like that it disappears again.

After a few nights of the same snuffling we stop paying attention, oh there it is again, never mind, let’s just carry on roasting and telling stories.

We are now comfortable with that sound, with the unknown, skulking around the perimeter of our campsite, never showing itself but making itself known. We stop paying attention to it, stop noticing it altogether; it becomes just another background noise until.........................

Wasn’t it just one snuffling before? When did it become lots of snuffling and branch breaking? When did the sounds start coming from all around us? But we’re alright though, I mean, it’s not like they are causing us any harm, right?

All the time we believe that whatever it is will stay on the boundary, just out of sight. More dangerously we believe that it is only one type of creature. It hasn’t occurred to us that there might be more than one type of bear stalking these woods!!

So happily we camp, we carry on our everyday business, all the time aware that something isn’t right, but all the time ignoring it in the hope it goes away. But it doesn’t go away; in fact it does something unexpected........

A BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a bear in camp, quick, run, hide, panic, oh no, I can’t remember what to do if a bear comes in to camp!! I know I’ve been told, and even shown, but in the heat of the moment I can’t remember what to do. But wait a minute; the bear looks a bit confused too. It’s just standing there, watching us fleeing, probably wondering what we are doing.

Then the bear just turns and walks away.

We thank our lucky stars. That was close; we gather around the fire and compare notes. But in the confusion we all seem to have different stories. Was the bear angry or sad, scary or not. It’s all so jumbled even I’m not sure of my own feelings about the bear.

The next day the bear comes again. This time we wearily move out of its way, but there is less panic, more curiosity. I mean, it’s not even like the bear seems to mind us.

The bear comes every day and eventually even starts to feel like part of the camp. We’ve even started to feed the bear, encourage its attendance, even, dare I say it, started to like the bear. I wonder if you can train a bear??? I mean if it was a pet bear it wouldn’t be so dangerous, would it? Once you get control of it it can work for you, couldn’t it?

We start to find the bear a comfort

We forget the bear is dangerous

Until one day..........................................................................................

So yes, camp was brought to its knees, was brought to the brink of destruction, but the worst part is, I can’t blame the bears.

After all, I invited them in

New Year, same old me :)

As the clocks tick over to midnight and we prepare to celebrate the coming of a new year we also prepare to tell ourselves the biggest lie of the year....

New year, new me!

I'm gonna lose weight
I'm gonna give up smoking/chocolate/wine/crisps
I'm gonna get fit
I'm gonna learn to ski/swim/hand glide

On the 1st it's all 'new me new me'
By the 15th it's all 'bugger it, I gave it a go'
It's a rare sight to see a New Years resolution survive past January, an even rarer one past march!

So what's the answer?

New year, ME

Just me

Me with all my faults and clumsiness.
Me with all my likes and dislikes

Whether you like me or hate me
Want me in your life or out
Talk every day or once a year
Moving away or yet to move near
Shared a laugh or a tear with me

This year I'm me.
I might lose weight, I might gain it
I might get fit or I might eat a packet of biscuits

But why can't I just be me? Why do I have to be a new me?
If I stop being old me am I still me?

How can you expect those that love you to still love you if you stop being you?

Or is everyone changing in the new year for someone else's benefit?

I hope not!!

A new you for someone else is just an unhappy old you and a dissatisfied new them! There's a saying "you can't please all of the people all of the time" and it's true, try it. The only guaranteed outcome is a very exhausted unhappy you! Is that the new you you were looking for?

Thought not!!

Try being you, that will make you happy and the welcome side affect that comes with it is that if you are happy, those who matter, those who care will be happy too, because your happiness will become infectious!!
No more people pleasing
No more new you

I won't be wishing to be a new me, I don't think I deserve that kind of punishment or disappointment. I all honesty, life is stressful enough without adding unachievable targets too.

If you love me, care about me or are even slightly aware of my existence, then I'm sure you'll be happy that I'm sticking to being me.

So happy new year, see all of you next year, and hopefully still recognise you all!!!!!

Good journey through 2015

OCD Awareness Week day 5

Rush rush rush rush

I feel like the bloomin' white rabbit

"My whiskers and paws, I'm late"

I wonder if he really was late or whether he was just like me, so anxious to never be late, he always felt he was running late?

"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date, I know I am I'm sure I am, I'm late I'm late I'm late"

But does it really matter being late? What are the real consequences?

Well surely that all depends on the circumstances. If your late meeting a friend the consequences are far different than being late to court, or a funeral. It's all perspective

And that's what's missing with OCD, perspective!!!!!

Sure we've got 20:20 vision in hindsight, but perspective? Nope, not a jot! Not one tiny little mini iddy bit. Nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch!

You see, here is the difference between you and me.

You get ready at a reasonable time, maybe push it right to the wire.

I get ready about a 3 hours too early and spend the rest of the time fretting.

You turn up early/on time/late oops, oh well make your apologies, move on, enjoy your evening

I turn up incredibly early and lie telling people "oh no, I've not been waiting long, no really I just got here myself" when really I got there at least 30 mins before and spent that time worrying I had got the wrong time/date/place!!!!!

It's tiring, it's exhausting. There are times I've cancelled going out because the thought of being late was overwhelming, did I mention I cancelled 5 hours before the time!!!!
It's stressful, and it's absurd, but what did I say? No perspective!

I have unreasonable expectations of myself and of how I should shape the world around me! I have delusional ideas of perfection, I don't have perspective.

So here's the thing, when/if you find yourself dealing with someone in the throws of an OCD episode, don't use the term "can't you see what your doing" because, no we can't, we are blind! We have no perspective!!

In that time our actions are a result of an (almost always) unrealistic threat. We cannot see past that.

So no, we cannot see
No, we cannot "just get over it"
No, we cannot move on

We need help, we need understand, we need perspective!!!!

OCD Awareness Week day 4

How can you hide?

It's easy, behind a tree, under a bed, in a cupboard. Hide and seek is a great game to play, the fun and anticipation of being found or doing the finding, as children it was one of the best games.

As adults we still play it. We still hide, we still seek.

With OCD the game takes a dark twist. What we hide becomes dangerous, what we seek becomes impossible.

OCD is a hidden illness, something to be concealed, covered up. Because believe it or not, we are aware of what we are doing. It makes sense to us, but we know it won't make sense to you. So we hide it, keep silent, don't share, become secretive and BOOM the ocd has got us!!!

If we can't talk about it it means we internalise it, handing the power to the OCD. Keeping quiet allows it to develop, twist and control, to convince us to carry on spiralling out of control. It convinces us that no one understands, I mean, listen to the way they joke about it!

" No one will take you seriously, they think you are just being silly, so shush, don't speak up, stay here with me, I'll keep you safe"

And so we suffer, in silence, in darkened turmoil. Never speaking out, never asking for help. What's the point, you'll just laugh at me or tell me to get over it!!

That's what making light of an illness does, keeps it secret, keeps it stigmatised, keeps it abusing!! If we can't talk about it we can't ask for help.

I mustn't feel tired, or disappointed,  or sad.
 Instead I must be cheerful and happy and glad.
I mustn't wallow or scream or cry.
Instead I must smile and wipe my eyes dry.
I mustn't show rage or anger or dread.
Instead I must keep it all in my head.
I mustn't let others see my despair.
Instead I must show my kindness and care.
I mustn't show hurt or pain or fear.
instead I must pretend I'm not here.

#ocdawarenessweek
#thatsocd

OCD awareness week day 3 still

So ocd, is it laughing matter?

No, yes, maybe..........oh hang on, I'm confused.

My OCD is a flipping nightmare to put it mildly. At one point it almost killed me. That's definitely no laughing matter.
My brain had me so convinced that the whole entire world was better off with out me, that the only thing I was good at was causing harm that I decided to end it all. Not my finest hour I'll admit, but one of my darkest. No laughter, no funniness. Just bleakness, darkness and a whole lot of self loathing.

Obviously things turned around and I'm no longer in that place any more. The world no longer seems scary and dark, although I still have days where the storms gather. I know that there is light and that I can survive, I try to live my life regardless of that obnoxious haunting voice in my head. And yes there are even days where I can laugh at my ocd, see the stupidity in it a even have a chuckle, sometimes my poor exasperated hubby laughs at my ocd, it becomes like a private joke between us, a secret laughter. It's sounds strange I know, but there are actually days when my ocd seems so ridiculous that I have to laugh, have to roll my eyes and say "can you believe I actually said/did/thought that" and have a giggle. It's always retrospective!!
So yes, I can laugh, we can laugh, it's funny to laugh with someone.

It is not ok to laugh at someone, therefore it is not ok to laugh at someone's illness, to make light of a serious illness.

How many comedians start a joke with

"did you hear about the man with lung cancer that had half his lung removed"? Nothing funny there.

"Did you hear about the girl with sever learning difficulties"? Nope still not a funny opener

So why is it ok to joke about ocd. Apparently it's the funniest illness going!!! Apparently everyone is 'a little bit ocd' so it's ok to make a joke, find it funny, belittle it.

Well actually, no, not everyone is 'a little bit ocd' maybe they just like things tidy or organised. Maybe they just like things neat. That's ok, there's nothing wrong with being neat, neat is good, means you don't keep stepping on odd bits of duplo (I have a 3 year old!) neat is nice. Neat isn't very funny, it's just neat, maybe even (dare I say it) anal!! But it doesn't make you OCD!!!!

There is nothing funny about an illness that can be fatal, that ruin lives, tortures whole families. We don't need laughter, we need understanding.

So can you laugh at my ocd, well yes if it affects you directly and makes me look silly and gives us a laugh, then sure it's fine.

Can you laugh at ocd in general and make jokes about it?

Well what do you think?

Call for change, get educated and destroy the stigma.

It's ocd awareness week, help fight for change!!!

#thatsOCD
#ocdawarenessweek
#ocdawareness

OCD Awareness Week day 3

I'm totally exhausted
I give in you win I lose
Just give me peace just let me be
For once just let me choose

Stop giving me confusion
Abuse and use, I lose
Just let me out, give me a chance
For once just let me choose

Stop yelling I can't hear you
You scream, I scream I lose
Just quiet down in fact shut up
For once just let me choose

Don't fight me any more
You pull I fall I lose
This war is getting to be to much
For once just let me choose

Just once just let me choose
I push you shush you lose
One battle down, I know your weak
Now's the time to choose